Written by: Dr. Adriana Popescu, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
5 tips for Dealing with Family Challenges During the Holidays and Beyond
From our earliest days, we are told that they are the most important people on the planet. As we interact with them, they shape our worldview, influence our sense of ourselves, and create in a myriad of ways the limitations, judgments, and points of view of what is or is not possible for us in life.
We may go to great lengths to avoid their disapproval, unhappiness, or displeasure. Some of us, often quite unconsciously, evaluate everything we choose in order to determine whether or not it will be okay with them.
Often we will direct our lives in such a way to stay a part of the fold, choosing the things that make them happy especially with regard to relationships, careers, or lifestyle without any question or concern for what we truly desire. We often value them so much that we will give ourselves up completely, and do whatever is required, no matter how destructive, to hold onto them and make sure they are always near and never far.
Who are these people who wield such power and influence over us?
What tools are available to give us freedom and ease?
What is possible beyond the struggle with them?
As a licensed clinical psychologist and empowerment coach who is an expert in the field of addiction and trauma, I see the deep impact of family on people every day. This can show up in so many ways.
I find that many people “buy” the judgments and viewpoints of their families and start to create their lives from these perspectives. They can also find themselves suffering from the same challenges, stresses, and limitations as their family, often in a misdirected effort to stay connected to them.
Some individuals may have a tremendous amount of intelligence and creative potential, and yet have found success to be elusive and beyond reach. Others choose relationships or careers that are unfulfilling, with little sense of what they would actually like to achieve or do with life, only to please their family. I see many others seek comfort or refuge in unhealthy habits or behaviors that were often learned from their family.
There are, of course, the very fortunate ones who grew up with people who were kind, caring, nurturing, supportive of dreams and ambitions, and who didn’t constantly judge them. Sadly, I have discovered is that scenario is quite rare. If you are one of those few with a truly happy family, be grateful and consider yourself extremely fortunate!
At certain times, this family impact can be especially acute, and that is what I am seeing most right now in my practice. During the holidays we are ofte seduced by images on television and movies of idyllic family scenarios where there is happiness, joy, peace and love…a sense of caring and kindness and that the world is a happy and hopeful place. I sense that this is why we love these movies so much, because they present to us a vision of the world and the people in it we would actually like to see.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t live with this “romantic ideal” of the family as our day-to-day reality. Many of us struggle or even feud with family. We can fmaybeeel constricted by what is “right” or “ok” in our families, or totally imprisoned by their judgments. This can all be the cause of tremendous stress, anxiety, and frustration, and may be a major contributor to depression, hopelessness, and just general dissatisfaction with life.
What I would like to share here with you is an opportunity for greater freedom; the very tools that I use in my practice every day to help clients have more ease with their families and to create a sense of peace within themselves, regardless of what their family members say or do.
It is through developing this strength within that we can discover what is true for us, go beyond the influence of our families, and create fulfilling lives of our own making. These tools have been used by thousands of people for support during stressful times like holidays, weddings, gatherings, or other dealings with family (or anyone you find challenging!) throughout life.
Tool No.1 Taking Time for You
We are so conditioned to “put family first” that it may seem strange to actually take time for ourselves. I have found that doing something you love, just for you, for a whole hour or more a day (if you can swing it) can bring you back to a sense of yourself. This can be going for some exercise or a walk, meditation, getting a massage, reading, watching your favorite shows, or taking a bath.
The key is that this is something that you are doing just for yourself, that brings you and your body joy. Make sure you are uninterrupted and undisturbed during this time. An extra nurturing step would be to make sure that this time is away from your phone or computer so that you can get extra quiet, centered, and in touch with yourself. What brings you and your body joy?
Tool No.2- Get Grounded
When we are resisting and reacting to our family, getting grounded can provide immediate relief and a sense of presence. How do we do this? Take a moment right now to take a deep long breath. Make the exhalation at least as long, if not longer, than the inhalation. As you breathe in and out, feel the air filling your lungs and then exiting your body.
As you do this, bring even more awareness to your body by feeling yourself pressed against the seat of your chair (or whatever you are sitting or lying on now) and then touch your hands to your body, perhaps on your stomach or heart. As you make these points of contact, notice your body relaxing and allow even more relaxation.
From here, see if you have a different sense of yourself and your family. When you find yourself triggered by family (or really anyone or anything) you can simply take a few minutes to repeat this exercise.
Tool No.3 - Expanding Out
Often in situations when we feel agitated or provoked by family members or other people, we are actually in a very contracted energetic space. We are taught to defend against judgments or provocation by stiffening up and contracting; making ourselves as small as possible in the hope that whatever the agitation or problem is will just “go away.” What if just the opposite is true?
A tool from Access Consciousness® that I love to use to change this and have more peace is to actually “expand out” our energy field so we are bigger than what we are dealing with.
To begin, get a sense of yourself, perhaps by using tool No.2 or by just taking a long, relaxing deep breath. Further, allow your body and your energy to unwind. Get the sense of your energy filling the room that you are currently in. Then expand out and get the sense of your energy expanding out to encompass the house or building that you are in. Now go even bigger, get the sense of you expanding to and through the whole town. Now even beyond that to the whole country, and then the entire planet. Get the sense of expanding in all directions way out into the infinite reaches of the universe.
How does that feel? What happens to any stress you have related to your family? Does the upset feel any less intense from this space? This exercise isn’t something that is meant to be linear or done from your mind. You can simply ask for this expansion and receive it. It also gets easier the more you practice “expanding out.” My advice is to play with this, have fun with it and see what it creates for you.
Tool No.4 – Who Does this Belong to?®
When you are embroiled in family drama, ask: Who does this belong to?
This favorite tool of mine also comes from Access Consciousness. It is based on the idea that most of your upsets, thoughts, feelings, and emotions don’t actually belong to you; they are your awareness of what is going on with others.
Let’s say you are in the midst of an upset with a family member. There is the sense that no matter what you say or do this problem isn’t changing and the anger and unhappiness just build and build. No matter how much you try for resolution, the whole argument just seems to go around in circles.
When you ask the simple question of Who does this belong to? you can actually break the cycle of upset. If the emotions dissipate and just go away when you ask this question, it means that none of this was “yours” in the first place. Or, you can just imagine sending the energy of the upset back to whomever it came from.
What I find is that so many people are far more aware (and especially attuned to family members!) than they could ever imagine. If someone is in a bad mood, angry or upset, it can actually be contagious.
Many of us are extremely sensitive to other people and their moods. We see this especially during the holidays. Have you ever walked into a shopping mall during holiday time and started to feel frantic, worried about money, or rushed? How many people at the mall actually feel that way? What if none of this is yours?
Asking Who does this belong to? provides immediate relief from taking on other people’s emotions and making them our own.
Tool No.5 Don’t Take It Personally
Another path to freedom with family is to not take things personally.
When family members judge us, get upset or angry with us, or arunkind it most often has absolutely nothing to do with us, and has everything to do with them and where they are at.
We are often a “convenient target” of their moods, points of view, or emotions. What if we could actually laugh at their eccentricities or picture them as sitcom characters when they are embroiled in their dramas?
Humor is one of the most freeing tools available to us at all times. When we can get to a place where we can see, make light of, and even laugh at the ridiculousness of someone’s behaviors, we are truly free.
For example, what if the next time a family member gets angry or upset, simply imagine them as a toddler throwing a tantrum. Make it as silly and outrageous in your own mind as possible. Seeing their actions in this way can go a long way toward dissipating your own stress and also allows you to have a little fun with all of this. What about you and your family could you be laughing at?
I hope that these tips and tools are useful to you, provide you with some peace and relief, and that you can start applying them when dealing with family or with anyone or anything you may find difficult or challenging.
The most important thing to remember with all of this is to take care of yourself, find what is true for you, what works for you, and what brings you a sense of peace and joy. When we are putting our energy and attention there, we c11 aman have more ease with everything else going on around us.
Would you like to continue this discussion? I’m offering a free zoom called Family: Friend or Foe? on Wed. Dec. 15th at 11am PST. The call will be recorded and you can sign up to receive it even after the call takes place. More info here.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit my website for more info!
Dr. Adriana Popescu, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Adriana Popescu is a licensed clinical psychologist and empowerment coach with over 25 years of experience in the mental health field. She specializes in treating addiction, co-occurring disorders, and trauma, and has directed a number of treatment programs in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Adriana has a private practice in San Francisco and travels around the world coaching and facilitating transformational and empowering workshops. She coauthored the Conscious Being, Conscious Recovery, and Conscious Creation Workbooks, and she hosts a fascinating podcast called Kaleidoscope of Possibilities – Alternative Perspectives on Mental Health.
She loves to empower people to overcome their imagined limitations, release their self-judgments, and discover the brilliance within – creating a life of infinite possibilities.
