Written by Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other.
If you want to scream four-letter words at a co-worker, try this inner-work approach to de-escalate conflict and bring about inner peace and connection.
To be clear, this approach is not about fixing the other person. This approach is about holding the mirror up and doing your own inner work. (Besides… if you really want your teams to change, you must set an example and change yourself first…) Doing this before engaging in interpersonal conflict is a game-changer, though it requires a courageous level of introspection.
The FAHK method
(Feel, Ask, Heal, Keep!)
Feel inside
In a space where you can be alone (e.g., bedroom, meditation corner, or, for my fellow parents out there…the bathroom), close your eyes and take three deep breaths. Breathe down in the root of your spine, filling up your lower belly, lower back, upper back, and chest. Take three full belly breaths here.
Call to mind the person you feel the conflict with.
Then, feel inside.
Notice where in your body you feel the tension. Breathe three more deep breaths into this area of the body.
Ask inside
Ask inside to see which part of you is most activated right now. Imagine sitting down for coffee (...or a beer) and asking the part of you that feels in conflict (i.e., a frustrated part, annoyed part, etc) to join you at the table. Sometimes, it is easy to visualize this part of you sitting across the table in front of you. Other times, you can simply sense the part but not see it. That’s okay. For the purpose of this exercise, we will call this part your Protector Part.
Begin to have a conversation with this Protector, which is part of your system. (Don’t worry; no one will see you talk to yourself while you pretend to go to the bathroom. Besides, everyone else is caught up in their own stuff anyways, so relax and let’s focus on letting your own Sh*t go, okay?)
Ask this protector part of you what its job is. Does it get you to fight? Run away? Play “Mr. Nice Guy” and appease? Or does it distract you with social media to try and calm you down? What does this part do in your system?
Ask this part of you what it feels would happen if it stopped doing its job. Does it fear you will get fired? Hurt someone (or yourself)? Get shunned?
Send a breath or two to this part and acknowledge the job that it is doing.
(Now, this may feel really strange, but trust me and go with it.) Introduce yourselff in your current age to this part. Tell it about all the mindful skills you’ve developed over the years to help you through challenging times (e.g., meditation, breathwork, journaling, cold plunges, therapy, tuning forks, screaming “rage, rage into the dying of the light!”, etc.). Tell this part about everyone in your life who will support you if you fall down.
Ask this part of you if it would give you just a smidgen of space here—a teeny tiny smidgen.
Breathe your heart a bit bigger and send a breath or two (...or twenty) to this part.
Heal inside
Call the person you feel conflict with to attention and see them join you at the table. Now, it is you, the Protector Part, and the person you feel conflict with.
Take a few breaths here as you look around the table and see the Protector Part of your system and the person you feel in conflict with.
Tell the Protector Park that you understand its job in your system and that you’d like to begin to act differently in your life.
Tell the Protector Part how deeply you appreciate how it has helped protect you in your life (This is key!). And then tell it that you need it to play a new role in your life. The old way is no longer serving you and it is time to change. This will take time, yet invite the Protector Part to collaborate with you on other ways to navigate conflict better. For instance, I’ve seen conflict-avoidant managers take one deep breath before speaking and say no when receiving a request from a peer (i.e., the new behavior) instead of saying yes to every request to avoid any conflict (i.e., old behavior).
Keep awareness
After opening up your eyes, take a moment to journal what showed up for you during this brief insight meditation. What did you feel in your body? What part of your internal system showed up? What is the Protector Part’s job in your internal system? What is its concern if it stops doing its job? How has this strategy been helpful for you in the past?
And here’s the turning point. It’s called “The Invitation”. When you engage in conflict, you do this in your inner world (yes, in real time). When you engage with whomever you feel in conflict with, notice whenever the Protector Part shows up in your system. Feel where any tension lives in the body and send deep belly breaths there. Acknowledge the Protector Part and invite it to join you at the table but not take over. Let it be witness to you as you engage in the world.
This witnessing, also called “unblending,” is the game-changer. Over time, the Protector Part will begin to trust you more, and what was once a great hindrance will soon become a growth activator for your personal and professional development.
But to get here requires you to take the time to go inside, to hold up the mirror, and to get intimate with all the parts of your inner world.
Every part has value. And instead of trying to stuff down or shoo away parts we may not like, what actually works is inviting them to the table.
Congratulations on completing this exercise. You have officially begun the journey to let your Sh*t go whenever conflict arises. Now, imagine if everyone were to do this. What a beautiful world that would be.
Where does this approach come from? Internal Family Systems was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This powerful therapeutic model has been shown to be a game-changer when adapted for coaching. The goal is to become aware of the protective parts within ourselves that feel frustrated and do our own inner work with them. This is called Unblending. Unblending leads to a sense of peace within and allows us to show up in our relationships at work (yes, and at home, too) with a deeper sense of compassion and calm presence. Proactivity over-reactivity. This de-escalates conflict and leads to efficient conflict resolution. But most importantly, it leads to you feeling calm inside no matter what storms brew outside.
Follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website!
Read more from Mark W. Guay
Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other. As an adoptee and survivor of childhood domestic violence, he leads with this approach: To really change our lives, we must heal the past and embrace the unknown. To do this, we need self-accountability, the courage to take decisive action, a community of support, and trust that doors will appear, leading us on our path.
