Gary is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment all of which are undertaken by various secure online modes including webcam such as zoom and Bilateralbase, with clients from all parts of the country and abroad. Gary has been working Online for some 11 years and holds a certificate in Online Therapy. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC) and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors and is a member of stopSO. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). AI-EMDR, G-TEP, R-TEP and The Advanced Flash Technique, for Trauma/Complex Trauma and unprocessed issues from the past or current.
Gary has created what may be the world’s first comprehensive Online webinar Sex/porn/love addiction Video-on-Demand Recovery Programme, being used by many clients throughout the world.
In the next few months of 2023 he will launch a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners) bringing together his experience with hundreds of Singles and couples over 19 years and a few books written on the subjects.
Gary McFarlane, Therapist
Who am I?
My name is Gary McFarlane and I am the founder of The Kairos Centre. I was previously a lawyer for over 20 years. I have always said that lawyers are designed as a type. Emotions can be hard to detect. When we are excited our big toe starts to wiggle! That is as good as it gets! I may not express excitement quite like your usual social media gurus selling a course to you, but know that my big toes (both of them) are wiggling right now!
What do I do?
I am a Therapist (a counsellor – if you prefer), who did a career change some 15 years ago. I now work exclusively Online and have been working Online with the majority of my clients based all over the world, for over 15 years – having trained specifically in the various mediums for working online – long before Covid-19 forced online working.
Just one of my practice areas is helping people reclaim their lives and be the best they can be by taking back control over compulsive & addictive sex, porn & love addiction behaviours, without it bringing increased shame and eventually bring colour back to life.
The Kairos Centre’ mission is to come alongside and facilitate individuals to be the best version of themselves as they live life to the full. At the heart of what I do in Therapy are all things “relationship and relational”.
For some, that may mean overcoming a compulsion which may have become an Addiction. (There is a difference between a Compulsion and an Addiction); on the way to reclaiming their life, that may mean the need to achieve sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction patterns of behaviour – using The Kairos Centre Online Changement Recovery Programme. For others, it may be support for a partner learning about their partner’s sex, porn, love addiction; it may be that sex is not as it should be and repetitive patterns of failure needs psychoeducation and tools to create new neural pathways.
Those areas therefore, which I have made my specialisms are: Relationship Counselling with singles, couples, Marrieds, long, long, long time marrieds, Partners; Mediation, Conflict Management & Resolution; Psychosexual Therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing); Sex, Porn, Love compulsivity & Addiction and support of the partners impacted.
I train other Therapists to be able to add Sex, Porn, Love Addiction to their Therapy practice. I lead webinars, seminars and workshops. I am a Supervisor of Therapists, Ministers, Youth Workers, Pastoral workers and Mentors.
How did I get here, doing what I am doing as a Therapist?
I am still asking myself that very question, since I do not represent the “expected” type of Therapist that would enter the room!
More about me
You are great in business. Yet, you know there are some unresolved and unprocessed impediments to you living life in colour – without shame – to be the best that you can be - in relationship, with self, close others and just others!
There is a problem. You know it! You tried self-help tools and read a lot. You know that you don’t really know the real authentic you. You could grow to like you, but something is in the way.
Like the “Russian doll”, you look in the mirror (or avoid the mirror for too long except the essentials!) – you know that inner child is tightly protected in the middle of those protective layers. “Stand up the real you”, is a reframe you dare not repeat. You are coming to terms with the fact that it needs a whole lot more help, but you are waiting for…
I have been through that type of struggle with different issues in my life. Here is my story. Different to yours or is it!
My story has a happy ending. It is not about sex, porn or love addiction. The issue almost does not matter. It is all about how the brain interprets the issue – often as trauma on the young developing brain. The brain that does not like pain or discomfort; constantly going into “fight/flight/freeze” protective mode, to defend against pain – offers solutions and coping strategies.
I am now in control of my life. It was not always so. "How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win." — G.K. Chesterton
Left in Jamaica at aged 18 months, I did not see my parents again until nearly aged 6. How do you miss who you don't know you miss? Yet the way I was doing life, showed that my brain knew something (must be in the unconscious) which inhibited me from re-bonding in case… In case what brain? They left again. Really?
So, I was doing relationships with others to protect myself. Really? Is that what I was doing? But I have so much love inside of me to give to someone. I needed help with this stuff called “Insecure Attachment”. How dare some person called John Bowlby sum me up and tell me about myself; but surely only Freud himself can unravel this complex individual?
This was one big “Resistance” which I used to justify avoiding counselling/therapy with some busybody “mind your own busyness” third person! Like Russian dolls, I knew there was another me inside and I wanted to find and discover him. It became unstoppable; but I went into Therapy kicking and screaming. Anyway, black men don’t do Therapy – do they!
“Kairos” is the Greek word for “your appointed time”. I reached that point in my 40’s when it was an inevitable and unstoppable journey. I knew I had to do the journey to find the real me. “But black men don’t do therapy – do they”. I was still resisting.
Haemorrhaging from the stuff of life not working right and so kicking and screaming, I enter the world of counselling. I found insight and understanding about self, which now enabled me to unravel the sequence of events and behaviours which set my life on the trajectory which it took.
Finding Gary was like finding Nemo. A lot of potholes, bumps, losses, casualties and fewer cushions – in truth. But a journey I would do again to achieve the outcomes I now enjoy. You have to decide on the price you are willing to pay and when.
Maybe this is your Kairos moment because you are reading this story, at this time, on this date and you haven’t ditched this long article and moved on!
Outcomes from a painful journey (but necessary journey)
What I can now see and better understand and have moved stuff from the unconscious to the conscious, I now get a chance to impact and change. What I could not see and did not understand, I had no hope of affecting, influencing or changing because it lived in the unconscious. Counselling from “those Therapists” helped me to see what I could not see. That gave me the key to be the author of my future choices, destiny and outcomes. "Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Would the real and authentic Gary please stand up. Only one of us (one of the Russian doll layers) is now standing up! I can now say – “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Well – it’s me (Gary McFarlane) of course!”
What about You? Your turn. Tell me your story so that you become the author of your new life.
The brain does not like pain. Its job is to protect us and minimise pain and it will set about doing so very diligently, but not always best choices are made. When put in place and repeatedly practiced, they become the neural pathway “go-to” soothers. A key question is “What happened to you” to set up the way that you are doing life?
Remember, childhood development can throw up a lot of clues if you go looking. Templates get set up early in childhood. When put in place and repeatedly practiced, they become the neural pathway “go-to” soothers. The fact that behaviour patterns have become compulsive habits and rituals or even an addiction, is not easily seen or recognised or acknowledged – for years and years and years.
Connecting with the unfinished business of childhood – which holds the keys to the adult behaviours –means finding and re-nurturing the child in you. Learn to like and live with you and on the way, recover from such practices and self-soothing habits and behaviours like sex, porn, love Addiction or something else. Get it?
You will then be equipped to become the author of your new destiny. Your future.
What makes me a trusted Therapist to accompany you on your journey?
I am right for you for sex, porn & love addiction recovery. My Kairos Changement Recovery Programme is not so much about recovery (or sobriety) only, but more about “Reclaiming your life” – which went off at a tangent years before. As a facilitator alongside you, I am seeking to journey with you without adding to Shame; bringing colour to life and at the same time, achieving sobriety.
Over 20 years as a lawyer (having done a career change into therapy) has equipped me with people skills and understanding the dynamics of people issues which need problem solving outside of self. My own journey is testament to a life re-birthed. Leading people through a maize of processes and de-mystifying complicated things, is what I do best. Let me accompany you on a life journey to find the real and authentic you – which you may like! “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference” – Robert Frost.
I do not offer clients a person who had a sex, porn or love addiction, but someone with skilled specialist training and expertise over many years, with tried and tested tools, being used by hundreds of women and men all over the world. They work! The programme works!
Let me accompany you as a skilled facilitator, with a tried and tested Recovery programme that works. The testimonies of past clients give you assurance that the facilitator and the programme work. "Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Follow these links to see what the Guardian Newspaper had to say about one of my clients who chose to share his story: “Sexual addiction, desire and Dopamine hits”:
and another who wrote his own blog:
More about me and each of those areas of specialisms
Sex, Porn, Love Compulsivity & Addiction: I am super excited to bring to you what is one of the world’s first complete Video-on-Demand Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, accessible from wherever you are in the world. It is being used by hundreds of clients based throughout the world. Porn addiction (if it really exists!) is at pandemic levels, affecting those aged 10 to aged 75 (give or take a few years). Women, children and men are impacted and increased exponentially during COVID-19 lock down.
You can sample the course on Youtube, my website or my Podcast channel – The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast. Superfantastic hey. You can start your recovery and achieve traction towards complete sobriety within 6 weeks.
Men and porn – tut, tut tut! Women and romantic literature (as a night cap or tonic before bed) – what’s the problem? There is no problem, if there is no recognised problem. Maybe, however, they are also self-soothing behaviours to opt out of issues in relationships. Maybe it is “love addiction” more than sex addiction and so goes undetected under the radar, but are behaviours to manage Insecure Attachment issues. What do you think? Want to know more? Contact me.
Do you have these challenges in your life – a life not fully under your control because of repeated sex, porn, love addiction behaviour patterns? You thought you did not have a problem and could stop when you really decide it is time to stop. You tried to stop, somewhat half-heartedly initially, then you gave it a good shot and it came back. You have stopped trying and painfully it co-exists with you, sharing your life like an unwelcomed best friend overstaying their welcome on your sofa; but how do you ask them to leave?
Things CAN change. Don’t believe the lie. That is the lie which “Shame” has been telling you and wants you to keep the behaviours hidden.
"How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win." — G.K. Chesterton.
Here is the Definition of Sex Addiction that I use: “A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful consequences and the behaviour serves a function in your life and it is used primarily to anaesthetize some negative feeling state. (The important criterion, which makes it an addiction, rather than a love of sex, is that, it serves a function)”.
Shame + Narcissism = Sex addiction
Sex addiction is not about sex. Porn addiction is not about pron. Love addiction is not about love. They are for managing life; for self-soothing; for escape; for reward and feel better. It is all about addiction to those potent neurochemical/biochemicals called Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, Norephrinepine. The physiology of the body becomes use-dependent on its fix – its drug.
All about Feeling-States. A negative feeling-state gets overridden by a positive feeling-state activity. So the brain links the two and craves more repeat positive feeling-state. When the negative feeling-state is around, repetitive “go-to”, soon takes away apparent choice and becomes an automatic process, driven by the now entrenched/juxapositioned neural pathway. Get it!
Don’t try to change behaviours as the first step. First change your thinking; your cognition. If you can change your thinking, you can change your life – the trajectory in which it is heading. Powerful hey!
Get knowledge. Get understanding. Then reclaim your life and on the way, recover from sex, porn, love addiction.
“It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged. The only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it...” — (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)
Support for Partners finding out about the other’s Sex, Porn, Love Addiction: “Does sex addiction really exist or is it better described as a healthy interest in sex, more than most people? I caught him viewing porn on the Internet. I caught her in a chat room and the things they were saying was very suggestive. I found stuff on his mobile phone that undermined my trust. I find myself wanting to check his phone and phone bills and look at the history log on his PC. I find myself searching his pockets. I feel so…Anyway “all men view porn, don’t they”?
Partners often live in secrecy due to the umbrella of shame (which means “hide/hidden – don't let anyone know). I have worked with the partners who don’t make it through the trauma of finding out about the behaviour which had been taking place over decades of the relationship. An extreme, is that of taking/ending their life, as a response to not knowing how to re-do memories with the person they no longer feel that they know.
Psychoeducation support –by imparting accurate knowledge about the terrain of sex, porn, love addiction – is offered to get partners through. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) for the trauma, is also very effective.
Relationship Counselling: For singles, couples, Marrieds, partners, pre-marriage prep, long, long time partnered/marrieds. We talk childhood development, family scripts, insecure bonding that plays out in adulthood, conflict, conflict Management & Resolution, right through to sex (before breakfast!), to advanced sex (for those that are ready). State of the art, up to date current thinking – is brought to you. By the way, some thinking and teaching doesn’t change. What Great grandma knew, is often more than wisdom now! If the relationship is already good, it can be better!
No more “round and round the mulberry bush” for you. Learn it well this time around, apply well and see the beneficial outcomes that move your life from one trajectory to a new one – for good.
In the next few months of 2023, I shall launch a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners) bringing together my experience with hundreds of Singles and couples over 19 years and a few books written on the subjects.
Therapists can purchase individual videos, which may be of interest to them. Clients can work the programme from the comfort of their home, together or as singles, with accompanying workbooks and the ability to book review sessions with me from time to time.
EMDR: Unresolved and unprocessed issues of a past life and childhood development may needs to be re-visited, but there is much avoidance, hesitancy, procrastination and just scared to open boxes where they have been filed for decades. You have co-existed with the stuff for so long, they have free residency and pay no rent for occupying a space in your brain.
You know it is “Trauma”, even complex trauma, but not want to open the tidy boxes; but the stuff does leak out every now and then. Maybe not too, too frequently though and so you let them stay.
You do not have to co-exist with the stuff set up in the past decades. Go after them with this process called EMDR. It has gained momentum in all areas of Therapy. Simply put, “it works”. Whether for:
Panic attacks
Complicated grief
Dissociative disorders
Disturbing memories
Phobias
Pain disorders
Performance anxiety
Stress reduction
Addictions
Sexual and/or Physical abuse
Body dysmorphic disorders
Personality Disorders
it works!
“Trauma is the external wound, not the internal event” – Gabor Mate
Trauma is a story that has not moved on. It is a “story” because of the truths that your brain made of the event when it unfolded; but it may not be the full reality because of the compromised brain functioning at the time of the event – but it is set up in the body – from what all five senses took in at the time. Get it!
Listen to Prince Harry’s experience of EMDR (14mins 21 secs into the recording:) click here.
You cannot change what you cannot see or understand. Let us together move some stuff from the unconscious, to the conscious, so that you can then go after the stuff – with a little bit of help.
Psychosexual Therapy: The Kairos Centre provide professional therapy and counselling across the full spectrum of Sex Therapy services for couples and individuals. Do you identify with any of these issues?
Loss of Desire: “I know I should want to, but I can’t muster the desire. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t really miss it that much. What’s all the hype?”
“Had the babies, got the man, lost interest in Sex. What’s going on?”
Lack of Orgasm: “I’m told I will know it when I do, but I don’t. Maybe I have; perhaps not; guess I can’t; did I miss it? The earth didn’t move for me! What I have is ok, but I am curious if I am missing something else”.
Erectile Disorder: “This is a big deal; don’t know what to do; what else to try. My mind says I do want to, but my body just won’t respond. The harder I and we try the more pressure causes it to subside and wane away before I can…I have read that it is very common, but that ain’t making me feel better.”
Viagra not always a long-term fix. ”Can my medication have something to do with it? I am only on diabetes and hypertension medication”.
Vaginismus/Unable to penetrate: “It hurts so much when he tries to enter me. I want him to, but it just won’t go in. I try to relax, but we fail. It’s taking a toll on the relationship. I can understand how he feels. It’s my problem. I need to sort it, don’t I?”
Sex in age: ”So sex isn’t just for a younger generation then. Help us to understand what changes. What improves!
Pain during intercourse/Dyspareunia: “Make the pain go away. I love him, but…”
Sex and disability: “So we can then! We certainly do. But there are differences. We are inventive!”
Premature Ejaculation: “It finishes oh so quickly. I feel for him; but it has left me high and dry and frustrated for so long. What can we do? We have tried lots of things, but nothing lasts for long and the problem still returns. What is it we are not doing? Will it be like this for life? Is it me and caused by my excesses in younger life?”
“Is it because of all the porn I have been watching since I was aged 10 years old?”
Female Ejaculation: “Nonsense! Women don’t ejaculate. If they did, what would it be? I know a girlfriend that does. She says it’s the best thing. Can I experience it?”
G-spot orgasm: “Fact of fiction? Different types of orgasms, Fact or fiction? Multiple orgasms. Fact or fiction? Squirting. Is it pee or other fluid? Fact or fiction? It happens to me. Normal or is there something wrong with me? Can I do that? Should I be doing that? Is that what is being called female ejaculation?”
Consummation: “We know we are supposed to know, but we don’t. How do we do it – have sexual intercourse that is? My marriage was arranged. We were both so lacking in knowledge and information.”
Masturbation: “…or is it self-pleasuring? Therapeutic or unwanted? Does it have a place in our relationship? I caught him doing it. I was so hurt. I couldn’t understand why he would need to do it. I felt…”
Singles/Couples: “So it’s not just for couples then. I can get counselling and sex therapy for me alone as a single person?”
Take first steps (or do you prefer “a call to action”?)
In 1962, in a classic study called Cradles of Eminence, Victor and Mildred Goertzel investigated the family backgrounds of more than 400 highly successful people. They sought to identify the early experiences that may have contributed to their remarkable achievements in life.
They included people like Einstein and many others who are famous and admired. Their backgrounds proved to be very interesting. Three-quarters of them came from troubled childhoods, enduring poverty, broken homes or parental abuse. One-quarter of them had physical disabilities. Most of those who became well-known writers or playwrights watched their parents embroiled in one crisis after another.
Here’s what the research concluded: The need to compensate for disadvantages was a major factor in their drive towards personal achievement. These people had one thing in common – the overcoming attitude.
It is time to bring colour back to life.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference” – Robert Frost.
My various Books which I have written (one being The Art of Loving) is available on Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com and Google Books.
On 30 September 2023, I shall present a Webinar for BAATN (Black & Asian Therapy Network) on: Talking sex in the Therapy room (for Therapists)
Some client testimonials
“Have you ever watched the film, It's a Wonderful Life? It's one of my favourites. There is a scene where the main character played by James Stewart is thinking about suicide. An angel called Clarence comes to rescue him…He then notices he is alive because he can taste the blood in his mouth and he is jubilant and thankful …I am grateful to be alive, I am passionate, I am caring, I am proud , I am a teacher, I am a good Mum, Daughter, Friend, Wife. I am brave, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am funny , I am curious, I am a learner, I am clever, I am complete, I am good enough for me, I am independent I am neurodiverse, I am talkative, I am interested in people, but most of all I am loved…Thank you for helping me believe in myself. I would like you to be one of my Disciples please? Can I have you as one for Self-worth?...Thank you for making me realise, I am worth it…I am so glad I met you. Thank you for your steadfastness, courage and passion for what you do.”
"My actions had spiraled out of control! I Felt in-human and had exploited my partner to the point of complete relationship break down. Feeling desperate and unable to link my actions to the person I thought I was I reached out for help, though the prospect of this first step was terrifying! At our first meeting and through tears I somehow managed to communicate my situation to Gary who immediately put my experiences into context. I left that first meeting with a sense of hope, and knew that I had made the right choice. The therapy uncovered aspects of my personality, behaviour and history that I had never connected and showed me my life in a new light; and yes there were more tears! Through adhering to the programmes steps, I was able to progress and develop and learned techniques that helped me control my addictive behaviour, whilst all the time knowing I was in safe hands. I have a greater depth of understanding now and genuinely see myself in a new way. On top of the life changing support, I ultimately rebuilt my relationship and for this there is no thank you big enough Gary!"
EMDR is the first side-effect free therapy that has worked for me and transformed my life for the better … with an interest in the brain, neurological function, and the link with mental health, I know why this scientifically proven therapy gives a permanent solution to anxiety and depression arising from unresolved trauma and attachment issues. I am so thankful to Gary McFarlane from the Kairos Centre (kairos-centre.com). I have had anxiety and depression since puberty. I am now nearly 60 years old and knew that at times of hormonal and emotional stress and environmental stress, the anxiety was so bad I would have to go to A&E and beg for help…self- admitted to an NHS psychiatric ward… had CBT, talk-based therapies, mindfulness, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, beta-blockers, antihistamines, antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, sleeping pills, sedatives: you name it, I have had it. And yet, the depression and anxiety returned… I rattled as I walked because of all the medications …I wanted to die.
After my first consultation with Gary, I knew I was on the right path to recovery. Gary is clever and professional. He listened, gathered data and recommended we look more into EMDR together. He took my full life history, and I was brutally honest as I was so desperate to get a cure. He identified severe trauma and attachment issues (I thought these traumas were inherently due to my fault and being born with a flawed brain that led me to be depressed, anxious and suicidal). He recommended EMDR and took me through the process with kindness and firmness (I am very talkative, and this is not a talking-based therapy)…Within the first few sessions, I noticed an improvement: I was a lot calmer and measured and, God help me, happier. I started to laugh, my brain opened and slowly the me that I know and love emerged. It is a beautiful metamorphosis...I urge you to try it. It works and you are worth it, and I know it works because I am living proof it works…Thank you, Gary, you have given me back my Wonderful Life.
“I’m the author of my own life story. Unfortunately, I’m writing in pen and I can’t Erase my mistakes but my future will be better than my past.” – Mr Meet
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