Written by: Caroline Tapken, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How do you know when it is the right time to turn your back on your expat life, and ‘return home’?
If you are not being ‘pushed’ by a contract ending, or a new job offer at home, or some other pressing issue, changing the status quo for no apparent reason can be really uncomfortable.
Suddenly, what seemed clear to you becomes confusing. You wake up at 3 am, running through all the different scenarios in your head, trying to weigh the positives of staying where you are, and continuing with your expat lifestyle with all the negatives of giving it up.
Why are you having these thoughts now?
What has triggered this sudden dilemma?
Perhaps you find thoughts of ‘home’ creeping into your consciousness?
Is your expat circle suddenly shrinking as others move on, or return home?
Do you have aging family members, for whom you feel some responsibility?
Is it the fact that the children are getting older, and their education is on your mind?
Or is it your partner who keeps talking about ‘when we go home’, and piling the pressure on to make a decision?
Your first step in making a decision is to determine WHY you are having this internal (or external!) discussion right now? What has triggered this process?
How will you know it is a good time?
For some, the decision of when to go home was made even before they moved overseas for work and a career. It was decided that when the children reached a certain age, a return home was necessary for the sake of their education. Many Australian friends worked this way, ensuring that their children were back in the Australian system at an age where they would easily assimilate and not feel like an outsider. British friends made similar decisions based on the date by which their children would qualify automatically for ‘home status’ when it came to university applications, or prior to starting key exam years. Others passed the ‘point of no return’ and then decided to stay until the children had finished their education.
How to decide?
Making lists is always a good way to gain some clarity – those famous ‘Pros and Cons’ or ‘Positives and Negatives’ of any given situation. Focus on one thing at a time, starting with the process of leaving. Make two columns, one with a heading Reasons to Stay and one Reasons NOT to Stay. Write down all the great things you enjoy about being an expat, and staying where you are, and all the reasons you dislike the current situation. Keep going till you have exhausted all your likes/dislikes and fears.
Now, look at the ‘Reasons to Go’ or ‘Dislike’ column, and focus on what you could do to make each of those negatives better if you decided to stay – or at least less of a negative.
Example:
Reasons to Stay/What will I Miss?
I love the outdoor life here
My job is great right now
I love this lifestyle
Reasons NOT to Stay/What do I Dislike?
5 months of the year it’s too hot to be outside
My contract is uncertain
Friends keep moving on
How can I Change the Reasons to Go into positives?
Plan my leave during the hottest months
Start building a ‘side hustle’ or consultancy business NOW
Can we agree on a time limit & a date by which we will go home?
On a separate piece of paper, do the same exercise with ‘Reasons to Go Home’ and ‘Reasons NOT to Go Home’. Don’t skip the second part of the exercise – trying to turn the list in the ‘NOT’ column to positives.
Reasons to Go Home Now
I need to get back into the workforce before I get too old
The kids need roots
I am tired of the visa process and living year-to-year
Reasons NOT to Go Home NOW
I will never make the same sort of money at home as I can here
The kids’ lives will change totally – and not all for the better
We have just renewed everything for one more year
Positive Slant
If I stay another 2 – 3 years, do I actually NEED a job when I get home?
Research clubs & communities we could become involved in at home
Use the next 12 months to really identify what I want to do and where I want to be in 2 years’ time.
Once you have completed the two parts of this exercise, compare your responses, and you might be lucky to see a clear winner. Ask yourself if you are staying where you are because it is more comfortable than the inevitable change, if you decide to leave.
Who are you trying to please? Are you staying because you want to? Or are you unhappy and staying to please others?
What are you trying to avoid by staying/going? Can you change what is making you unhappy at present?
These are just a few of the ways to try and make choices that work for you, and your partner/family. It is, of course, often much more complicated than I have indicated here!
If the decision to stay or to go remains unclear, we should definitely talk!
Caroline Tapken, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Caroline works with Expats and Repats to help them plan their future, so they can enjoy the retirement they deserve.
She is a seasoned expat herself, with 35+ years of living and working in the Caribbean, the USA, Asia and the Middle East, and a marketing & communications professional with a strong hospitality and travel background.
Caroline is Mum to two third-culture-kids (TCKs) and a rescue Basenji-Saluki mix. She recently returned to live in the UK and is Listener-in-Chief at Joy & Purpose Life Coach.
