Dr Mariette Jansen is an expert in the field of narcissism, due to her narcissistic upbringing and her training as a psychotherapist and life coach. She moved from The Netherlands to the UK, where she lives with her husband, their two sons and her canine daughter. She has been featured in The Daily Mail, The Guardian, Newsweek, CNN, Psychologies Today, CBS, USA Today and other channels. In her bestselling self-help book ‘From Victim to Victor’ – Narcissism Survival Guide she tells her story, adding tons of tools and techniques to support and help victims of narcissistic abuse to reach their position of victor. Currently she is hosting her own tv show ‘From Victim to Victor’, aiming to inspire and courage others to change. She offers 1-2-1 coaching and is currently developing some courses to serve a larger audience.
Mariette Jansen, Coach & Therapist
Mariette, let’s hear more about you, what are you most passionate about?
Having been a victim of narcissistic abuse, but now very much a victor I am absolutely passionate about educating anyone on narcissism. Did you know that the latest estimates are that 1 in 5 people has strong narcissistic tendencies? Emotional abuse only becomes a reality when the target (potential victim) allows it to happen. Knowledge is key here. When people know the red flags and the consequences of narcissistic abuse, they can protect themselves. In my coaching practice I work with victims and support their healing process. It took me more than 5 decades to step out of the abuse cycle. I don’t want anyone else to have to go through that for that long.
You wrote two books about narcissism. What do they cover?
Both my books are written from the perspective of the victim. It is not a theory book about narcissists, it is a book about the reader. Talking to them and offering help in their journey. My first book ‘From Victim to Victor’ covers my personal story. Lots of details on how it is to grow up in a narcissistic family. But also offers information on romantic relationships and the behavioural traits of people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), the red flags, exercises to become aware how you are affected and tools and techniques to deal with your challenges. My second book ‘Rulebook of a Narcissist’ presents what guides the behaviour of narcissists. All their sneaky manipulative tricks and a helpful response to that. So it is really a book to be consulted on a daily basis if you face those people every day. They are both easy to read and really, all you need if you want to understand narcissism and how to deal with it.
Narcissism is a grim subject. How do you keep the light in your life?
Ah, that’s an interesting question. Look, there is a lot of grim stuff out there in the world. You can hide from it or you can face it and change it. And I have a naturally positive predisposition. I must have. Otherwise, I would have been mega-depressed and unhappy. But there is something important about facing reality. Acknowledging how ‘bad’ it is and deciding that that is not what you want is a very powerful and empowering moment. And I always add to the reality check the notion ‘at this moment in time’. Which emphasises that it is temporarily and over time and with work, it will change.
So, for me it is wonderful to connect with people who have come to realise with my help, what the source of their unhappiness is and then facilitating their journey to healing and well-being.
How do you work?
Making changes is all about baby steps and perseverance. Most people are impatient and want it all to happen NOW. They shoot for the moon, but are so disappointed when they don’t hit the target within a short space of time that they don’t even hit the stars. Change is hard and in order for it to stick, you need to build a foundation of easy to apply babysteps: take your time, be self-aware, decide on a step, take the step, evaluate, learn and prepare for the next step. This might sound like a long process, but it is not. My clients notice changes immediately after their first session and soon they will reach the moon.
What is your philosophy?
I have designed a process that supports my client’s journey from victim to victor: AKSACC.
A= awareness. You need to be aware of your situation from an observer’s point of view and non-judgmental.
K= knowledge. You need knowledge about your situation and yourself.
S= skills. You need to develop skills to tackle your situation.
A= application. It is important to apply those skills.
C= confidence. Applying skills successfully will show you how you can handle challenging situations and support your confidence. The more situations you experience, the stronger your confidence is.
C= control. Feeling confident in dealing with challenges in an empowering manner shows you how to take control of situations that use to control you.
That is the attitude, behaviour and belief of a victor.
What are your plans for the near future?
I am currently hosting a series of tv shows with the theme ‘From Victim to Victor’, offering inspiration, hope and encouragement for anyone who feels a victim. And to be fair, we all are a victim at a certain moment in life in a certain area. Think work, health, relationships, we all have been there or still are. It is fascinating to talk to my guests and discover their journeys and how they got through. I am thinking of using these experiences for another book. I am currently developing an online course to help victims of narcissistic abuse to heal and get their lives back. And just for fun, I am writing a book with my little dog, Mollie, about how she experiences life.
Plenty to keep me busy.
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