Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
Known worldwide as the Positive MOM, Elayna Fernández is a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed storyteller, and an award-winning mom entrepreneur. As founder of The Positive MOM Community, Elayna helps moms craft their stories and turn them into streams of income. Her blog, books, and programs inspire millions of moms around the world to break cycles, find peace, and feel whole. A several-time TEDx Speaker and a featured keynote speaker on prestigious stages around the world, Elayna weaves the tragedy, trauma, and turmoil she’s endured into her storytelling to inspire moms to validate their own pain, so they can feel seen, safe, and supported and allow others do the same.
What is your business name and how do you help your clients?
My business name is The Positive MOM and my mission is to help moms break cycles, find peace, and feel whole. I love the work I do because I’ve created exactly what I wish I had when I found myself in a dark hopeless place as a single mom of two toddlers with no money, no resources, and no support system in 2004. That’s why now, I help moms craft their stories and turn them into streams of income. And that’s why I created The Positive MOM Community, a free online space in both English and Spanish to help aspiring mom entrepreneurs learn my 12-step blueprint to create credibility, visibility, and profitability as inspiring messengers and digital entrepreneurs.
When moms become successful mompreneurs, they can enjoy the time, space, and resources to invest in their own healing. I teach them tools they can use to validate themselves so they can become peaceful, present, playful, and on purpose. This is what it means to be a positive mom.
The 3-part model of Community, Curriculum, and Coaching is empowering to these moms because they not only get access to the education and tools they need to create a business, but they also have a safe space where they can receive support and they can provide support to others, which increases their sense of purpose. They also receive coaching so they can see beyond their current level of thinking and receive guidance when they get stuck or going through challenges.
I believe that when mothers become financially empowered, whether they lead a single income or dual income household, the economy is revitalized. The entrepreneurial contribution moms make to society is immeasurable: solving problems, helping others, and creating innovation. When moms have the tools to develop personally and professionally, they create a positive environment for their children, and they can prosper financially. This will create a ripple effect in society because it will strengthen the family, the community, our society, and the world.
Can you tell us more about your journey and how you ended up where you are today?
After 18 years of inspiring moms through my blog, coaching, my books, my speaking, and my programs, I feel so blessed to know that my work has made a significant difference for so many moms around the world. My journey started as I became a single mom of two toddlers and I was feeling hopeless, trapped, and alone. And at that moment, I turned to a tool that has always helped me survive through the hardest and darkest times of my life: writing.
Ever since I was a little girl, living in extreme poverty and dysfunction, I turned to storytelling as a way to process my emotional pain as a tool to stay alive. At an early age, I discovered that I could also find meaning, purpose, and relief in storytelling. When I was seven years old, I started my first business: a cardboard puppet theater. I also loved helping others tell their stories. In high school, I would ghostwrite letters, poems, and songs for my classmates, and I wrote school plays. I was no stranger to the income possibilities that come with storytelling.
So I’m really grateful for the inspiration I received that late October night when I decided to stay alive and to stop hiding. I started to share my journey, in spite of the fear - fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of failure. And what I know now is that while I was developing the courage to validate myself by sharing my emotional, vulnerable, raw stories, I was validating other moms and giving them permission to validate themselves.
Through my work, I help moms shed the shame, release the stored trauma, and reconnect with the core essence of who they are. And no matter who you are, you have been through trauma. As Gabor Maté says “trauma is not what happened to you, but what happened inside of you as a result of what happened to you.” And we’ve all been through a lot because pain is the common thread of humanity. As we practice storytelling and story-listening, we gain new perspectives, experience healing, and foster connection. And when we do this in the community, it is like magic!
Why do you think it is so important to highlight mothers and their everyday work?
I think being a mom is such a sacred calling and my four daughters are a treasure in my life, and yet, I’ve learned that it is important for me to also honor what a triggering experience it can be. Motherhood is hard emotional work and many of us go through it alone. Moms need validation of their pain and their efforts. It is important to acknowledge the struggles moms go through, as well as to celebrate their wins. When we support a woman in becoming a positive mom, we shift entire generations. Becoming a Positive MOM means learning to be:
Present: she can be present with her child only to the extent that she is present with herself.
Peaceful: as she heals her emotional pain and has tools to manage her trauma brain, she can make peace with herself, let go of guilt, shame, and regrets, and she can foster a peaceful home environment.
Playful: when she accesses the healing power of play, she can heal her inner child and allow herself to make fun of a basic part of every day, both in her home and her work, On Purpose: when her voice is heard and her creativity expressed, she can impact the world as a leader and entrepreneur.
I have heard the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child,” and what I say is “it takes a supportive community to assure a healthy childhood.”
When a mom is struggling, we must stop asking the judgmental question “What’s wrong with her?” and start asking the curious question “What happened to her?” and the difference-making question “What is one thing I can do to help her become more present, playful, peaceful, and on-purpose? Most moms feel like they’re failing at motherhood and they are overwhelmed with stress. Many have to deal with added pressures like stigma, poverty, or racism. Although they know they could use help, many are scared to ask. In a society where doing it all and doing it perfectly has become the standard, it becomes hard to admit you don’t have it all figured out.
And there are so many tangible ways to support a mom. Anything that lightens the heavy load is helpful. It can be as simple as listening without interrupting or invalidating, or recognizing what she’s doing right.
Mothers are an influencing force in the world and when we support a mom, we support our world.
The core values of the Positive MOM Community are love, inclusion, support, respect, partnership, vulnerability, and learning, and I feel that these are the best tools to support one another in our quest for purpose, happiness, and success, individual and collectively.
I'm convinced that as we support moms in becoming more positive, we will prevent and buffer Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), and we will increase Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs), as they foster healthy attachment throughout childhood and adolescence. This creates a generational ripple effect that will improve mental, emotional, physical, financial, and relational health in our society.
How can mothers break their trauma cycles and feel whole again?
Emotions are neither negative nor positive - they just are. As Rumi would say “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” Both our painful and pleasant emotions are divine signals that help us navigate this life, and yet, we have been conditioned to dismiss, downplay, and deny our pain. And because we don’t learn to be comfortable with the range of emotions that come from our fear, anger, and sadness, we are uncomfortable with other people’s pain, as well.
This means that we are all living and operating as wounded individuals and reacting from our trauma brains.
To paraphrase Richard Rohr, unless we transform our pain, we will transmit it. And the way to transform our emotional pain is through validation. I learned this when I was in a coma for eight days after a car accident when I was 19 years old. I discovered that in order to process my painful thoughts, memories, and emotions, I needed to stay still, feel my pain, and validate it.
And after studying neuroscience, personal development, and positive psychology, and researching for over 25 years, I created a practice that I call my “daily date with pain.” I started the short version of this practice after I heard Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor teach the “90-second rule,” or the concept that any emotional response will last only 90 seconds. I decided to add 30 seconds of validation and this very simple process has been powerfully transformative. It has worked for moms of all ages, stages, and walks of life over the years, too. There are 3 main steps you will take to lean into your emotional pain so you can validate it: See it, Sense it, and Say it.
It’s amazing how 90 seconds of discomfort and 30 seconds of comfort can help us find peace, break cycles, and feel whole. And the reason is this - when we validate ourselves, we learn to validate others, and we all feel seen, safe, and supported, which is what I call emotional wholeness.
When you have the courage to process your trauma - revisit it, call it by its name, and meet it with compassion, you can unwrap the gifts of pain. When you become a Student of Pain, pain can be a portal to peace, purpose, and positive growth.
What are your goals for the Positive MOM?
I know that most people set S.M.A.R.T. goals; however, I created a different type of goals that I call B.O.L.D. goals.
B is for “beyond your circumstances” so you aim for high goals and tap into your potential.
O is for “outside of your comfort zone” so you set goals that stretch you to grow.
L is for “love-centered” so you set goals that reflect the life you would love to live.
D is for “designed for daily progress” so your goals can set you up for joy in the journey.
My bold goal is to grow my community to one million moms who are able to process their trauma as they craft their stories and turn them into streams of income. I want to continue to partner with brands that are committed to supporting moms and families so that I can keep providing a free space where these moms can get the tools, tutorials, templates, tips, and techniques they need to thrive.
I am currently writing my book to help everyone learn to lead with validation and my bold goal is that it will become a New York Times bestseller and be translated into multiple languages. And my BOLD goals always include being connected to God, myself, and others, which is why I invest in my personal growth, learning, and emotional self-care.
You talk a lot about the life-saving power of validation, can you elaborate on this?
When we look at Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, three out of five components are related to validation: safety, love, belonging, and esteem. Validating ourselves and others assures that our needs of safety, love, belonging, and esteem are met.
When someone feels invalidated, they are unable to achieve self-actualization or self-acceptance. This means that we cannot fulfill our potential nor contribute our gifts to the world unless we feel validated and that we cannot be vulnerable and authentic unless we feel safe, seen, and supported.
Validation happens when our thoughts, values, dreams, beliefs, concerns and contributions, and unique emotional experiences are allowed and acknowledged. When we are validated, we can feel that we belong. And validation matters most when someone is in pain. I always say when someone is in pain, we must be present, not positive. This can save a life because research shows that trauma happens not because of the hurt, but because we feel alone in the hurt.
I learned this when I was 19 years old after being kidnapped, brutally raped, and almost beaten to death by a stranger. I felt really alone in this experience because the people around me didn’t know how to validate me - and I wanted to die.
I understand now that when we lean into our own pain, we can learn to lean into others’ pain and be present with them and create a safe space through validation. The pain of invalidation can feel unbearable, but the power of validation can prevent someone’s death, and it can prevent dysfunction, disease, and disconnection - an unlived life.
And it starts with self-validation, which is why I created the Daily Date with Pain practice because when we can acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel our own emotional pain, we can stay alive and thrive through any event, situation, or circumstance - and we can be comfortable enough with pain that we can help others do the same.
What is a motivational shame and how can it help us change our life?
Knowing that invalidation can be disguised as motivation can help us transform our lives and even save others. Motivational Monday might as well be called Invalidation Monday, because these quotes and sayings, often taken out of context or shared without context, often dismiss, deny, or diminish people’s pain and share the covert message that they are wrong for feeling it. I just did a search and found a few good examples:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“A winner is a dreamer who never quits.”
“Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are.”
“The fact that you aren’t where you want to be should be enough motivation.”
“If you want it, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”
“Don’t forget the lifestyle you promised to yourself.”
If a mantra or affirmation is encouraging us to bypass our pain, then it is not a positive one. Being positive is not about pushing past pain, it’s about processing it. A truly positive statement is one that encourages us to give ourselves grace and space to honor our emotions, grieve our losses (or even perceived losses), and witness what comes up with compassion.
I think of Viktor Frankl's famous quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
When we pause, process, and ponder, we can respond rather than react. We can act consciously, be free, and meet who we were born to be. Imagine a world where we stop shaming ourselves and others for showing our pain…and calling ourselves strong when we suffer in silence. That’s the world I want to create.
Why is the anatomy of validating Communication important?
Research shows that 60% of adults recall at least one ACE, and science shows that most of us are carrying generational trauma we may be unaware of. We all have these 3 things in common:
We all carry unprocessed pain
We are all seeking validation
We all desire and bid for connection
Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman teaches about "bids for connection," which is an attempt to get attention, affirmation, or affection, and when these are rejected, we feel invalidated. My Validating Communication model is one of my emotional wholeness tools because it helps us truly feel seen, safe, and supported. And I named it the Anatomy of Validating Communication because it is based on a nursery rhyme you may be familiar with:
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
And eyes and ears and mouth and nose
This is a memorable way to remind ourselves of a few fundamental truths about how to use a sensitive approach in any conversation
Head: Be Patient. The prefrontal cortex — the brain's thinking center — has decreased function and activation, and the amygdala — the emotional center of the brain - is hyperactive. Trauma affects people's ability to think, behave, manage emotions, and relate constructively to others.
Shoulders: Be compassionate. We have a lot of weight on our shoulders. We're all overwhelmed with responsibilities, peer pressure, and societal pressure.
Knees: Be forgiving. Our knee-jerk reactions are not a reflection of how we feel about each other — they have triggered responses that can be rewired.
Toes: Be empathetic. Imagine what it's like in each others' shoes, and validate each other's emotions. We all feel invisible, inadequate, and insecure at times.
The "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" perspective is the foundation of validation. The "eyes and ears and mouth and nose" teach us how to practice Validating Communication:
Make an effort to see the other's point of view
Listen without interruption
Speak kindly
Notice bids for connection that just might be right under your nose.
The Anatomy of Validation is important because it helps us be patient, compassionate, forgiving, empathetic, and present, which makes us an instrument of peace at home, at work, and in the world.
How can people contact you?
They can visit my blog at thePositiveMOM.com or connect with me on social media at @thePositiveMOM!
