Written by: Alexis Lynch, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You start a new relationship, you’re excited, it is going well, then things begin to change. The other person pulls away. They may not know how to verbalize their feelings, whether for the sake of their emotions or yours or maybe both. You check your phone every few minutes, wondering why they haven’t messaged you. The rumination begins, and you become stuck in the loop of self-doubt. Why do we become dependent on validation from others? How is it that the most confident of people start to doubt themselves based on the actions of others?
Emotional dependence can be used to meet unmet needs, come from a preoccupied attachment style, and lead to impulse control issues. If a line were drawn, end to end, one side would be secure attachment, the middle of the line emotional dependency, and the opposite is impulsive behavior. The less secure a person feels, the more impulsive they become due to the anxiety provoked by the unknown. “Do they not like me?” “Is it something I said?” These questions reflect our weight on those we have invested our energy into. It is not only the reciprocation of energy that we mostly expect but also the content of what is given and received.
Those who become consumed by the asymmetrical relationship can begin to lose their identity, assume possessive behaviors, become emotionally unstable, have feelings of emptiness, and ultimately abandon themselves in search of the validation they need to hear for themselves, “You’re okay.” When we look outward for this validation, we leave our worth in the hands of others. If we learn to validate ourselves, we can be present to give ourselves support when needed and given our capacity at the time.
This can be difficult to implement as emotionally dependent individuals experience negative and positive emotions with equal intensity. Negative emotions can engulf into flames of sadness, despair, abrupt emotional changes, and irresponsible temptations. Positive emotions may overtake you with passion, immense happiness, and ease of tension. The black-and-white feelings leave little room for balanced emotions and the use of the wise mind.
The wise mind balances our thoughts and feelings to understand their necessity and how to approach situations with a level head. This can be interrupted by emotional dependence, primarily if it is related to a preoccupied attachment style. A person who experiences a preoccupied attachment style has a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness, intimacy, and commitment. When anxiety is high for the emotionally dependent, jealousy, obsessiveness, and manipulation tactics may be used to try to control the situation. This can reflect a dysfunctional expression of anger that is difficult to regulate and leads to impulsive behavior.
Attachment styles are formed during childhood and carried out through our adult lives. If attachment figures can’t meet the needs of their emotionally dependent child, they can turn into emotionally dependent adults. The parents may have been immature, neglectful, lacking the capacity for self-control, and low tolerance for frustration. This exposes the child to unstable emotions and environment, which can increase the likelihood of predisposed mental health issues arising or comorbidities coming into play. Comorbid pathologies include addiction, anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, and impulsive behaviors.
Emotional dependence, a love addiction, intrudes with obsessive thoughts, over-dedication to their partner, and a need for control due to fear of abandonment. Reaching outside of oneself to seek answers to ruminating questions like “Am I wanted?” or “Do they like me?” could cause a person to feel low self-esteem, isolation, and an inability to cope with feelings of loneliness when their partner isn’t responding or not physically around.
The anxiety rooted in this fear of abandonment and lack of emotional validation creates issues with boundaries. Not only boundaries that protect you from others but boundaries that promote self-validation and regulation. Setting boundaries as an emotionally dependent person can help prevent excess time spent on the relationship. The excess time is used when the loop of the relationship plays over and over in your mind, leading you to disengage from social groups, school, or work.
Just as any addiction, emotional dependence, the love addiction, creates dissonance between what we have and what we think we need. When we need someone like we need food to survive, it leads us to scramble for the right words to say and actions to show, but we don’t always know what that right thing is. Wanting a person, not being emotionally dependent on them, allows them to express their true feelings while still accepting themselves regardless of the other person’s actions.
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Alexis Lynch, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Alexis Lynch is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the State of Florida. She specializes in neurodiversity and encourages the community to incorporate a "difference, not a deficit" mindset. Lynch is neurodivergent herself and feels this assists in the therapeutic process and client relationship. Lynch empowers her clients to utilize their strengths to work toward self-discovery and find comfort in feeling uncomfortable to gain confidence when met with challenges. The client can feel more present in their lives and reduce their anxiety by gaining this confidence and a newfound sense of self.
