Written by Elizabeth Congdon, Team and Leadership Coach
Elizabeth Congdon, is a Team & Leadership Coach rooted in Creative Consciousness' Coaching. She guides individuals, teams and organizations to clarify and align their purpose, values and goals. Her work cultivates cultures that ignite growth, unlocking full potential in high performing individuals and teams who consistently achieve impactful results.
Did you know that, according to Zippia's 2023 report, 98% of employees disengage from their work when receiving little or no feedback, and only 14% strongly agree that performance reviews inspire them to improve?
Despite the critical role feedback plays in personal and professional growth, most of us dread giving and receiving it, especially regarding performance. This discomfort, however, is completely normal. In this article, we’ll delve into why feedback often triggers unease and explore eight practical steps to turn feedback into a mindful practice that cultivates growth and connection.
Feedback and the human mind: The emotional landscape
Our perception of giving and receiving feedback is deeply human, rooted in how our brains assess situations as safe or unsafe. When we view feedback as unfair or inaccurate, our brain triggers a "threat response," leading to stress and defensiveness. This reaction is grounded in neuroscience, particularly in the SCARF model (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness) developed by David Rock. When feedback threatens any of these areas, our brains instinctively go on the defensive, which can result in negative behaviours like gossip, decreased performance, and adopting a victim mindset.
Another challenge with feedback stems from our inherent need for belonging. While we often view work as a simple transaction, show up, do the job, and get paid, our brains also see the workplace as a social environment. Feedback consistently perceived as negative can damage our sense of belonging, leading to disengagement. This disengagement stifles open dialogue, creativity, and risk-taking, critical elements for a company’s success. Research on psychological safety by Amy Edmondson supports this, showing that employees are more likely to engage, take risks, and innovate when they feel safe.
Feedback is a relationship tool
Feedback is a relationship deeply rooted in communication. At its core, it should inspire growth and cultivate a genuine connection between the giver and the receiver. This connection involves recognizing who the individual is and who they are becoming. Authentic feedback is an act of generosity offered without expectations or hidden agendas, purely focused on the other person’s development and potential. By embracing this mindset, feedback becomes a powerful tool for nurturing trust, driving personal and professional growth, and strengthening relationships.
8 Steps to intentional feedback
1. Start with self-awareness
Recognize the signs that you may be slipping into a state of negativity. For instance, do you notice your voice getting louder or your muscles tightening when you're angry or defensive? During feedback sessions, be mindful of these warning signals. They indicate whether you’re reacting mindlessly or responding thoughtfully. To prepare for a feedback session, take a moment to reflect and jot down the signs that might signal you are entering a negative state. This practice helps you to deliver your feedback with intention and clarity.
2. Be present, be in the now
Focus on your thoughts and the assumptions you're forming. Are these assumptions grounded in facts or coloured by past experiences or hearsay? As you reflect, note any physical tension and use deep breaths to help you relax. Being present means clearing your mind of emotions that could lead to criticism instead of constructive feedback. Engage in honest self-reflection—ask yourself whether you intend to genuinely help the other person grow or to prove you’re right. This mindful approach ensures that your feedback is both thoughtful and impactful.
3. Step into kindness, empathy and compassion
Before giving feedback, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel receiving the feedback you’re about to give? Compassion goes beyond empathy by understanding what the person is going through while still expecting the best from them. Consider what might be happening in their life that could affect how they receive the feedback. Similarly, if you’re the receiver, think about what the giver might be feeling. This approach aligns with the principles of compassionate leadership and "active constructive responding," where feedback strengthens relationships and encourages positive behaviour.
4. Create the right conditions
What do you want the person to take away from the feedback? Intentionally choose the right context. What do you want the person to experience? What do you want the person not to experience? Intentionally choose the intended outcome. Remember, the goal is to benefit the receiver, providing an opportunity for growth and learning, not to make anyone feel better about themselves or to change the person to be more like you. It is not about conveying the point but for the person to listen and hear. For example, as a giver, your context could be, “I’m grateful for the opportunity to help this person succeed in their role.” As a receiver, it might be, “This feedback will guide my learning and growth.”
5. Address the behaviour, not the person
“Examine what is said and not who speaks.” - African proverb.
The goal is to motivate the receiver to improve and do the best work, not to criticize. Avoid interpreting, judging, or sharing personal opinions, and stick to the facts. For instance, say, “I’ve noticed you raise your voice and talk over people when they provide input that differs from your point of view. I’d like to hear your thoughts on that,” rather than, “You have anger issues.”
6. Deliver feedback timely and specifically
Don’t wait for annual or semi-annual reviews; feedback should be about continuous improvement. Research shows immediate, specific feedback is more effective because it helps individuals connect their actions to outcomes. Frequent, timely feedback helps people improve incrementally, rather than waiting for formal reviews that often focus only on recent performance.
7. Give space for self-discovery
The best feedback encourages self-analysis and reflection. Ask open-ended questions like, “How do you think you did on this project?” " What would you do differently?” " What has been working well for you?” " What has not been so on point?”
This type of questioning allows the feedback to emerge from the receiver first, making it more impactful and encouraging self-directed growth.
8. Be mindful of your technique
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
To make feedback truly effective, avoid turning it into a monologue or debate. Keep it a dialogue. If the receiver looks puzzled, ask insightful questions such as, “What key takeaways have you gained from this feedback?” or “Is there anything that needs further clarification?” The clarifying questioning approach helps ensure they grasp the core message.
As the receiver, if you’re unsure, seek clarity by asking, “Can you explain the impact of this feedback on my work and the team more clearly?” or “Here’s my understanding of the feedback are there any additions or corrections?” For deeper insight, request, “What specific changes or outcomes are you hoping for?” This encourages mutual understanding and effectively guides continuous improvement.
Transform your leadership and team dynamics today
Are you ready to transform your leadership skills and elevate your team’s performance? As a leadership and team coach, I help leaders like you harness the power of intentional feedback, cultivate a culture of continuous improvement, and build stronger, more cohesive teams.
In summary, when used mindfully, feedback is a powerful tool that can cultivate personal and professional growth, strengthen relationships, and enhance workplace engagement. By understanding the emotional landscape of feedback and applying intentional practices, we can transform feedback from a source of discomfort into a meaningful dialogue that can catalyze positive change. Remember, the key to effective feedback lies in self-awareness, presence, empathy, and a genuine desire to help others grow.
Ready to transform your organization with purpose and clarity? Reach out now to start your journey with Elizabeth Congdon | LinkedIn
Elizabeth Congdon, Team and Leadership Coach
Elizabeth Congdon is a team and leadership coach who brings a unique blend of experiences to her practice. She empowers people to embrace innovative thinking and adaptability. With a foundation in creative consciousness coaching and a background in leading business transformation, digital transformation, and agile ways of working projects for global companies, she excels at guiding individuals, teams, and organizations toward clarity and alignment in their purpose, values, and goals. Elizabeth fosters inclusive cultures that promote courage, confidence, and creative thinking. Her holistic coaching approach ignites team engagement and collaboration, resulting in high-performing teams and individuals.
