Written by: Ajabeyang Amin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We love differently! And how we love has been influenced by many aspects including our cultural orientation. By that, I am referring to the terms, individualism and collectivism. In other words, “Me” versus “We.” Individualistic cultures prioritize autonomy and individual needs/goals while collectivistic cultures focus on benefiting the needs of the social group.
Having traveled and lived in different parts of the world, I have observed that cultural differences play a huge role in attitudes and behaviors. In one place being quiet could be perceived as honorable and worthy of being celebrated while in another it could be perceived as coldness. In one culture, loving well means giving someone their space while in another culture, loving well means always including someone.
When I lived in Tema, Ghana, people invited me to eat with them whenever they were eating even if it was on the same plate. As time went on, I realized their orientation toward communal living as their way of loving and welcoming me. This makes sense when you recognize that Ghana has a collectivistic culture at large.
The variation of cultures isn’t only from country to country, it extends from region to region within the same country. Take for example, when I lived in Washington State, U.S.A, I found that people didn’t intrude. There was an unspoken rule of “you do you whatever that is, and we would mind our own business, you let me know if you need anything.” With time, I noticed that people loved me here by giving me space. On a broader scale, this makes sense when we consider that Washington state is known to have an individualistic culture even among other states in the U.S.
In the movie, Spanglish there is a scene when the Mexican American daughter tells her Mexican mom who is approaching her, “not right now, I need some space.” Her mom comes closer to her and says, “not a space between us.” The mom’s words speak to a common sentiment that people from collectivistic cultures hold. The notion that one’s child or loved one is a part of them, therefore, to establish a boundary as the daughter did, is foreign and can be perceived as rude. It is not characteristic of the common good.
I experienced this firsthand during my college years among my African friends who will come to my house saying they are hungry, open my fridge or my pots and ask me what I had to eat. They made themselves really comfortable as you can see and that was their way of expressing closeness to me. This was quite a contrast with my White American friends who even after frequenting my house several times would ask each time if they could use my restroom and would never open my fridge unless I told them to get something.
People from individualistic cultures loved me by giving me my space while those from collectivistic cultures loved me by the notion of “no space between us.”
Yes, culture certainly influences how we love. I guess this is one of the reasons why we are drawn to people with similar cultures as us, we more easily understand them. But for all those times when we don’t fully understand why people are doing certain things and telling us they love us, we can seek to understand. The lesson here is to be an observer, not a judger. When unsure or confused, give it time, notice what’s happening, ask questions, and seek to understand before drawing conclusions.
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Ajabeyang Amin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Dr. Ajabeyang Amin is a psychologist, Christian counselor, and blogger. She founded the blog, African Mind Healer where she writes on mental health, culture, and faith. She is dedicated to helping people heal from their traumas, get unstuck from their past, blossom into authenticity, and do the things they are called to do. She has helped multiple individuals and couples work through various life challenges. She is inspired by her faith, her clients, her experiences living in multiple countries (Cameroon, Senegal, Ghana, France, El-Salvador) and 5 U.S. states, and by being a highly sensitive person. She holds a PsyD in counseling psychology from Northwest University, an MPH from the University of Michigan, and a BS from Penn State University. As you read her writing, her unique background and perspective might just inspire you to take a pause and think about your life.
