Written by: Nicole Posner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever wondered why you are more supportive of certain team members and less so of others? Read on to understand the impact of this practice and 5 useful steps to address it.
Come on… be honest. Do you have a favourite child?
If you don’t have your own children, I bet you know someone who outwardly adores one of their little cherubs more than others.
The child who can do no wrong. The child who breaks your iPad but you smile and let it go. The child who is allowed to stay up an hour later than his or her siblings.
Why do you think that is?
In many cases it’s because they are easy, compliant, communicative, helpful, caring, thoughtful and responsive. And when they make like easy for you, you are more willing to ‘make allowances’ and be more accommodating towards them.
And in the workplace it is no different.
But what about the difficult personalities? The ones who make your busy days challenging. The ones who create disruption. They can be draining, exhausting, very time consuming and the chances are you will be less inclined to put yourself out for them. This can become problematic if you don’t recognize it or are unwilling to admit your bias.
As a measuring stick, why not consider how you might react in the following situations.
When a team member knocks on your door and asks you for support and guidance on a project? Do you happily welcome them in or do you find it an irritating interruption as they do this constantly and at inconvenient times?
When a team member asks to schedule a meeting? Do you share that your calendar is wide open for them or do you begrudgingly squeeze them in to a 15 minute slot?
When a team member wants to talk through some exciting new ideas? Do you invite them for a coffee to discuss or do you suggest they jot their thoughts down in an email for you to consider?
When a team member puts in a request to take the afternoon off for his / her son’s birthday party? Do you agree without hesitation or suggest he / she takes it as half a day’s holiday?
Can you see where I’m going with this?
If you constantly feel challenged or irritated by one of your team, this will show up in your communication style and your behavior, whether you are aware of it or not.
A good example of this playing out might be a situation where a team member frequently talks over others in a meeting. Not only is this disruptive, it’s disrespectful and annoying. You might find yourself unconsciously dismissing their ideas because of your irritation (even though their ideas might have actually been quite good) and instead giving the floor to one of your ‘favoured’ team members. The team member who is just so accommodating!
In order to break the chain of difficult and unhelpful communication between you and change the dynamics of your relationship, a little exploration is required.
Instead of staying stuck in your beliefs and frustration about this person that they are difficult, why not examine what really infuriates you about them. Having clarity on what is driving your reaction is essential before you can address it.
Once identified, arrange a conversation to discuss it. This could be in a weekly catch up or over a coffee but don’t wait until a formal performance review as it will continue to be a source of irritation and only escalate.
This might be a tricky conversation so plan it well. Share you observations and then offer a big helping of curiosity. Hand it over to them. Ask what their thoughts are about your comments. Their reply may be surprising. Perhaps your team member is unaware of their unhelpful style or just very enthusiastic to share ideas. Or you may be shocked to find that this ‘overtalker’ is actually very nervous in these meetings so overcompensates by domineering the conversation.
Until you’ve understood the reasons and discussed it, nothing will change. Neither therefore will your attitude to them.
Discuss what support would be helpful. This could be coaching, training or simply regular check-ins with you.
These steps are a much more efficient use of your energy to build rapport and your relationship and once your team member starts to implement the changes, you will no doubt view them in a much more amiable light and will sense a change in your approach towards them too.
But please…. no more favorites!
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Nicole Posner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nicole is a Communication and Conflict Expert, supporting leaders, business owners and high-performing teams to communicate and navigate difficult conversations with confidence, courage and compassion. She is a Consultant, Executive Conflict Coach, accredited Workplace Mediator and Trainer and has an interest in the psychology of conflict combined with extensive experience in PR and Communications. Her clients include CEO’s, Leaders, Senior Executives and their teams across multiple sectors.
Nicole is author of many published articles on communication and workplace conflict in the following publications: Thrive Global, SME Magazine and HR Magazine. She was featured in COACH Magazine in 2020 and is a regular podcast guest and contributor to local radio shows discussing conflict and communication issues in the workplace. Last year she was a shortlisted finalist in the UK National Mediation Awards 2020.
