Written by: Erika Davey, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When you don't have personal boundaries, other people take advantage of you and your time without even meaning to.
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, and limits you create to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards you. They are based on your personal thoughts, values, desires and beliefs, and therefore, you are the only one who can set boundaries for yourself.
Boundaries can be both general and personal.
General boundary
Not allowing someone to bully or abuse someone else in your presence
Speaking up when you hear foul language and asking for it not to be spoken in around you or your kids
Avoiding violent movies or intense news stories that you find upsetting
Personal boundary
Standing strong against peer pressure
Stepping away from a relationship with someone whose behavior embarrasses you
Ending a relationship with someone whose attitude toward you is anywhere from unfriendly to abusive
Stating your opinion, even when it may be in the minority or unpopular, without getting defensive
Blocking yourself from “picking up” someone else’s energy or influence
Stopping yourself from being bothered by someone who you have to interact with
The word boundary can be a bit misleading because it conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, both intimate and professional.
Boundaries ARE:
Flexible. You will have different boundaries for different people. And, your boundaries may change over the years as you mature and your perspective shifts.
For your protection. Boundaries help you maintain enough energy to care for yourself, remain focused, and be productive.
Deeply personal. Your boundaries are shaped by your childhood, culture, life experiences, and family dynamics.
Boundaries ARE NOT:
Something to fear. When you set boundaries, you actually attract people who are willing to respect you and want good things for you.
Meant to limit you. Boundaries protect you. With appropriate boundaries, all of your relationships improve and you actually enjoy the things you choose to do because they match your values.
About right and wrong. Your personal boundaries are based on your own value system and perspective, and you don’t have to explain or defend them. If someone refuses to accept them, you should question if you really need that person in your life.
The 1 benefit of boundaries is Self-Validation.
When you stick up for yourself by stating your opinion, make decisions based on your beliefs and values, and put yourself first, you will notice that you don’t need or want the opinions or influence of others as much because you are able to self-validate.
With strong boundaries, you will enjoy a sense of inner peace and outer harmony because you are able to validate yourself and put your energy toward what is important to you, instead of what is important to others.
Signs you need a boundary:
You feel tired and overwhelmed
Your relationships tend to be difficult or dramatic
You find decision-making a real challenge
You feel guilt and anxiety, worrying if others are happy or what they think
You are a tiny bit annoyed most of the time
You often wonder who you really are
You tend to overshare
The worst case scenario for not setting boundaries within relationships is ending up on the receiving end of mental, emotional, physical or sexual abuse.
4 Tips to help you hold your boundaries
1. Remind yourself what is most important.
The wise and validating Brene Brown recommends chanting a short phrase or mantra when you are having trouble holding your boundaries.
Her favorite personal chant is: "I choose discomfort over resentment."
Focus on what is most important to you and hold your boundary around that.
2. Shake off the FOMO.
In order to hold your boundaries, you will have to opt out of some things.
My favorite chant is "Missing out is better than draining myself."Remember the power of the word, "No" and use it when you cannot take on another thing, even if it means you will miss out.
3. Watch out for the "Should Trap"
Saying "No" can trigger the inner shame gremlins, who immediately start in on how you "should" do this or that and you would if you were a better friend/parent/colleague/partner.
If you feel like you "should" do something, pause and give yourself a moment to reset your boundary before answering.
4. Enjoy your own company
Cultivating a relationship with yourself is the best way to hold strong boundaries because you learn to trust yourself and listen to what you need.
Being alone and enjoying your own company and learning to self soothe and self-validate are necessary steps to successfully holding your boundaries.
I recently wrote an ebook, “How to Set and Hold Boundaries.” Please download a free copy here. Inside the ebook, you will find:
11 Signs you Lack Boundaries
The Childhood Connection
3 Steps to Setting and Holding Unbreakable Boundaries
And more!
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Erika!
Erika Davey, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Erika Davey is a Coach, Mentor, and fellow human who works to overcome her own struggles every day. With over 25 years of experience in healthcare, the last 18 years as a Physician Assistant, Erika thought she knew how the body worked. Then, six years ago, she found herself exhausted, consumed with chronic abdominal pain, and full of anxiety. After trying everything offered by physicians and nutritionists, she began to realize that classic Western medicine doesn’t address the connection between mental and emotional wellness and physical symptoms and pain. She didn’t want to shun her medical training, but was intrigued to learn more, so she pursued a Health Coaching Certificate and extra education in Gut Health, Hormone Health, and Emotional Eating. She explored the world of self-healing, chakra health, meditation, and energy management in an effort to calm her mind and heal her spirit. And, she dove deeply into the Enneagram, fascinated by the insight available into our secret fears and why we do what we do. She is elated at what she discovered — a combination of the wisdom and insight of the Enneagram, the benefits of science and Western medicine, and energy management and self-healing techniques. By increasing her self-awareness and learning how to set and hold boundaries, she has been able to trade anxiety and overwhelm for resilience and calm. Now, Erika uses the Enneagram to help her clients achieve self-acceptance and enjoy a sense of peace and contentment in everyday life.
