Written by: Sandy Hayes, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Merriam-Webster defines self-love as:
“An often unjustified feeling of being pleased with oneself or with one’s situation or achievements.”
The definition includes synonyms of the word including: egotism, pridefulness, self-importance and vanity.
We have often heard that “self-love is selfish”, but why have we accepted this at face value? Has anyone stopped to question the idea of what self-love truly is?
If you haven’t yet, I’m here to challenge this for you, right here and right now. Yes, there are people who may act narcissistic and only be capable of loving themselves, but the type of self-love I’m talking about here is completely different.
Growing up, it was often modeled in my family and pop culture that self-love was basically non-existent, especially for women. It was socially acceptable for women to sacrifice themselves for others because there didn’t seem to be an alternative. I want to clarify that even though I’m writing about my own experience as a woman, this situation can also apply to men.
The patriarchy wants women to still believe that our needs come second to everyone else’s: our partner, our children, our parents, etc. Growing up in a society where women are considered “free” yet there are still many ways that prove we are not, including the gender gap that still exists in many parts of the Westernized world, including the United States where I live.
As women, we learned that to be a “good girl” that we had to put others’ needs ahead of our own, especially for the sake of our own needs. We learned to apologize for taking up space and simply existing. Don’t tell anyone “no” otherwise you might make someone else uncomfortable. Our needs were ignored, and our boundaries were unconsciously violated to please others and now we continue to shame ourselves for not knowing better just because we’re adults now.
If you weren’t taught self-love and I’m assuming you weren’t if you’re reading this, then you’re not going to magically become a master of self-love simply because you're an adult now. When childhood emotional neglect or trauma occurs like this, it continues into our adult lives until consciously addressed. These patterns play out in situations at work, in our business and in our platonic and/or romantic relationships where we learn to continually sacrifice our needs since others always came first. When this happens, we fall into a familiar pattern that is hard to break free of until we become conscious of it.
The trauma we go through as someone who grew up not being modeled healthy self-love makes us feel unlovable. It stays with us and haunts our every waking moment, in our minds and our bodies until we learn how to truly love ourselves and allow the love from others in. Depending on how deep the repressed trauma is, it may even manifest as anxiety, depression or autoimmune disease.
In my family, I grew up as a people pleaser where it was unconsciously ingrained in me at a very young age that my needs came last, if at all. I learned to stifle my emotions, my needs and pretend to be this small and “perfect” version of myself that felt anything but perfect. I felt like I didn’t belong or deserve love. I learned that receiving the scraps of love when something bad happened to me was the only love I was worthy of receiving. I constantly walked on eggshells around my house to pretend I didn’t exist, so I didn’t add to the stress of the almost daily fighting that occurred.
I developed chronic digestive issues in my early teenage years which turned into hypothyroidism, hashimoto’s and thyroid cancer before the age of twenty, PCOS in my twenties and then lupus before the age of thirty. The deep shame I carried around feeling unlovable manifested as one autoimmune disease after another, each one worse than the last.
Autoimmune disease is thought to be the body attacking itself, but I believe it goes deeper than that in my own experience of healing these conditions in myself and learning from various sources. One of these sources is Dr. David R. Hawkins, who has studied the vibrational frequency of emotions and the impact of holding on to these lower vibrational emotions such as shame, guilt and fear have on our overall physical, mental and emotional health. Emotions are one form of energy which has been researched in his book Letting Go and how they can positively or negatively affect us if we continue holding on to them.
Our thoughts are another form of energy that can also affect our overall health and influence what we manifest in our lives. For example, I carried the wound that I was unlovable and because I was unlovable, then everyone was going to leave me eventually. This made me feel extremely anxious around others especially in romantic relationships because my thoughts would also go to “When are they going to realize that I’m unworthy of love and leave me?”. This would lead me to self-sabotage these relationships and close off even more emotionally unless a relationship really did fall apart.
As we continue holding on to this deep-seated shame and fear that we’re unlovable, along with the thoughts and experiences associated with these emotions, our mental, emotional and even physical health can and often does break down. I believe this is one of the reasons why rates of autoimmune disease, anxiety and depression are also on the rise.
For most of my life, I found ways to numb these overwhelming thoughts and emotions through overeating until Reiki Energy Healing came into my life two and a half years ago. At that time, I began to truly heal the root cause of this pattern and many others. Patterns like feeling unlovable are extremely common and at the root of so many of our issues. It’s not more well-known since we don’t often speak about it but I chose to now to make you feel seen if this is something you have gone through or are going through now...
As I began to heal the repressed emotions associated with the nearly invisible traumas of people pleasing, my overall health began to improve. I started learning how to give myself self-love. I ended up challenging many relationships and situations in my life that were no longer serving me. Some relationships ended, some became worse before they began to improve and others came into my life and were simply perfect for what I needed at the time.
When it comes to manifestation, we have to learn to give ourselves what we desire first before it can come into our external reality. I began healing many deep-rooted patterns, forgiving myself and others along with finding ways to love and accept myself more every day. This started with me believing I was worthy of love and giving that to myself first.
The last four years since my autoimmune diagnosis has been a long journey of healing and inner work to feel safe around putting my needs first and setting boundaries as needed with myself and others. I still make mistakes when it comes to that and I can admit that I’m not without flaws. Embracing my mistakes has allowed me to see where I can improve and grow in my life. I now choose to believe that love is not about sacrificing yourself. It’s about showing up for yourself more every day and giving yourself the love that you are so worthy of.
As women, we often tend to shame ourselves when we make a mistake, no matter how much else we do right. As we learn to show ourselves the compassion and unconditional love we needed as children, we learn that love can be safe. We learn to trust that we do deserve love from not only ourselves but for others in our lives.
As I continue showing myself and the parts of me that I’ve rejected throughout my life more love every day, my energetic boundaries get stronger. I no longer accept the people and situations in my life that caused me to put my needs last. I find all the relationships in my life growing stronger as I learn to be more vulnerable and open with myself and others.
Self-love is trusting that it is safe to not only have physical or emotional needs; it’s safe to express this to others in our life and set boundaries about what we will no longer stand for. It’s about embracing all of us, including the parts of ourselves that we may struggle loving sometimes or letting go of choices we made in the past. It’s about learning to love ourselves through it all, the seemingly good and the bad.
This is self-love.
Sandy Hayes, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sandy Hayes is an Empath Manifestation Coach, Quantum Energy Healer, Akashic Records & Tarot Reader including certifications as a Master Life Coach, Manifestation and Mindset (CBT) Coach. Her passion is spent empowering empaths to heal autoimmune disease and/or anxiety in order to manifest freedom, self-love and trust in the body, mind, and soul. Sandy was personally diagnosed with lupus in early 2018 leading her on this journey of healing both the autoimmune along with undiagnosed anxiety and depression that has plagued her throughout her life.
She now helps fellow empaths address these health concerns the same way she used on herself to reduce chronic pain, eliminate brain fog, heal food intolerances/sensitivities, build a strong immune system and embrace happiness. Sandy found a unique practice that worked for her through countless research and experimentation over the last four years including physical lifestyle changes, emotional inner work, mental/cognitive rewiring and spiritual practices which all work together to address the underlying chronic stress. Sandy also assists empaths at any stage of their awakening including helping them connect to their intuitive gifts and become healers to themselves and others.
