Written by: Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most of us have things about ourselves and our relationships that we would like to work on, goals that we would like to achieve, skills that we would like to master. Self-growth and evolving as a couple are important for a thriving and long-lasting relationship.
We often don’t pay too much attention to the everyday little things. It’s the big things that seem to pack the most punch. The days pass, we have our regular routines, we have our “go to” comebacks or patterns that we have fallen into. There is comfort in our established ways of doing what we need to do. If we can become more aware that every action, every word we speak, every reaction takes us in a direction. The direction we end up traveling is up to us. With each decision, we are either one step closer to our goal or one step further away.
This is why being more aware of our thought patterns and our behavior and then taking accountability for them is essential. The way in which each partner chooses to react or respond to one another is powerfully impactful on the relationship. When we react quickly, it is our survival instincts kicking in, which is a very common defense mechanism. A reaction tends to be instant and impulsive, without too much thought about the outcome. It is based on beliefs, assumptions, fears, insecurities, and prejudices of the unconscious mind. A response, on the other hand, takes more time to be delivered and is more thoughtful. Consideration of the aftermath is taken into account and responses are more aware of the well-being of your partner. Your core values come into play when a response is given and they are based on information from your conscious and unconscious mind. Learning to respond as opposed to react is one skill that can turn a relationship around in a rather short amount of time.
Complacency is another termite in relationships. Being complacent in a relationship is not productive, at all. This is often defined as being lazy but I think there is more to it than that. It is dangerous to be in a complacent zone. If we aren’t self-aware, it can quickly become our comfort zone. As the saying goes, “If you always do what is easy and choose the path of least resistance, you never step outside your comfort zone. Great things don't come from comfort zones.” Being disengaged, reacting vs. responding, not being invested, being disinterested, and neglecting tasks or issues are all signs of complacency. These behaviors lead to resentment, which negatively impacts the trust that has been built, feelings of safety that have been established, and the connection as a whole. When these important pieces of any relationship are affected, it’s time to wake up and do the work. There is a cost that comes with comfort, there is a price that we will pay for staying in our comfort zone. This cost pertains to our relationships, our dreams, our careers, most everything in our lives, actually. By putting in the work and making a consistent effort in our relationship, we can avoid the consequences of complacency.
Being consistent with the effort that we put in can sometimes put us in difficult or awkward conversations. Instead of avoiding these conversations, we need to dive in. The most effective way to work through the uncomfortable is to get more comfortable with the uncomfortable. When we hang out in the uncomfortable places for a bit it allows us to settle in a little. It is like any new skill we attempt; the more we practice the less awkward it feels. We weren’t experts at driving at first, learning a new sport, or figuring out the additions to the latest smartphone. We worked through the initial learning curve and only then do the awkward feelings ease up and a sense of confidence sets in that “we got this.”
One of my clients asked me this week, “Why should I have to be the one to be vulnerable first?” This question fascinates me because I used to think the very same way. There was no way that I was willing to face potential judgement or rejection if I opened up and “exposed” my inner self. This way of thinking works very well if trying to put up a wall is the goal or trying to maintain a disconnect with a partner. If settling for what we already have in our relationship and being okay with the rate of growth and level of intimacy with our partner is where it’s at, by all means, adopt this perspective. I, for one, am no longer willing to allow myself to settle. The majority of my clients do not come to me because they are overjoyed and are completely satisfied with the state of their marriage, their connection, or their sex life. Growing and learning more about yourself and your partner is not always easy but the path is so worth it.
STOP ACCEPTING WHAT YOU DON’T WANT! STOP ACCEPTING THE MEDIOCRE! If you want things to change, CHANGE! What is stopping you from going “all in?” Get out of your own way. Why should you be the one that opens up first and expresses their inner self? My answer to that question may sound so simple but it always provokes some serious thought. Why not you? If you want to change then why shouldn’t it be you to make the first step to make a change? Why shouldn’t it be you to be the vulnerable one first? No one learns to swim by putting one foot in the water. Decide what you want your relationship to look like and then go all in. Will it feel uncomfortable at first? Maybe, do it anyway!
If you need support, if you need clarity on an action plan to actually “get there” just reach out. Nothing will change if nothing changes. Repeating the same behaviors and patterns that you have become accustomed to will not get you to the next level in your relationship. It is okay not to know the “how.” What is most important is if you want something badly enough, you make it happen. One day at a time, one step at a time consistently will get you closer to where you would like to be.
You are stuck in the position that you are in because of your own limitations, the stories that you continue to play in your mind and the beliefs that you hold. Change your thoughts, change your life. Don’t settle for less in your relationship, your relationship can be what you would like it to be but it will not just happen. Relationships take work, they take consistency, they take leaps of faith, they take compassion, and grace. They take action! Today is a day to begin to create the best possible relationship that you can even imagine. All you have to do is take the first step, and then the next and then the next.
Get rid of the termites and save the house, it is the little things that make or break a relationship. If you need guidance with the “how,” I am happy to help create an action plan for you and support you and your partner along the way.
Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shauna is a Clinical Sexologist, relationship specialist, and international best-selling author. She is the founder of Explore Intimacy, a results-based coaching practice.
Shauna utilizes her private coaching practice to guide couples through their relationship journey. She also helps to empower young adults through human sexuality education, which enables them to make the most knowledgeable and healthy decisions.
Through private sessions, workshops, articles, videos, and speaking engagements, Shauna is passionate about encouraging and supporting healthy families and intimate relationships.
Shauna grew up in Canada and now lives in the beautiful state of Arizona with her husband and two Yorkies.
