Written by: Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Every time we gossip about a divorce — packaging someone’s intimate life and struggles into recreational banter — the stigma surrounding it is reinforced. Besides betraying our internalized misogyny, casting judgment on a women’s character about leaving her marriage through gossip also forces other women to stay in marriages where they’re unhappy, disrespected, abused and denied her personhood.
Yes, women. We do that.
It’s the way women divorce shame other women that is keeping her friends trapped in situations that are worse than we think. It’s because of a woman’s judgement and how she treats other women in the community who left marriages and completely dismisses the underlying reasons for it. In reducing divorce to a salacious piece of gossip, its complexity is buried under a garb of sensationalism.
What it is about divorce that leads to hushed whispers when we speak of it in the context of someone we know?
When a women chooses to leave a marriage, she is ostracised; everyone blames her for its troubles and judges her negatively, even if for years she stood by a man who did all the same behaviours to her.
And why do others judge when they only have partial to no first-hand facts or even more than one side of the story? Are we not fully formed, intelligent adults able to hold space for curiosity and compassion, knowing there is always so much more to a situation than we think? Funny, because we expect our kids to be that way.
Divorce shaming is still alive and well, and I can say that assuredly as I experience it myself regularly. Women in my community who barely knew me in my marriage, and who don’t know me at all now, turn a cold shoulder, fire an icy glance, refuse to say “hello” or avoid even acknowledging my existence when in the school pick-up line or passing in the hallways of our shared athletic club.
It still astounds me how some seemingly confident and “intelligent” married women can be so insensitive, judgemental and ignorant regarding the nuances and complexities of marriage and intimate relationships.
Nobody wants to talk about divorce. But they definitely want to talk about a scandalous way a marriage ended even though, in reality, that usually has nothing to do with why things got that bad.
This divorce shaming is what makes Divorce a tough topic for women to discuss.
No one.
Just like fat shaming, divorce shaming, too is real. Our society is full of people who are quick to judge, gossip, and even character assassinate based on very limited first-hand knowledge of all that must have gone down for a couple to even get to the point a woman would leave her marriage in the first place.
Occasionally, others might even unconsciously divorce shame. These people can be anyone in the family, peer group or friend circle. It can come out as what seems to be kind comments and jokes that can sometimes go to another extreme, causing the individual of divorce pain and embarrassment.
There’s no way to stop people from saying insensitive comments; however, we can rise above and fortify ourselves by knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you or your situation. Especially ones who are small-minded enough to be so quick to judge. No one will live entirely perfectly because perfect doesn’t exist. We are human and will all make mistakes, make choices that we wish we hadn’t or never imagined we would. All of us. Maybe it just hasn’t been your turn yet. Or maybe the divorce of the day brings up what they fear the most for themselves.
Divorce shaming will exist until we collectively smarten up, grow up, and evolve our thinking around it enough to realize that it’s almost never about the subject of the shaming but everything about the shamer themselves.
Are you in a dysfunctional marriage? Or do you have a friend who wants a divorce but fears opening up, being honest or voicing their opinion?
Know that you have every right to lead a happy and fulfilled life – and when a relationship goes south with no chance of a return, fulfillment can come in the way of a divorce. It’s just facts.
Don’t allow any nasty Nancys or big-mouth Brendas to make you think otherwise. 🖤
Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Cindy Stibbard is the driven and compassionate entrepreneur and CEO behind Divorce ReDefined, her Vancouver-based separation and divorce coaching practice. Divorce can be a messy, stressful and particularly raw experience and few truly understand the process, know their options or how to most effectively cope with and manage this major life transition. After going through her own high-conflict divorce, this passionate and determined mother of two, became inspired to help others successfully navigate this difficult time in their lives.
