Written by: Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Divorce is usually something no couple wants to consider, but it's a reality many people may need to realize they might be facing. There are usually signs that a marriage is faltering, but they aren't always easy to spot. Even if you and your partner do see these issues, you might not be sure how to effectively address them. But if you watch carefully for the signs of a disintegrating marriage, you will be in a better position to take action and achieve the best possible outcome.
1. You feel like the love in your relationship is gone
One of the most frequent experiences people have in the lead-up to a dissolution of their marriage is the loss of love in the relationship. You may feel like that initial passion has left and be questioning whether you still love your spouse.
It's important to note that relationships change over time, and that's normal. The kind of love you feel for your partner might also change. The early blossoming of passion in a romance commonly changes into a deeper, more subdued kind of love as you grow closer to your spouse. It's also quite common for that initial blaze of passion to cool somewhat once you begin being around your partner constantly and have to deal with their human flaws.
The romance in your relationship might ebb and flow and change, but it shouldn't disappear altogether. If you are beginning to realize you no longer love your partner anymore or they no longer love you, that can be a very strong sign your relationship is headed towards separation. Love is a very subjective feeling and the issues you are having in your marriage are worth exploring before you decide to call it quits, but there is often no good reason to stay in a loveless marriage if that is what your union has become.
2. You resent each other
If resentment is brewing between you and your partner, especially if it seems to be intensifying, that's a pretty sure sign the marriage is in deep trouble. Anger and resentment can not only do irreparable damage to a marriage. They can also seriously damage your mental health and cause problems in other areas of your life, such as in your friendships or career.
It's worth asking yourself why you have come to resent your spouse, as well as why they have come to resent you. Resentment is a strong emotion that doesn't come from anywhere ‒ it builds over time. Often small things, like your spouse not doing certain work around the house or not communicating with you, add up over time. This leads to an overall sense that the marriage is inequitable, which often leads to resentment. A clearer understanding of the situation always helps you determine what you should do next.
If you are noticing high levels of resentment between you, don't hesitate to take action. Problems have likely been ongoing for a long time and things are nearing their breaking point. Talk with professionals to determine if the damage can be reversed or if you and your partner are truly a poor fit. Then do your best to prepare.
3. You feel criticized all the time
Honesty is important in relationships, but being criticized all the time only leads to resentment, anger and feelings of worthlessness. No one likes to be made to feel as though they are always in the wrong, and it's certainly not a healthy state to be in during a marriage either. Healthy couples do argue and criticize each other, but if it's excessive something bigger is going on.
A spouse who feels criticized may even take up unhealthy coping mechanisms, which can make the issues in the relationship even worse. This could include anything from making bad decisions to deciding to cheat. It's best to identify this problem as early as possible before it can do massive damage to your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, which can be difficult to recover from.
This is an important sign to note whether you are the one being criticized or the one doing the criticism. This is because even if the marriage cannot be saved, you can learn something from this experience going forward. Learn better approaches to interact with intimate partners and how to avoid people who will unnecessarily put you down.
4. You regret sharing your feelings
Your spouse should be someone you feel comfortable talking about your feelings with the most. If you no longer feel that way, or regret telling your spouse how you're feeling, there's a good chance your marriage might be in danger.
Using intimate knowledge of a spouse's feelings against them is incredibly toxic behavior. You should never fear or come to regret sharing your feelings with your spouse because doing so has made the situation worse for you. If this is happening, get needed help immediately.
It's worth evaluating why you regret sharing your feelings. Perhaps you went about telling your partner something in the wrong way that made them react badly to it. Maybe you told them something that really was better being kept to yourself or shared within the purview of another close relationship, such as a best friend or family member. Regardless, your partner now does know and you will need to determine the right way to go from here.
5. Trust is absent from the relationship
Put simply, a couple who can no longer trust each other is in danger of divorce. Trust is one of the foundations of a healthy marriage and without it, the marriage is in danger of ending.
When trust is eroding, you might find yourself questioning your partner's words, motives, actions or suggestions. You might get the sense that your partner no longer wants you to be successful or have aspects of your life that don't include them, such as relationships with close friends. You might even become concerned that they are cheating on you. These are all common occurrences when trust begins to crumble in a relationship.
A lack of trust shows that you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around your spouse, which can create or exacerbate other problems in a relationship. When you feel as though you can't share your innermost thoughts with your significant other, the communication between the two of you is likely to suffer further. This often widens the forming chasm between you.
Rebuilding trust is not easy, but it can be done. You and your spouse might discover that you each have similar fears and insecurities that have caused you to question your trust in each other. Even if the marriage is doomed to end, you and your partner should still see what can be done to get on better terms so the marriage ends as amicably as possible.
6. Your ex is affecting the marriage
If your ex is involved, their influence can negatively impact your current marriage and be a major factor that leads to divorce. Nothing can shake the foundations of a marriage like the shadow of other relationships that came before.
The problems with an ex can be twofold. You may still harbor feelings for your ex, which can leave you questioning whether you should leave your current relationship to be with them. Even if you no longer harbor feelings for your ex, they can leave your partner feeling afraid and insecure. This can cause your spouse to begin questioning the strength of the marriage, and that seed of doubt can be difficult to overcome.
Ultimately you can only control your actions and not what your spouse chooses to do. Make sure that you communicate to your ex unequivocally that you no longer have any interest in being together romantically. Back up your words with actions. Communicate boundaries clearly and effectively with both your ex and your spouse.
7. You are struggling to resolve your differences
Every relationship is going to have disagreements, but always having the same arguments that never solve anything is a sure sign that something is wrong. This is a sign that there are significant issues in the marriage that are not being adequately addressed, which is a condition that can quickly and easily lead to divorce.
In a healthy relationship, it is important to be able to make compromises, forgive your spouse, apologize to them and move on. If you and your partner are unable to go through this cycle and instead constantly get stuck on the same problems, over time this can tear away at your marriage and result in a separation. You seriously risk losing the emotional connection and attachment you have to your partner.
It's actually common for both spouses in a marriage to bring up the same issues. The disagreement often lies in the causes of those issues and what can be done about them. Stopping to evaluate your communication here is a good first step, as neither of you might understand the other's point of view very well. It is often worth it to seek marriage counseling with a licensed professional as soon as possible after you notice this is occurring.
There are often multiple signs that a relationship is in trouble and might be heading for divorce. Some may be more explicit than others, but they all point to a marriage that is suffering. By paying attention to these signs and working towards positive solutions, you stand a good chance of overcoming your challenges rather than divorcing.
Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jolisa Webb is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach ® and the owner of Beauty in the Midst, LLC, a woman and Veteran-owned small business company. Beauty in the Midst DBA Divorce Coach Confidante is rooted in healing presence and holistic, action- and outcome-focused philosophies.
As a divorced mother, a retired and highly decorated Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, and an executive leader, she knows first-hand what the divorce experience can feel like both personally and professionally. With a career spanning the globe, Jolisa has over 30 years of executive, analytical, and leadership expertise in strategic human resources management, with demonstrated success in command and control, communications, information management, personnel, training, protocol, and military equal opportunity.
As a result of her own lessons learned, she became a divorce coach to help female Veterans and other professional women who might be thinking about divorce, in the midst of a divorce, or struggling to move on in the aftermath of a divorce. Jolisa understands how lonely and overwhelming the divorce process can be no matter how intelligent, accomplished, strong and beautiful a woman is. No matter where they are in the divorce process, her Signature Packages are designed to help her clients think and make decisions in a way that honors their truth.
