Written by: Donna Carlson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In 2010, I found myself widowed for the second time.
My second husband Gil was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in 2007 and was told that he had three-five years to live. Our journey through that battle was one filled with fear, enormous stress, constant uncertainty and trying to practice living a day at a time. I stood by his side and supported any and all treatment that he wanted in order to try and stay alive. Gil went through two stem cell transplants, chemotherapy and radiation.
On Tuesday, November 2, 2010, we decided that he would discontinue treatment and enter hospice care at home. We were told that we would have four-six months together but by Saturday, November 6 he was gone.
It was a beautifully frosty and sunny morning on that Saturday. Gil was in and out consciousness and I was emotionally preparing, as best I could, for his passing. My wonderful daughter and sister-in-law were with me and helped to keep an eye on Gil as we waited for the arrival of the hospice nurse and other family including his daughter, son, mother and sister. We were all able to say our goodbyes.
When the coroner arrived my sister-in-law, nurse and he began to wheel Gil’s body down my front sidewalk. All four of my horses were in the front pasture facing the house. As soon as our boy Ben—our eldest gelding and a wedding gift to me from Gil saw and felt what was happening he came loping down towards the fence and the other three followed.
They all lined up and faced Gil. It was then that Ben let out a loud but soft whinny as the other three followed with their whinnies. This stopped us all in tracks; the coroner, the nurse, my sister-in-law and I just stood and watched and heard the goodbye calls of our horses. To this day, my sister-in-law cries whenever we talk about that amazingly beautiful moment and tribute. While I was not surprised by that moment, I was in complete awe of it.
Because I already had a lot of loss in my life up until then, I thought, “I had this”; I understood grief and knew what to expect—I did not!
Shortly after, I found myself slipping into a very deep and dark hole.
Just prior to Gil’s passing, I opened my dog grooming business but was still interested in creating a new career with my horses—other than giving lessons—which I did for years. I completed a few equine related judging programs which I loved but found that it wasn’t feasible to consistently travel and take care of my farm and four-legged friends.
But now I found myself feeling apathy for almost everything. I could not speak at the memorial service two weeks after; I found it difficult to go out to the barn (thank God I had help from my daughter and her boyfriend at the time); I lost interest in exercise and even talking.
What I knew was that I had to trust and let go; although I could not see that light, I believed it would show when the time was right—and so I sat and waited.
Sometime in the beginning of 2011, I began to receive emails from Touched By a Horse, (TBAH) offering the program where I would partner with my horses to help people. I wasn’t sure how I got on the emailing list, but I began to do my research and was thoroughly intrigued by the information about the program.
By March of that year, I began to see the light and was beginning to find myself again. I remember one day going out to the barn and sitting in the stall with Ben. I sat in the sawdust and cried until I had no more tears. As I felt Ben’s breath and his gentle touches on my shoulder and head, I realized that it was fear that was keeping me stuck. While I knew grief, I was now fifty-one years old and felt enormous fear—fear from losing another partner, fear of never having another partner, fear of not having enough money, fear of just about everything.
After that revelation with Ben, I walked into my house and I signed on with TBAH and began the amazing journey of learning about how I could partner with my horses while helping humanity.
This method is based on gestalt principles, is experiential in nature and offers lasting results. The horse is considered a co-active partner in the coaching process and the method has been studied with proven efficacy.
I always had an interest in the social sciences and psychology. I had taken many psych classes in both my undergrad and graduate studies. The thought of combining my interest in psychology and my true passion of working with my horses was a perfect route to take. So, for the next few years I did the intensive coursework and required travel around the country to do the on-site-hands-on ‘core’ work…where the beautiful healing takes place.
Every student must do their ‘own work’. You need explore your healing, your past wounds, your pain and begin to really understand yourself better before you can help others. As the student, you go through the same self-discovery and path that I now, as a coach, walk my clients through. Although I had been through a lot of therapy with my first husband and on my own, this process helped me to unravel and heal some unfinished business.
At that time, I was able to process more about the enormous loss in my life; the loss of both of my parents, my eldest brother, a dear friend, and both of my husbands. I have since lost another brother and several in-laws, and, so many four-legged friends. I was able to work through the heaviness and fear of being alone again at the age of 51 and the struggle of being a caretaker with my second husband through his battle with cancer. I was able to revisit my enormous struggle of being a wife and mother of my young daughter while also caring for my mother, working full-time, and attending law school at night all while watching and being in the horror of my first husband’s five-year demise from an addiction. I was able to walk back to my childhood and clear up any disappointment that was hanging on. I was able to process some of the post-traumatic stress that I felt after my daughter’s critical car accident when she was sixteen. I am sure there was more but so much of this was cleared for me.
This was not traditional ‘talk’ therapy. This is where I was able to witness and feel the power and profound healing from the majestic equine. This is where gestalt takes you to feel the intense somatic emotions in your body, the release, and the beginning of feeling whole again.
I will never forget the first ‘core’ I attended in Arizona. I was not clear what would be happening but went with a bit of skepticism and an open mind and heart. The first time I watched the horse do his incredibly intuitive work on an individual, the tears ran down my face and continue to do so, each and every time I sit in witness of the healing process. I was stunned and amazed and began to understand the beauty of what was happening and the enormous release of that student’s ‘manure’. And, after almost forty plus years of being an equestrian, I was beginning to see, respect, honor and connect with the horse on a new and deeper level.
I had so many ‘aha’ moments in my EGCM training, but the one that has stuck with me the most, the one that took me into an ‘out of body experience’ and the one that really set me into a spiritual place was when I did a session with Melisa, our teacher and mentor, and seven or eight of my classmates. While I watched Melisa help so many in grief sessions, I asked if we could do one where I could heal all of those of mine on the other side at one time. In Melisa’s true brilliance, she said let’s do it. She walked me through a piece of work with all of my beautiful herdmates, each one representing one of my family and friends on the other side--plus I had the power of a majestic steed supporting my back. Melisa walked me through this piece of saying what I need to each and every one and back again. Each one felt as though that person was standing in front of me. As the process got deeper, I felt as if I could see them and their spirit; I felt as though I was lifted up out of my body and their hands were holding me up; I felt as though I could let go of the enormity of the loss that my heart and soul was carrying for so many years; I remember shaking and crying and yet felt so light. It was then that I knew that the energy of each of my loved ones was with me and that I was not alone nor would I ever be!
Horses are so highly intuitive, reflective, and are able to stay in a non-judgement state. They are not neurotic like humans in that they live in the moment. They really do not worry about the past (guilt or depression) nor do they look to the future (anxiety). Yes, of course they know when it is dinner time and they certainly remember when a human has treated them poorly, but they do not sit in ‘worry’ like humans. The equine does not judge the client they are supporting. They do know, however, when the client is genuine and walking in their truth; and they know when and where in the body and soul that the client may be blocked.
Since receiving my certificate from TBAH in 2016, I have worked on creating a program to help heal the body, mind, and soul. To round out my program of healing, I have also studied and received several certifications and am honored to offer support to anyone needing to help especially those who would benefit from my training and experience in grief and increasing your inner happiness.
I have now witnessed the wonder of this work in so many of my clients. My clients have had dreams come true and succeeded in changing careers, process deep healing from past trauma whether from sexual predators or other forms of abuse, began the healing process of grief and learn how to be happy again. These clients each received what they needed from their own courage and bravery, the healing process and reinforcement from the horses, and from the support of me--their coach.
Through my programs, women, men, and equestrians can find their dreams, joy, possibility, hope, and health again (or for some) for the first time. I can support you via phone, zoom or in person. If you have your own horse, we can do some virtual work where I can walk you through some of the work.
I am here to support and help you to transform your body, mind, and soul!
You deserve to feel whole and happy!!
To learn more or sign up for monthly helpful information, please visit my website @donnacarlsoncoaching.com or you can reach me via email at donna@4healinghoofs.com.
Donna M. Carlson Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Donna M Carlson is a A CERTIFIED Transformational Coach specializing in Grief to Happiness and she partners with her horses in the deep healing process.
One of her true gifts is her ability to help women who are ready to move into a positive future space.
She has felt the pain and grief of losing many loved ones, a difficult divorce, living with an active addict, and financial scarcity.
She feels blessed for the lessons that life and grief have taught her and is honored and happy to help those wanting to make a positive change in their lives!
