Written by: Delanie Jooste, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
One of the biggest challenges in our relationships with others is firstly to figure out ‘what we want and need’ and secondly to find a way to communicate that to others. Our ability to master these two competencies impacts the joy and satisfaction or the lack thereof generated by our personal and professional relationships.
Recently I came across a concept of the ‘price of team membership’ which, once you’ve read the term, you start noticing all around you and realize that it holds true for all kinds of relationships. It includes the explicit expectations that we share in relationships. For example, a team might have a shared agreement about the importance of starting weekly meetings on time. Intriguingly, this price also includes the implicit expectations too. In other words, the things everyone expects, but ironically no one talks about. These could include working longer hours than officially stated, being available and contactable beyond office hours, or even the extent to which team members are expected to share personal information, thoughts, or feelings. This remains unique to every team and worthy of some exploration.
The impact of these silent expectations can range from mild irritation to devastating breakdowns in the trust and respect which form the foundation of any high-performing team. In “Transform your team with the Enneagram”, author Ginger Lapid-Bogda explains that those willing to pay this price become “full members” of the team. The perks include being taken seriously, having your ideas respected and being listened to, feeling included in team conversations and having a voice in making team decisions. If you find yourself in a team where the price tag is too high, and you’re reluctant to pay up, you might find yourself having less impact on the team.
An attempt to shed some light on these silent expectations that can impact your team’s effectiveness can support teams to review and intentionally define expectations which support the team and its members. This is preferable to everyone fumbling around in the darkness, bumping into each other’s undefined expectations, getting hurt and causing damage in the process.
Here are three questions that can support your team
How can we shed light on these silent expectations that might be impacting our team relationships?
Start with yourself
Think about moments when you felt disappointed in the leader, the team or a member of the team. What can you learn from this about your expectations of others?
Make a list of your expectations.
What do we do with them?
Convert these expectations into requests. What do I need in the future? Who is the right person to ask? Also, consider the timing of your request.
Step 1 – Share your experience objectively
When (this happened)
I observed (the following facts)
Step 2 – Share the factual impact
The impact this had on (this person or situation) was (the following)
Step 3 – Make a request
Next time…
How and where do we go from there?
Stay curious and continue experimenting. Every time you practise the process, take a moment to reflect on what worked well and what you can do differently next time to continuously build and improve your ability to notice silent expectations and transform them into requests.
John C. Maxwell expressed it eloquently: “Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectations and reality.” By becoming more aware of our disappointment we can liberate ourselves from dwelling in disappointment and take the responsibility to convert them into well-defined expectations. Well-defined expectations allow everyone on the team to know what the implicit and explicit price of ‘full team membership’ is and whether it’s a price that they are willing to pay. This ensures that we create teams where everyone feels included, valued, trusted and respected for their contributions.
If you are curious about cultivating a curious team with an experimental approach to improvement. read the article I wrote about How To Unlock Your Teams’ Potential – Practical Tips For Cultivating A Growth Mindset In Your Team.
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Delanie Jooste, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
I am a Certified Integral Coach through New Ventures West and the University of Cape Town Graduate School of Business. I am also a passionate Certified Enneagram Practitioner through Integrative Enneagram Solutions and run my own Consulting Business and Coaching Practice. I am creative and analytical and incorporate LEAN principles with Positive, Conversational and Emotional Intelligence concepts in Team and Leadership Development Programmes which integrate coaching, training and development initiatives to build the systems, skills, competencies and habits that allow teams and individuals to develop agency, expand their perspective and increase their capacity to achieve their desired outcomes.
