Written by: Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Many, many couples don’t make time for physical intimacy, or even emotional intimacy, because they are just too busy. Business activities, familial responsibilities, social engagements, and household tasks get in the way of time that would otherwise be available for cultivating intimacy.
I get it – when you consider everything that goes into making life work, both personally and professionally, there’s not a lot of energy left for casual connection and/or passionate lovemaking. It’s easy to take your partner for granted because they are an adult and therefore, it feels like you don’t need to attend to them as you do your children and projects/employees/customers. Putting attention on your own needs is also sidelined until you can get to them–which is supposed to happen sometime in the ever elusive future. It’s just simpler to watch Outlander, or be on your phone recuperating from the intensity of the day rather than turning toward one another. Before it starts all over again the next day–which means another day without really prioritizing your relationship.
Staying in this rut happens so easily.
Nevertheless, here’s the reality: if you want a great relationship and an intimate marriage, you have to prioritize your connection with your partner. You have to carve out time in your day to put attention on your partner in a slower, connected manner, and on yourself as well. It’s the quality of attention you give one another that makes the difference in how close you feel, how nourished and supported and cherished you feel. When it comes down to it, you get to choose the quality of your attention and you can also determine where you put it. Just as you decide to attend a business meeting, get your child to soccer practice on time, or order dinner, it’s also a choice to put attention on your relationship and have a meaningful conversation, or touch one another with tenderness.
However, putting attention on your relationship is not like putting attention on other aspects of your life. When it comes to your relationship, it’s essential that you transition from the busyness and focused intensity of your day to open, and slow down, so that you can connect with an intimate partner with less “doing” energy and more presence.
This shift requires intentionality and a lot of practice, depending on how busy your schedule is and your baseline of calm. There’s no quick fix. No mindless option. No automation. You literally need to consciously choose it over and over again, until you establish a new baseline of attentiveness and connection. Getting into a routine which prioritizes the quality of connection you have with your partner is honestly no different than getting into a routine with flossing your teeth, or working out twice a week. Obviously, the experience is significantly different, but establishing a new habit is not. It’s essential that you prioritize this practice and set yourself up for success by attending to any practical matters that are relevant: make sure you’re both available at the same time, put your phone down, do anything else that will make it more fun for both of you. When connecting doesn’t come easily, keep yourself from spinning out. Instead, be compassionate towards yourself, remember that important things take practice, and allow yourself to open up to more closeness with your spouse.
Making transitions well is a huge factor when tending to marital intimacy. Whether you’re shifting from work mode to home mode, from parenting mode to couple mode, or from solo mode to relationship mode, simply knowing such pivots require care can be very helpful.
Create a routine that appeals to you, that works for you in your specific situation. Maybe it means taking some slow deep breaths in your car before getting out of it. Perhaps you change your shoes when you shift from one mode to another, to trigger the unconscious awareness that the pivot has happened. Maybe you listen to something humorous before you interact with your family at the end of the day, so you bring joyful vibes into your interactions rather than stressed ones. The possibilities are limitless.
The other essential step for the ambitious, successful couple’s relationship is having each individual clarify their desires and then share them with one another. It’s important not to act as though your spouse can read your mind–instead get in the habit of clearly and cleanly sharing your desires. They won’t always happen exactly as you would wish, but it won’t be for lack of your spouse knowing what you want!
Does your partner need everything to be just right with fresh sheets and a candle burning, children asleep and the kitchen cleaned before feeling turned on and ready for sex? If you have requirements that have to be met before you are available to connect intimately, be honest with yourself about what you want, and communicate it to your partner so they understand what’s happening for you, and can collaborate on making it happen. Have conversations about your needs and desires, and how they have evolved over the course of your marriage. Being frank about such things builds intimacy, and connection. It seems counterintuitive, but when you share something uncomfortable with kindness and care, it can actually be very bonding!
Being intentional about your transition times, and making a choice to purposefully carve out time in your day to put attention on your relaitonship, will bring you and your partner together more effectively and intimately. The more that you do this, the easier it will become, and the more empowered you will feel. Empowerment is the natural result of evolving from feeling things are just “too busy” to feeling you can focus your attention and create appealing results in your relationship.
I want more emotional and sensual intimacy for all couples, including you. Let me help you create the deliciousness & joy of a growth-oriented, passionate relationship.
In the meantime, if you want to know more about how to stoke the passion in your relationship, read my book Uncompromising Intimacy.
And learn about Intimacy Coaching in long term relationships here.
Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Known as “The Intimacy Doctor,” Dr. Alexandra Stockwell is an Intimate Marriage Expert who specializes in coaching couples to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships.
For over 20 years, Dr. Alexandra has shown men and women how to bring pleasure and purpose into all aspects of life, from the daily grind of running a household to intimate communication and ecstatic experiences in the bedroom.
A wife of twenty-six years and a mother of four, Alexandra firmly believes the key to passion and fulfillment isn’t compromise ‒ it’s being unwilling to compromise. When both partners feel free to be themselves, their relationship becomes juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying.
Dr. Alexandra is the bestselling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy” and host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast.
