Written by: Kathryn Cluff, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Our external relationships are reflections of the relationship we have with ourselves. It can also be said that how we perceive ourselves is a reflection of how we think others see us.
I have been curious about the distinction between self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-love. Since there are slightly different takes among mental health professionals, I will provide definitions for each to offer clarity for this article.
Self-esteem is a determination of worth and can vary based on life circumstances. For example, when we experience a loss or an unpleasant life event, self-esteem can take a dive (i.e., illness, job loss, divorce). If we equip ourselves with healthy self-esteem prior to illness, job loss, divorce, or making a mistake, we bounce back. Lack of self-esteem leaves us facing life’s challenges with its nemesis – self-criticism. With balanced self-esteem, we are prepared to experience life as it comes without taking anything personally.
Next up is self-acceptance. Through this lens, we see ourselves completely with shortcomings and assets together, embracing ourselves as an imperfect whole. We recognize our flaws and mistakes and acknowledge our gifts. Our past weaves together into the beautiful tapestry of our current self including light and dark sides, warts and all. With self-acceptance, we forgive ourselves easily and release judgment. It becomes easier to be seen and to be vulnerable through complete authenticity. We are no longer concerned about what others might think of us, finding comfort in our own skin. This acceptance is unconditional, giving us the space and freedom to experience deeper intimacy with ourselves and others. The lack of self-acceptance leaves us vulnerable to others’ opinions of us. It lands us in the realm of comparison and feelings of not being enough.
Our last definition to cover is that of self-love. Self-love is a healthy and essential practice, combining feeling and action. It is not a symptom of a large ego. In fact, egotism is a sign of not loving oneself. Unfortunately, most of us err on the side of thinking too little of ourselves. This mindset can land us in relationships we hope will ease or eliminate feelings of shame, loneliness, and disconnection. Self-love is a practice because it is developed and maintained through intention and effort. We practice it by treating ourselves like dear friends. We listen, forgive, seek understanding, and show compassion. We care for our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual beings. We set boundaries with how we allow others to treat us. In his book The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm states, “Loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself. In order to be able to truly love another person, one needs first to love oneself in this way.”
The path to self-love is paved with unconditional self-acceptance and healthy self-esteem. If you speak poorly about yourself, ignore your feelings or needs, self-sabotage, or doubt and judge yourself, there is a better way to live. You are enough and the world needs you as your amazing, authentic self. The opportunity to learn self-love is available to everyone all the time. Author Brene’ Brown has said that lasting, meaningful change only happens with self-acceptance and that is a great place to start learning the essential art of self-love.
Kathryn Cluff, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Kathryn Cluff is a gifted holistic healer and empowering life-transformation guide for women. She is the solopreneur of Soul Roots, LLC, based in the sacred Black Hills and serves clients virtually throughout the world.
At the age of 30, she became a widow and single mother of four children under the age of 8. Kathryn struggled for years with anxiety, and at one point considered suicide. It was nearly 20 years later when she reached that pivotal, rock-bottom point and made the decision to begin her journey of healing, self-love, and empowered living.
Kathryn’s signature Habits that Heal Hearts & Empower Women Program combines holistic arts and research-based practices, moving progressively through a process that equips women with powerful rituals proven to bring physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance. It is based on her own life-changing journey, personal practices, training in multiple styles of healing yoga and meditation, and as a Reiki practitioner. She is passionate about teaching as many women as possible how to heal themselves by calming the nervous system and reprogramming their inner dialogue from self-judgment to self-compassion and self-love.
Kathryn is committed to helping women live in harmony with the joys and the challenges of life—healing trauma, building confidence, establishing clarity, and creating the life and relationships desired. She offers a complimentary discovery session to stoke the fires of inspiration and open the heart and mind to the incredible possibilities awaiting.
