Written by: Joe Nabrotzky, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was shocked by my daughter's response to our experiment...An experiment that taught her more than any words we could have preached.
Here are two simple experiential learning activities you can do with your kids, along with practical tips to improve diversity, inclusion, and belonging from the boardroom to your family room.
As an HR leader and leadership coach, I've been helping business leaders to focus on diversity, inclusion, and belonging for years. However, as my wife and I wrestled with how to better lead this topic in our home, I realized I was not yet equipped to properly communicate. So, I stopped talking and focused on listening.
Listening with empathy to those who could help us understand for ourselves and then shape the right message and drive the right culture in order to do better and be better.
With the hope of helping other leaders in the home who want to do something, but aren't sure where to start, I’ll share two simple experiences that taught our children more than any words we could have preached.
Summary of the Core Principles:
Unless you deliberately and consciously include those who are underrepresented, you will unconsciously exclude them.
To improve diversity and inclusion in your culture, think in terms of equity FOR equality.
Experiment No1. The Cards You Were Delt
“We’re doing chores differently today,” we told our kids, ages four to 14.
On the table sat four bags.
In order to receive a bag, my wife, Brittany, allowed each child to select from a deck of playing cards.
Those who pulled out a card with a black suit received one bag and those who pulled out a red card received another bag.
Two of the bags were full of all sorts of candies and a new set of bright-colored markers.
The other two bags, which happened to go to my two oldest – also known as “the bigs”, had a list of several chores.
We then told those doing chores that if they complained, they would get an extra load of laundry on top of their already long list of household tasks.
“This isn’t FAIR!” my 12-year-old daughter finally cried out, after doing the dishes while watching her siblings laugh and play at the table.
“That’s another load of laundry, young lady,” my wife responded ‒‒ in full Hollywood-actress mode. "I told you not to talk back or complain."
And each time they were not doing their chore fast enough or without complaint, we added a load.
When the two littles at the table spilled water, we asked the bigs doing the chores to clean it up.
After a while longer, my chore-churning daughter was in complete tears.
She was angry. Frustrated. Disappointed. Hurt.
Admittedly, it was hard for my wife and me to keep the experiment going.
We knew it was unfair. Leading in that way went against the very culture we’ve been trying to build. Instead of listening, we shut her down anytime she tried to share her views or express concerns. To make it worse, we punished her for even trying to speak.
But my heart was further crushed when I heard my sweet 4-year-old little girl unknowingly join in the discriminatory behavior by turning to her older sister and with a smile saying, “Give her more loads of laundry, dad.”
Finally, Brittany abolished the initial plan and admitted that the way we divided up the bags just based on the cards they were dealt wasn’t right.
So, she invited the bigs a seat at the table.
My oldest daughter was still trying to control tears that were streaming down her face, but not wanting more punishment, she sat down in silence.
“You all now have 5 minutes to win a big prize.” Brittany continued, “I have a job and I’ll hire one of you for it. The job is to create the most beautiful, vibrant picture you can. The judging criteria will be who uses the most vibrant colors. Ready? Go!”
The littles immediately started coloring.
But when the bigs reached across to grab one of the new markers, we told them that was the prize for the littles, and they must use their own tools. We brought back a couple of dull colored pencils, and they began to frantically color.
With one minute left, I noticed milk was left out and asked that same daughter in tears to put it away.
In disbelief, she was shocked that I would keep seeing her as the girl who had to do the chores. After all, she now had a seat at the table.
When the time was up, we looked at the different creations.
The two littles had vibrant colors that only markers could make, and met the criteria perfectly, but the big’s pictures lacked the same vibrancy.
At her breaking point, my oldest daughter once again exclaimed,
“This isn’t fair! I didn’t have the right tools.”
Still in character, I responded, “You should be happy just to have a seat at the table. Do you want to go back to doing chores? I wasn’t ready for you to even come to the table, but mom insisted.”
Finally, we realized they had enough, as did we, and we let them in on the experiment.
Relieved, yet still shook up, they all gathered in the family room to talk about it.
After exploring how each felt, my wife shared that in life, each person has circumstances based on the cards they were dealt.
In America’s history, there was an ugly time when just because of the color of their skin, some people were taken from their homes and families and treated literally as slaves.
Punished when they complained or tried to have their voices heard, with their load getting heavier and heavier. Treated as property instead of people.
Light bulbs went off in my oldest daughter's eyes as she was able to empathize, albeit to the smallest degree and with no physical harm, with what black girls her same age had faced.
We went on to liken the time when slavery was abolished, and they were given "a seat at the table." But some others were still not ready to truly accept them in those new roles, to see them in that new way.
Sadly, some still aren’t.
We shared about white privilege and what that did to the two littles, who although they are as sweet as can be, when in that culture that allowed us to speak to and treat those doing chores differently, they also followed in ignorance.
Luckily, just as my sweet four-year-old had some troubling, privileged-related actions, she also was the one who ran up to her big sister and gave her a hug the first time she started crying.
Brittany continued, “But even when McKinley (the youngest) gave you a hug and showed empathy, notice how she went right back to the table with treats and coloring.
It’s not enough to just empathize and love others, though that’s a start and is important, but you must also always stand up for the change we want to see in the world.”
Knowing the power of empathy, four years ago we decided to move from America to the French-speaking part of Switzerland. We turned down putting our kids in an international English-speaking school to be a part of the community and learn with the locals.
For the first six months, my kids went to a school where they couldn’t speak to anyone, where kids would throw garbage on their desks and yell, “you’re garbage; go back to where you came from.” All because my kids were different.
As tough as it was to watch them go through this, we knew these experiences would also mean they would be able to relate to those who felt like they don’t belong, to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those who need comforting, and give a voice to the voiceless.
But even though they discovered prejudices first-hand, they never experienced oppression.
They weren’t scared for their safety as they walked in our neighborhood, or feared those who were trusted to protect them would use that authority to oppress.
So like I’m learning myself, we’re teaching them to ask questions to those who have, and then listen with soulful curiosity and compassion.
To seek to understand why it’s so important to join in believing, “Black Lives Matter!”
By saying, “black lives matter,” that’s not saying ONLY black lives matter.
I believe black people know ALL lives matter.
But it’s important to raise awareness that they need help as black lives are in danger. They’ve been oppressed. What is happening to them is wrong. They are asking for help.
Similarly, if one of my kids fell down and scraped her knee, I would rush to take care of that knee.
At that moment, that skinned-up knee needs my attention more than the knees of my other kids.
My other children wouldn’t even think twice to talk about their knees also, since their knees aren’t the ones bleeding.
What’s been happening in our world today is that one of our brother’s knees isn’t just bleeding, but his life has been taken, and taken by the hands of another brother.
So, of course we should be shouting that his knee, his life, matters!
If we want different results, and we definitely do with belonging, we must start by creating experiences for others that help them form new beliefs.
Beliefs that then trigger emotions, which fuel actions, which produce results.
It all starts with beliefs, and beliefs are best built in our homes.
Experiment No 2. The Microphone
For the second experience, I set up a microphone on a tall stand and stated their goal was to have their voice heard.
The microphone was set to my height. I’m six feet tall or 1.8 meters.
Because they are all shorter, none of them could have their voice heard since they weren’t tall enough to speak into the microphone.
So, I brought out 4 different blocks - boxes they could step on.
If I was trying to treat them equal, equality would say I give each child ONE block to stand on.
I have four blocks and there are four children, so each gets an equal amount, it’s balanced.
That’s fair; equal, right?
I define equality by ensuring that everyone has the same opportunities and receives the same treatment and support.
But before we can get equality, we need equity, and equity is different.
Equity is giving people what they need in order to make things more equal.
When I’m focusing on equity, it could mean giving more to those who need it and less to those who don’t.
Equity says that since my four-year-old still couldn’t reach the mic with one block, she gets THREE.
And my 14-year-old only gets ONE block, since that’s all he needs to reach the mic.
And me, I don’t get any blocks, because I don’t need them. I can already reach the mic without a block.
Some people, especially those in any form of under-privilege or underrepresentation, may need more blocks in order to have an equal opportunity to be heard at the mic.
But you may say, “That’s not fair. Why should one person get 3 blocks, and another get none? That’s not equal.”
I believe equity is not only fair, but essential.
Stop to remember the goal.
The goal is to ensure people are not treated less favorably than others; that each person has an equal opportunity to make the most of their lives and talents.
Equality achieves fairness through treating everyone the same regardless of need, while equity achieves fairness through treating people differently dependent on need.
To improve diversity, inclusion, and belonging in your culture, think in terms of equity FOR equality.
Another important concept is to realize that in every culture, there are those that are in the majority or overrepresented and those that are in the minority or underrepresented.
If you have a team of 10 people and 7 are men, the majority is men and minority is women, or anyone along the gender-fluid continuum.
With that same group of 10 people, there are numerous ways to slice the diversity pie.
You could slice it by the countries they grew up in with the different cultures and experiences that shaped them.
Maybe by their race or ethnicity. In one group, the underrepresented may be black, and for another group, black may be overrepresented.
You could slice the diversity pie by their personality preferences, and maybe the majority in a group are those who prefer extroversion over introversion.
If you want a more diverse culture, a great start is to increase the number of those who are underrepresented, slicing the diversity pie in many different ways.
But why should you care about knowing if you are in the minority or majority?
I want you to think about the last meeting you were in where you could see the faces of at least 5 other people.
Really, take time now to close your eyes and picture the people in that room.
How many were female?
How many were black?
How many were Hispanic?
Now, if you were in the majority of the people in that room, you probably had no idea until I asked you those questions.
However, if you were in the underrepresented, chances are you probably already knew the answer the second you stepped through the door.
If you asked me how many people were white in my last meeting, I couldn’t tell you. I never even noticed. Because I am white and the majority in that room was white.
But when I lived in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon jungle for a few years, where I was the only white person I’d see for months, within seconds of being in any room I knew exactly how many other white people were in the room. I noticed it because I was almost always in the underrepresented.
Though there's nothing wrong with noticing the differences we all bring, the problem comes in that we naturally gravitate and trust whatever is most similar to us. So, unless you become aware, you will naturally surround yourself with more of what is similar to you and less of what is not.
Which means the majority keeps getting larger and minority or underrepresented smaller.
This is why, similar to how Stephen Frost puts it, "Unless you consciously include, you will unconsciously exclude."
Unless you deliberately and consciously include those who are underrepresented, you will unconsciously exclude them.
Now that you know the principles. Here are a few tips to apply.
Whenever you are in the overrepresented, don’t think you fully know or understand how the underrepresented are feeling or thinking. Instead, ask them. Then listen.
I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be a black man in America, or to be a woman in an Engineering company full of men, or a gay man in a church full of husbands and wives...So, I need to give the mic to them and listen.
To learn.
To empathize.
To seek to understand versus being understood.
And some of those underrepresented may need more blocks to reach the mic.
For example, if your company has a majority of men, you need to figure out which blocks can get more females to the mic.
Maybe you give an extra block by requiring all positions to have at least one female candidate on the interview slate.
Maybe you ensure that more females are part of the interview panel.
For sure you train all your managers on unconscious biases.
Maybe you give two blocks to some by investing in mentoring, sponsorship, scholarships, or STEM progress to get more early-career female talent into the talent pool.
Now I realize some of you may still be thinking, “But that’s not fair. Why are you giving them more blocks than me…Shouldn’t it be equal?”
Remember, to improve diversity, inclusion, and belonging in your culture, think in terms of equity FOR equality.
And then join hands with your brothers and sisters whose knees need our attention and care, and let’s lead this change together.
Credit to Sarah Lyman by way of Jody Moore for sparking the microphone/block example and Stephen Frost who said, “Unless you consciously include, you will unconsciously exclude…Diversity is a reality — Inclusion is a choice.”
About the Author:
Joe Nabrotzky is the Co-founder and Managing Partner of Global Leader Group, a leadership firm that helps organizations FIND & BUILD leaders.
His purpose is to inspire people to live and lead more deliberately from the boardroom to the family room. After struggling and then growing a profitable business of his own, he dedicated the rest of his career to becoming the Leadership Guide/HR Business Partner he wished he had as a former CEO and desperately needed as an entrepreneur, manager, and dad.
Through an MBA and multiple HR/OD/Leadership certifications, combined with a decade as an HR Executive in a successful fortune 100 company, he’s proven how to build leaders internally or find and hire them externally.
Mr. Nabrotzky has led people in every major region and lived all over the world, including a few years speaking only Portuguese in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon rainforest and recently returned to Utah with his wife of 18 years and four children, after five years living off lake Geneva in Switzerland.
Global Leader Group, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Global Leader Group is a leadership firm of proven practitioners who share a deep-rooted desire to make a difference by helping organizations FIND & BUILD leaders to deliver excellence. They do that through three main pillars:
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