Written by: Carole L. Sanek, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Food and eating attaches itself to so many of our life’s experiences. Think about the times you were so excited about doing something you could not eat. Reverse that and think about the times your heart was shattered and your appetite was shattered also.
Recently I shared this CS Lewis quote in an online post:
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
A friend I know well disputed the meaning in this quote which gave me the green light to see if I could find out why Lewis wrote it.
literature.stackexchange.com gave me the answer. He did write it, and he wrote it for a friend who was lying in a hospital possibly dying. The irony of his words is that the friend lived 12 more years, and Lewis, himself, died 5 months later.
I do not believe in coincidence, I do believe I find things that matter to me, that shows me the way, that flip the light switch on in my head at exactly the right time.
I have been having a dismal relationship with food since the night my husband had his stroke right after dinner. Dinner was part of our love story. We prepped it together most evenings.
There was always a good wine to share, music would play, and sometimes we would dance.
That all ended almost 3 years ago and so did my passion for cooking. It took me months to cook again, and when I did, I cooked to eat.
I have no problem eating when I go out with a friend. I have no problem eating when I bring takeout food home. My problems lie with a sliver of PTSD that remains which is attached to the two of us cooking together. Our meals were always a date night and prepared with fun and love.
As Christmas approached, I shared the stories of the two previous Christmas day dinners that went wrong.
The first year I prepared a prime rib roast, I sat down to eat and the tears just flowed and the roast went into the trash bin.
The second year I tried again, this time with a thick rib-eye steak. I seared it in a cast iron pan and put it in the oven and I am amazed the fire department didn’t arrive with the shrieking of the smoke detectors and the smoke pouring out from my open doors and windows. I ate three bites.
This year I was certain I could celebrate with a dinner I had made many times for the two of us. I was wrong. I sat down, took those same 3 bites and into the trash bin it went.
I was on the verge of depression because I had handled the season this year so well, I was so disappointed when I was wrong for the third time.
There is that saying “three times and you are out” and as I write I am declaring my independence from ever having this happen again.
The day after Christmas I needed to change my timeline cover and I found the one I had designed a while back with that CS Lewis quote and after a discussion on his words I woke to understanding just what I had been doing and why it wouldn’t ever work.
I was following the definition of insanity quote which Einstein did not say, although many people assume he did. I was doing the same thing for the past three years expecting a different outcome.
It hit me and I was relieved because now I knew I could move forward next year with a new plan and it is a plan that contains the words “I will never eat another Christmas day dinner alone.” Period. Full stop.
Food and eating change when we grieve. There are many articles about this online. I lost weight, some people go the opposite way and gain weight. I have to remind myself to eat healthy foods, I would rather have potato chips.
What I was doing was holding onto my tradition hoping all would be okay again, and the truth is it won’t be okay until I move forward with change.
The lesson in this is accepting the differences in the here and now and not holding onto the past. In the past when I would wake, Larry would pour a cup of coffee for me and hand it to me as we talked about everything we were celebrating on Christmas. This year that memory had me in a flood of tears.
I made my decision. I will never eat alone on Christmas day ever again, I have options and let me take that one step further; I will never pour a cup of coffee for myself on that day, someone else will pour it for me. I have options, and one option is waking in a hotel and heading down to breakfast where there will be other people, some like me, alone but not really alone.
I highly recommend that if you struggle with food and eating-related to grief, do your research. There are excellent articles online. You are not the only one with this struggle. You can always reach out to me too; I am a helper by choice and here to help when I can. I promise.
Carole Sanek, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Carole L. Sanek is a certified life coach specializing in personal coaching, with her specialty being working in grief. Carole is also an author, and her first book “Fractured” is with a publishing house in Chicago, scheduled to launch by the end of the year. Carole is especially excited that even though she was diagnosed 27 years ago with breast cancer, she wiped that slate clean and thrived on in her life. Reaching Carole is easy as she believes in transparency and authenticity and welcomes people to reach out to her.
