Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all have our addictions. Some obvious addictions are drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex. Others may be less obvious, like working too much. That’s me. Maybe it’s you too. This article is written for those who work long hours, are restless, and often sense they are missing out.
My workaholic days stem back to my late teens as a college student where I would find as many ways as possible to make money that would fit into my schedule. Selling Tupperware (yes, I am that old), tote maiding, pharmacy interning, and baby sitting were all jobs I juggled simultaneously while studying.
Later as I qualified as a pharmacist, I worked long and extra hours as much as possible. Making money meant more opportunity to travel and having the things we want in life. Interlaced in there, I found a string of hobbies that went from sewing to flower arranging and more. Anything that I could shout look what I did! Long work hours and hobbies gave me bragging rights. My friends and family would often say, “I don’t know how you have time to do all this.” This always made me feel accomplished.
There was a point years later that I applied some self-reflection on why I did this. Why do you think? It largely came down to external validation. That made me feel sad.
Overachieving and self worth
My process of self-discovery found constant overachieving was a way to prove worth to myself and others. I was either showing up or showing off my labors of creativity. When I realized what I was doing subconsciously and the reality of my behavior, I decided there were better ways to find validation and they started with you guessed it: me.
When you seek external validation or constant over achievement you can find yourself doing two things.
One is giving away your power. When you wait for others to validate your effort then you effectively view your self-worth as a reflection of what others notice. And they don’t always notice.
The second is you fail to feed your own self-worth. Feeding your own self-worth gives you the power. The power of feeling satisfied with yourself. The power of being response able and the power to not rely on other people’s opinions to feed your happiness.
Overachieving as a breadwinner
In my forties and beyond, overachieving was still a big part of my being but not in the same way it was in my twenties. As the family breadwinner, making as much money as possible was always on my radar. In these years as an entrepreneur with a plethora of skills and interests I found it hard to say no to most anything that came my way. This led to working excess hours and constant searching for new opportunities.
Even in a paid job role, many people find working excess hours to be a problem. Your job provides security for your family’s needs, and you do whatever you can to ensure that your livelihood is not put at risk. The continual stretching of boundaries can result in sixty plus hour weeks or the need to be ‘on’ when you are meant to be ‘off’.
Overachievement does not mean high achievement. Perhaps you know someone in your life who is a diligent worker, seems happy and upbeat, provides well for their family, and effortlessly has time for non-work pursuits. It’s likely this person is a high achiever. Meanwhile you, the overachiever, find yourself glued to your phone, mentally preoccupied with ongoing projects and silently struggling with a sense that you are missing out on the broader aspects of life.
High achiever vs. Over achiever
The high achiever sets goals and works diligently toward achieving them. They push through challenges with resilience, and they know when to stop for the day. They understand their areas of strength and where they need support and continuously work to hone their craft.
The overachiever continually pushes themselves saying yes to more than they need to. This can often be at the expense of relationships and even their own well-being. Before I became a self-care advocate, I used to often cite “You can sleep plenty when you are dead”. Overachievers can be highly ambitious but at the risk of life satisfaction and well-being. They don’t know when to stop. Work hours bleed into family time and reduce the quality of relationships that exist outside their work.
The struggle with overachieving is the silent message you send to your loved ones is they aren’t as important as the work you do. The justification is that by being a provider for the family, you need to keep working so that the family can have what they need and all the comforts they deserve. Asking kids when they are young what they would prefer – time with you or a toy, most would say time with you. When kids get older, you need to show them you want to spend time with them by making opportunities to connect. Failure to do this sends a silent message that they aren’t important.
Finding the balance
Permission goes a long way to helping you find the right integration for work and life. The reality is the boundaries for work get blurry as email, messaging, CRMs, and more are all too accessible every hour of the day or night. In addition, the constant buzz of watches and phones can keep you on alert, just in case that potentially important email comes through that may need your immediate attention.
So, what do you do?
Set realistic time frames for self-care, family time, work, and leisure, ideally in that order of priority. Remember it’s all about quality not quantity. You are better off having one hour of quality time than three hours of fragmented time and attention.
Prioritizing self-care means getting sufficient sleep, having adequate time to enjoy quality food, making time for your health, fitness and medical checks and can include hobbies that spark your creative genius. For me making time for my own health means I show up better in the work I do, and as a parent and partner.
Understand your self-worth is not tied up in your achievements. It is tied up in who you are as a human, how you connect with yourself, and how you show up in your relationships. Wanting, needing or being?
Condense down the time you need to perform some work-based tasks – Parkinson’s law states that work expands to fill the time set aside for its completion. If you have a deadline on Friday, bring it up to Wednesday – this can help your focus and reduce the stress of doing things at the last minute.
Get better at asking for support from others. As a mom of three and family breadwinner I thought I could do it all and found myself quietly harboring resentment in a passive-aggressive way. Learning to ask for help when I needed it made building stronger and more trusting relationships possible. This goes for at work and at home.
Set boundaries for when you will and won’t work and communicate this clearly with your family and workplace. When you intentionally create quality time with your family then they will see how much you truly value them.
Create some non-negotiables. These can help you to sign a letter of commitment to yourself. Non-negotiables can include weekly commitments such as exercising a minimum of 150 minutes, having a date night, do not disturb work time, or making time for your own learning and development.
Gain a better sense of who you are and move from being an overachiever to a high achiever. This means getting serious with yourself and letting go of stories that keep you addicted to the struggle of overachievement. As an overachiever, you will never gain a true sense of fulfillment. If you aren’t sure where to start, then take some time to reflect on this question: What do I get from being an overachiever? Want time to explore this out loud? Book a free discovery call with me.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
