Written by: Felice Mathieu, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
So, you’re looking for some marriage help, right? And, maybe all you’ve heard most of your life is something like, “Spouses who need help with their marriage should get seen by a marriage counselor.”
Is that true? Yes.
Could booking sessions with marriage coaches be just as beneficial, if not more beneficial? Absolutely!
How? And what does a marriage coach do?
What are the goals of Christian marriage coaching?
What is the difference between marriage coaching and counseling?
Why coaching and not counseling?
What are the cons of marriage counseling?
Those are great questions, and I will cover them in this article.
FYI, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I'm writing as someone who has 'coached' marriages since the age of 13. (more on that later)
And, I am on the ‘marriage therapist side’.
We are now in March of 2023. And, praise God! Come October of this year. I will have graduated with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.
I want you to really pay attention to this next sentence. Even after I receive my degree (which is one step closer to becoming a licensed M.F.T. ), I will still ask to be referred to as a marriage coach rather than a marriage counselor or therapist.
I'll explain why at the end of this article.
Before we compare the similarities and differences between Christian marriage counseling and Christian marriage coaching, I’d like to share my biography.
Why do I want to share my biography? Well, I personally believe that “people don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care.”
There is no place online where you can see me go into such detail about my story. If you’d rather skip the bio, skip ahead to the heading: “ What is marriage counseling?”
My Story
My mother died of HIV when I was 12. I remember being in school, learning about HIV, and then coming home every day and seeing the signs introduce themselves to me physically as I greeted my mother. In the year leading up to her death, I saw many of those signs.
The last symptom I recall seeing on my mother was an enlarged 'lump' on her neck.
Fast forward.
It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I remember walking into the hospital room with my stepfather and seeing my mother lying on the hospital bed.
We saw her before she saw us. She eventually saw us, and then, in the very same instant, she started gasping for air. She was struggling to breathe. The machine that my mother was attached to started beeping loudly and frantically.
Nurses rushed in. Then doctors rushed in. And they all pushed us out of the room. The next time I would see my mother would be when the casket was open, at her funeral.
Carlo went to Haiti a few days after my mother died. He went to “investigate” her “murder.” He believed that someone put voodoo on my mother to kill her. As a kid, I thought to myself, “Call it voodoo or call it HIV; the point is, my mother is dead.”
Fast forward.
It was a very hot summer in my hometown of Immokalee, Florida. Edgerrin James and the Indian casino are well-known in this small town. Edgerrin James was the former running back for Peyton Manning and the Indiana Colts.
Carlo had been in Haiti for a little over a month.
My "grandma" took my hand and led me out of the room where I was playing on the PlayStation. She sat on a pretty wooden living room chair, sitting across from me. I, on the other hand, sat on the hot, plastic-covered couch. My Haitians, especially, (Sak Pase’) will know those couches well. They were the kind of couches that became so hot when you sat on them that they stuck to your body as you tried to get away. They clung so tenaciously to your hot skin that you had to physically separate the couch's plastic from it.
Ah. The good ol' days.
She sat across from me, looked me in the eye, and then told me that my stepfather had been murdered. His ex-wife hired men to beat him up. Those men then tied him up to a truck and dragged his body to death around a small village in Haiti.
I remember hearing that and being in complete denial. Typical of us humans, right?
“He’ll come back eventually. They got the story wrong.”
I was 12 when I received that story. I am 38 now, and although I still have some hope, the story was wrong.
“At least, I have my granduncle,” I thought. My granduncle was the brother of my mother's father. I loved Impremier Mathieu. He was hot-tempered, stubborn, prideful, and very intelligent. My mother loved him very much. From what I am told from “grandma,” Impremier saved my mother (the oldest of 5) and her siblings from the many, many woes of Haiti.
“Grandma” really respected him.
I recall seeing her prepare Bouyon, one of Impremier's favorite Haitian dishes. She prepared it, then brought it to him in the nursing home. The bowl of the bouyon was huge. By that time, Impremier was senile and barely knew his own name. Marie (Grandma) fed him every last drop of that soup.
Grandma was a lady that took me in when Impremier died in the nursing home of complications related to Diabetes. Within a year I became an orphan. The last blood relative that I physically and personally knew died of Diabetes.
Grandma was a lady that my mother called ‘mom’. Mercilia Jean Louis (some called her Marie) was who God left me in the hands of. She did her best and I couldn’t have been in better hands.
At age 13… I became obsessed with relationships. More specifically, I became obsessed with marriage. I needed to end the loneliness I felt, knowing that no one I knew or possibly would ever know shared my DNA.
I wanted marriage. I wanted 6 kids. ( a starting 5 and one off the bench) I wanted one woman to fall in love with, until my last breath.
Young Felice thought to himself, “ I need to understand why some marriages end. And I need to understand why some marriages last a long time.”
When I got married, that was it. There would be no divorce. Divorce felt synonymous with death to me. I need to save my bloodline.
Not every child will have to deal with the deaths I had to deal with at an early age. However, there is another 'D' word that is wreaking havoc on marriages. That ‘D’ word you might have guessed is divorce. God used my wife’s (at the time she was my girlfriend) father to lead me to Christ.
That was the first time I had ever heard someone answer religious questions with Scripture. And he did this without opening the Bible. It was straight from his memory! Incredible.
In Christianity, marriage is a holy institution, but, of course, that holy institution is made up of sinners saved by Grace. Sinners…in that institution…will have relationship problems because of the inherent sin in all of humanity.
Don’t kill the messenger, I’m just a ‘radio’ sharing truths from the Scriptures. You can call the ‘problems’ in your relationship whatever you like, but, let’s at least agree that those problems need solutions.
Many married people have problems and will have problems. (whether you believe in God or not) Both Christian marriage counseling and Christian marriage coaching try to solve problems that are thought to be caused by people's sinful nature by using Bible truths. Both approaches root their ‘method’ or ‘approach’ in the Bible. That is extremely important for a Christian.
What is marriage counseling?
Christian marriage counseling uses scientific and systematic methods to help the couple figure out where the problems are coming from as a whole. Christian marriage counselors are licensed therapists who work with couples from the perspective of a Jesus-centered worldview.
They use several methods to help couples figure out and deal with real difficulties. Some of these methods are one-on-one treatment, group therapy, and behavioral therapy. Christian marriage counseling is based on the Bible and aims to help couples become more aware of how their beliefs and actions differ from what the Bible teaches.
On the other hand, Christian marriage coaching offers a more direct way of making a couple's relationship better. Christian marriage coaches are not professional therapists. In other words, they are not licensed, cannot bill their 'patients' through Medicaid, and cannot open their own private practice offering counseling services.
Christian marriage counselors and Christian marriage coaches often have the same set of skills, what separates them, is how they focus their skills.
Marriage counselors focus a lot on the past in order to determine problems their patients will have as a whole.
Marriage coaches, on the other hand, tend to focus more on the present and offer a set of specialized skills they hope to pass on to their clients, who seek to develop those exact skills to better their relationships. Marriage coaches help couples make goals, figure out problems, and come up with ways to deal with them.
For example, if you want to lose weight, and are planning to try a specific diet or training regimen, it would be wise to see your doctor. The doctor in that situation would be compared to the marriage counselor.
Have you ever noticed how your doctor asks questions about the past, leading into your present? It’s the same thing that a marriage counselor does, no?
To continue the example about losing weight, let’s say that after you see the doctor, you are cleared to work out. What type of body are you looking for? Do you want to be lean and trim with a low body fat percentage?
Or, are you looking to get strong and bulky? Are you weight training to recover from an injury? Or, as an athlete, are you weight training for your specific sport?
That’s when a physical fitness coach would come in. Just like a physical fitness coach, a marriage coach would teach couples very specific skills, based on their problems and desired outcomes for their goals.
As a Christian marriage coach, I help spouses develop effective communication skills so that they can talk to each other fairly and respectfully.
Does Christian Marriage Counseling or Marriage Coaching work?
Does a certain weight loss diet work? Does a certain workout regimen work? Those are challenging questions to answer, right? There are too many variables to consider. At the end of the day, whether you see a marriage counselor or a marriage coach, it is up to you, as the individual or the couple, to do the work that the expert suggests.
A counselor or a coach is just there to help with the ‘workload’.
Christian Marriage Counseling & Christian Marriage Coaching – My Preference
I think there are many reasons why someone should see a marriage counselor. If you or your spouse has a problem with addiction. See a counselor.
If you or your spouse have any history of mental disorders making it difficult to live a normal life…see a counselor. I can come up with quite a few more reasons, but, you get the point.
When should you consider a coach? You should consider a coach when you want to develop a specific skill. Maybe you are seeking help with finances. Consider getting a marriage coach that specializes in finance.
The advantage of hiring a coach in this situation is that you will receive more focused and efficient solutions that you can put to use almost immediately. Often, in order for a counselor to be highly effective, you must commit for a longer period of time. The effects of a counselor wouldn’t be seen immediately.
I chose to be a Christian marriage coach in order to deeply and specifically help spouses address the most important issue that is causing division in God’s heavenly union.
I am at your service. Let us share the Gospel with the world by demonstrating how spouses who submit to God love each other as husband and wife. Let’s humbly serve each and support each other.
By following me, you'll gain access to valuable resources and strategies that can help you:
Enhance your communication skills and resolve conflicts peacefully
Deepen your spiritual connection as a couple
Build trust and intimacy in your relationship
Strengthen your commitment to each other and to God
If you're ready to transform your marriage and experience the joy and fulfillment that God intends for you, then don't hesitate to follow me below.
Felice Mathieu, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Felice Mathieu is a seasoned Christian marriage and family coach with over 25 years of experience of coaching couples. He holds a B.A. in Christian Counseling Psychology and a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, making him an expert in the field. Felice, together with his wife Retta, founded Married As One LLC, a ministry committed to providing biblical coaching services to couples. Through Married As One LLC, Felice and Retta helps couples learn critical biblical skills that inspire better communication and foster stronger relationships. Contact Felice today for effective Christian marriage coaching that helps spouses communicate fairly and respectfully.
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