Written by Melina Rodriguez, Therapist & Coach
Melina Rodriguez, a mental health therapist and coach, specializes in anxiety, relationships, trauma, and self-development. Using mindfulness and parts work, she guides clients to discover their authentic path, fostering positive transformations for a fulfilling life.
Where does the toxic cycle start? We can analyze a relationship and identify the unique patterns shaped by each partner’s personal history and perceptions. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment Theory help us break down these patterns so that we can observe them from a more objective perspective. We start to recognize the triggers, emotions, reactions, and actions that form the cycle. But where does this chain reaction truly begin? Is it with each argument? Each day? Each topic? Does it trace back to the very first unresolved conflict? Could it be rooted in what we’ve learned from past relationships, even as far back as those with our parents and their parents before them?
If so, does finding the exact origin even matter? Often, the search for where it began becomes more about assigning blame than finding solutions. A better focus is on why to end the cycle.
Before the how, let’s talk about the why
The impact of toxic relationships is far-reaching. It affects almost every part of our lives: time management, work, productivity, and more severe concerns like physical and mental health. The level of toxicity can even determine how serious these effects are. By the end of a toxic relationship, you’ve likely gone from love to a foggy confusion filled with pain and despair. How did we get here? How did we get here?
When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, that’s when we know it’s time to make a different choice. If you’re no longer in love, the transition might seem easier unless manipulation or abuse is involved. If those factors exist, reach out to a domestic violence hotline as soon as it’s safe to do so.
If you are still in love but can see the damage being done, the only way to move forward is to choose long-term wellness for both parties.
Toxic relationships and why they happen
Toxic relationships don’t happen between two healthy individuals. They happen between people who are deeply wounded, have unresolved trauma, or who were never taught healthier ways to love. It’s often said, and I believe, that relationships reflect our deepest wounds, areas for potential growth, and sometimes past mistakes that we’re meant to learn from. This is often why we forgive repeated offenses and tolerate more than we ever imagined we would. Empathy, recognizing our own soul in another, and the shared human experience keep us stuck in this pattern.
But at some point, by continuing the cycle, we suppress our needs for boundaries, respect, and authenticity to maintain a connection that stifles growth. We deny our true selves for the sake of the relationship. Over time, these compromises poison the air that once breathed life into the relationship.
Eventually, when both partners are suffocating, gasping for air, there are two choices: let go or continue to become versions of yourself that you no longer recognize. You may have an “aha” moment of clarity when you realize you’ve had enough. You might realize that the other person will never change or that your needs are not too much. You might choose yourself for the first time, or you might say, “I love you, and that’s why I have to walk away.”
I never fully understood the phrase, “If you love someone, set them free,” until I saw the pain in my partner’s eyes, the anger, desperation, old trauma, and fear. At that moment, I saw myself in a new light, and I knew I had to forgive myself in order to forgive him. I had to love myself in order to love anyone. I realized I had to love him from afar so that we both could heal. I saw our shared pain, our difficult upbringings, and the scars from feeling unworthy of love. I understood then that letting go was our only chance at happiness. Holding on meant survival, but we deserved more than just surviving. We’d endured too much pain, pain that traced back through generations. It had to end with us.
While we may not have honored each other in the healthiest ways during the relationship, we could honor each other by letting go. By acknowledging the pain we both carried and choosing love, we could finally break the cycle.
That’s my personal account of why it’s better to let go. I let go for me, for you, for us, and for those who come after us.
The how
The steps to end a toxic relationship are simple, at least on paper. Implementing them, however, is much harder. Katherine Woodward Thomas’ Cokscious Ukcoufilikg provides a framework for healing from heartbreak that centers around compassion. The goal of conscious uncoupling is to help couples end their relationship with respect, reduce animosity, and foster peace as they move forward. This is how we begin to heal.
Five steps to healing and letting go
Find emotional freedom: Releasing anger and negative emotions connected to the former relationship and channeling that energy into growth-promoting activities.
Reclaim your power and your life: Redefine yourself as an individual, reconnect the parts of you that you let go of, or find new parts of you waiting to be discovered.
Break the pattern, heal your heart: Undo practices that work against relationship growth, and untangle your own negative relationship beliefs and patterns.
Become a love alchemist: Dissolve any toxic residue between you and your former partner, and clear the air.
Create your happily ever after: Be intentional about your decisions moving forward. Set up structures in your daily life to help you thrive as you rebuild.
If you resonate with parts of this article and would like to schedule a free consultation with me, reach me through my website. If you are in a relationship that feels unsafe in any way and need help figuring out future steps, please reach out to the Domestic Violence Hotline in your area, the number for USA is 800-799-7233.
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Melina Rodriguez, Therapist & Coach
Melina Rodriguez, a Denver-based mental health therapist and First Generation immigrant from Uruguay, compassionately addresses anxiety, depression, boundaries, sexual trauma, PTSD, codependency, and abuse. Her personal healing journey fuels a passion for empowering couples and individuals. Using a holistic approach, Melina includes Internal Family Systems, mindfulness, inner child work, creativity, and even psychedelic-assisted therapy, customizing sessions to highlight clients' strengths. Dedicated to fostering a supportive environment for the journey to authentic existence, she believes relationships are the path to healing.
