Written by: Sara Hegy, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Dear overworked ambitious leader who is hungry for development, In this enthralling journey through the corridors of your own mind, we continue our exploration of the astounding science behind decision-making. Our aim? To empower you, the driven and ambitious leader, with the knowledge that unveils the immense potential residing within your brain.
A diagram illustrates how our actions depend on what our mind thinks. Two people who experience the same events but think in different ways move throughout the day with different outcomes governed by their beliefs. When the thoughts are oriented towards growth and proactivity, the outcomes of the events are seen as positive and the person feels powerful. When the thoughts are oriented towards reactivity, the outcomes of the events are seen as negative and the person feels disempowered.
What makes this series unique is how we examine leadership. As we've been uncovering in this series, leadership isn't just about job titles and managerial roles. It's about how you navigate your life daily, how you mold each thought, action, and emotion into a strategic masterpiece that shapes your world.
You see, leadership isn't as we have been taught, confined to the boardroom or the forefront of a team; it's the continuous process that unfolds in every decision you take, from the moment you rise to greet the day until you lay down to rest, including all the moments that you interact with others around you and with your environment.
Previously, In part 1, we talked about the simplest process of the brain: sensing information > processing > output. In part 2, we examined our brain’s elements that help us sense information, and then in parts 3 and 4 we discovered the main players in the decision-making. We gave 2 practical situations in an individual and collective context regarding how the brain incorporates beliefs in the decision-making process, we shed light on the trio of mental frames in our brain and we learned about the brain’s strategy of prioritization. In part 5, we opened our minds to engage with a new hypothesis that bad decisions only come from bad perceptions, not an error in our mental processing. We also delved into the world of drama and how critical it is for us to foster powerful dramas to live in.
We left off with a question on Emma, my client who for the longest time had an avoidant relationship with her boss because her brain got stuck into thinking that he resembles her dad and that’s why she found it exceptionally difficult to foster a powerful relationship with him.
Why did her brain do that? And how could she have stopped it? That’s what we’ll figure out so, buckle up and let’s delve into a novel concept you are highly unfamiliar with that holds the promise to level up your leadership game in whichever area you choose.
We talked about the movie tool to help distinguish for us which movies (past life events as we remember them) that we got stuck in. These events then shape our personality and color the meanings of life for us. They also lead to emerging reactive decisions that turn into behaviors with repetition to help us cope with the impact of the situation.
The impact of the dark caves of thought on our sad movies
We said that Emma’s parents had a divorce after episodes of intense fights that she always saw as a little girl. So, Emma’s sensory perceptions were stimulated by the words her parents told each other, the body language they used, and the actions they did from screaming to slamming doors to crying and complaining. All of these stimuli combined triggered Emma’s brain to process “danger” when it comes to relationships. Even when nothing physically dangerous happened in the past like physical abuse, this is what the brain experienced and it then labeled fights with a red sign called “danger”. That’s why Emma developed avoidant mechanisms to stay away from any reactive conversations. She also always felt unsafe around people of authority.
Additionally, she wouldn’t speak her mind freely in front of the whole team, also she’d be shy when presenting herself in front of audiences because she felt being judged.
Can you now see the impact of Emma’s stuck mind on the movie of her life called “Parents’ Divorce”? It’s quite possible that the memory of the movie faded away to a big extent but the repeated way of actions that turned into behaviors that Emma acquired to deal with that event never did.
How leadership development stirs the mind towards proactive intentional thoughts and actions
So in reference to our earlier articles on decision-making and perception, we understand now that Emma perceives every attempt for a person to confront her or give her feedback as uncomfortable, sometimes even dangerous. Her senses pick on any red-labeled danger signs in her environment and her brain processes them to decide to stay away and be protective or defensive to get out of the situation fast. During Emma’s leadership development program, she worked on reprogramming her senses to distinguish perceived and real threats in her environment. After the constant release of her emotions and saying what she always wanted to say to her dad, whilst building better communication strategies with herself and people around her and getting herself equipped with new tools on how to tackle her disempowering thoughts and lead herself towards thinking in an intentional direction one day at a time, she found herself calmer at the workplace and more open to connecting to her colleagues. Emma’s confidence skyrocketed when she started mastering presenting in front of an audience with conviction and power. Fearful, but courageous, Emma picked up the phone to call her dad for the first time in many years. Weeks later, she knocked on her boss’s door and asked to have a conversation with him where she authentically shared what had been going on for her and she requested his help and support for her to expand her leadership skills at work.
Another case study
Similarly, Michael’s brain is stuck in a movie called "My Lover’s Betrayal". Michael experienced this event during his late teens. Michael had fallen in love for the first time, and it was a whirlwind of emotions and new experiences for him until one day he caught his girlfriend being unfaithful. The shock of Micheal experiencing the betrayal event and the overwhelming feelings of shock, sadness, mistrust, and betrayal that accompanied this event left him deeply traumatized as if his brain played this event on repeat.
As Michael grew older, he tried to create new movies and new experiences with different women. But each time, the scenes from "The Betrayal" would start playing in his mind. Conversations with women were colored by suspicion, and every gesture or word was overanalyzed for signs of deceit. Even when women showed him genuine affection and loyalty, Michael found it hard to trust their intentions.
Michael's progress in his career was also significantly influenced by the same movie, as his inherent mistrust affected his ability to collaborate, especially with female colleagues. He often questioned their suggestions and decisions, not due to their professional competence, but because of his underlying trust issues. This skepticism sometimes led to friction within the team, hampering the flow of ideas and mutual respect necessary for successful collaboration. Michael's interactions were also tinged with caution and he found it hard to delegate tasks, he tended to mostly micro-manage his junior team members and, often double-checking their work unnecessarily. He hesitated to engage in open and transparent communication; rather, he mostly gossiped. He was too resistant and disagreeable when openly discussing his colleagues’ ideas during the meetings, all of which left his colleagues feeling misunderstood and undervalued.
Using our movie tool, we can now distinguish what has been happening to Michael’s brain. The event that Michael’s brain got stuck was the instance of finding out that his girlfriend was unfaithful. Seeing that he told himself that something was wrong with him that he wasn’t good enough and that women would hurt him again. This became his drama about himself and colored his interactions with women around him. His brain decided to stay away from women and not put himself in this vulnerable situation ever again. His actions around women became cautious, defensive, and sometimes aggressive. This movie became a traumatic experience, always deeply playing in the background of his life even when actual events didn’t suggest otherwise.
Michael’s leadership training entailed him forgiving himself for the strong judgments he had made for 15 years about himself and women. He became more aware of his cautious listening patterns and aggressive speaking patterns as a way of protecting himself from being vulnerable. He stopped trying to control the outcome of his colleagues and he started connecting with them on deeper levels. As a result, he received a long-awaited promotion.
The silent Saboteurs of effective leadership
Ineffective speaking and listening are not just minor flaws; they are silent saboteurs capable of causing significant setbacks in your own self-image, in how you lead life around you in terms of connectedness to people and opportunities, your productivity, your creativity, your quality of life, and your satisfaction. We spend an average of 45% of our time listening, 30% of our time talking, 16% reading, and 9% writing. We typically listen at 25-50% efficiency as well2 and this costs companies over 5 years at least $1.1 billion in lost value per company3. Our ability to master this complex process of communication is what determines our engagement at work, our productivity in our careers, and our ability to be satisfied with our relationships, yet only 2% of the leaders in the workforce have ever gotten training on listening.
Let’s now examine some of the signs that our listening and speaking are ineffective before providing you with the best leadership practices for effective listening and speaking. We’ll start with the less obvious saboteur: ineffective listening.
The Saboteur I: Ineffective ways of listening
Next time you’re listening in one of these ways, stop yourself and get that you’re ineffectively communicating with the person in front of you.
Not fully focusing or paying full attention: Being distracted or multitasking while others are speaking.
Interrupting: Jumping in with one’s own thoughts before the other person has finished speaking.
Listening to respond, not to understand: Planning and Formulating a response while the other person is still talking, rather than truly listening to what is being said and fully understanding the speaker’s point.
Making assumptions: Drawing conclusions or assuming one knows what the speaker is going to say before they finish.
Being judgmental: Quickly judging or dismissing what the other person says without fully understanding it.
Showing lack of interest: Nonverbal cues like lack of eye contact or closed body language indicate disinterest in the other party.
Not asking follow-up questions: Failing to seek clarification or a deeper understanding of what was said.
Being defensive: Taking things personally and responding defensively to feedback or criticism as if the other party is intending harm or attacking the person.
Ignoring non-verbal cues: Failing to pay attention to the speaker’s body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, which can provide important context rather than hearing the loud voices in one’s head.
Dismissing or minimizing the speaker’s points: Overlooking or trivializing what the speaker is saying, can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
Let’s now move to ineffective speaking patterns and ways that we use to communicate our words and intentions to the outside world.
The Saboteur II: Ineffective speaking patterns
Next time you’re saying or thinking one of these statements, stop yourself and get that you’re ineffectively communicating.
(Validation or proving right) ‘’I’m right +/- and they’re wrong’’: Insisting on one's own perspective as the only correct view often disregards or dismisses opposing viewpoints.
(Blame) ‘’It’s Their Fault’’: Blaming others for the situation or problem avoids any personal responsibility or accountability.
(Blame) It’s My Fault: Excessively blaming oneself, which leads to a lack of assertiveness and failure to express one's needs or perspective.
(Anxiety and threat) ‘’I’m Not Safe’’: Feeling threatened or vulnerable leads to anxious, defensive, or guarded communication.
(Comparison) ‘’I’m Not Like Them’’: Creating a sense of separation or alienation based on differences hinders empathy and understanding.
(Domination) I Want to Control the Outcome: Attempting to manipulate or steer the conversation to achieve a specific result, often at the expense of open dialogue stops the conversation or accelerates it into a conflict.
(Defensiveness) ‘’They’re right +/- and I’m wrong’’: Insisting to judge other’s perspectives as right while diminishing one’s own leads to self-doubt and lack of confidence.
‘’I did that because…’’: Responding to perceived criticism or threat by justifying oneself, often aggressively leads to unsafe conversations.
(Withdrawal) "I don't want to talk about this anymore.", "Let's just drop it." , "This is going nowhere.", "I can't deal with this right now.", "Whatever.", "I'm too tired for this.", "You just don't understand.", "I need some space." Silence or Non-Response, "I have nothing more to say.", "Let's talk about this some other time." : Disengaging from the conversation, either physically or emotionally, as a way to avoid conflict or discomfort.
(Over-Accommodation) "Whatever you think is best.", "I'm fine with anything.", "I don't mind, really.", "It's not a problem at all.", "I can adjust.", "You don't have to ask, I'll do it.", "I just want everyone to be happy." , "It doesn't really matter to me.", "Sure, I can do that, no problem.", "Don't worry about me, I'm good.", "I can sacrifice that, it's okay.", "I'm always here to help, no matter what.": Constantly agreeing or conforming to avoid disagreement, suppressing one’s own opinions and or their circumstances in decision-making.
(Passive-Aggressive Behavior) Sarcastic Comments such as, "Well, aren't you just perfect?", "Yeah, right, you're always so helpful.", "I didn't expect you to understand, but surprisingly you did a good job.", "It's interesting how you always have an excuse.", "Fine,", "Whatever," Saying something like, Withholding Anger yet denying it "I'm not mad", Undermining Remarks: For instance, "Good luck with that project, you're going to need it," implying a lack of confidence in someone's abilities. Procrastination or Deliberate Inefficiency: "I'll get to it eventually,", Suggestive Questions: "Do you think you're capable of handling this?", Withholding Praise or Affirmation: "I suppose you did okay", Silent Treatment: Not saying anything at all, or ignoring someone as a way to express displeasure or punish them, Feigned Helplessness: "I guess I'm just not good enough to do it your way": Expressing negative feelings or resentment indirectly, rather than openly addressing them.
(Sarcasm and Mockery) "Great job, Einstein.", "Oh, this is exactly what I needed today!", "Yeah, right.", "Sorry, I'm not a mind reader." : Using biting humor or mockery in response to something inconvenient or unpleasant happening, implying the opposite. It’s used to express contempt or disdain, often in a way that avoids direct confrontation.
(Overgeneralization) "They're all the same.", "Everyone knows that...", "You always do this.", "This always happens to me.", "Nobody ever listens.", "Women/Men are always like that.", "People never change.", "You never understand me.", "All politicians are corrupt.", "It's always a disaster whenever we try this.", "This is the worst thing ever." : Making sweeping generalizations, using terms like "always" or "never," which exaggerates and distorts the perception of the situation, generalizing a person's behavior as if it happens without exception, often used in arguments or complaints, or assuming that a personal belief or opinion is universally accepted.
(Victimization) "Everything bad always happens to me.", "No one ever listens to me or understands me." , "I try so hard, but it's never enough.", "It's not fair.", "I can't do anything right.", "I have the worst luck.", "People always take advantage of me.", "Why does this always happen to me?", "I had no choice." , "I'm always the one who gets hurt.", "You just wouldn't understand." , "It's because of [person/situation] that I'm like this." Portraying oneself as the victim to deflect blame or gain sympathy, often exaggerating personal hardship. When a person victimizes themselves, they portray themselves as the perpetual target of misfortune or unfair treatment, without acknowledging their own role or responsibility in situations.
(Interrupting): Cutting off others in conversation, a sign of impatience or desire to dominate the dialogue.
(Minimizing)"It's not a big deal.", "You're overreacting.", "Don't be so sensitive.", "It could be worse.", "You're making a mountain out of a molehill.", "Just calm down.", "It's just a joke.", "Stop taking everything so personally." , "Why are you making such a big thing out of this?", "Everyone goes through this.", "You'll get over it.", "Just let it go." : Downplaying the importance of the issue or the feelings of others, which can invalidate their experiences.
(Rationalizing): "I only did it because...", "It's not really that bad because...", "I had no other choice.", "It's not my fault because...", "Everyone else is doing it.", "It's actually a good thing because...", "I deserve this because...", "It doesn't really matter because...", "I was just trying to help.", "It was just a joke.", "There's nothing wrong with what I did because...", "I did it for your own good.": Providing excuses or justifications to avoid confronting the real issue or acknowledging one's role in a conflict. Justifying controlling or intrusive behavior as being in the best interest of the other person and defending actions by denying any wrongdoing or harm.
The Saboteur III: Ineffective ways of speaking
Lack of clarity: Speaking vaguely or ambiguously, leaves listeners confused about the main points or intentions.
Overuse of jargon or technical language: Using complex terms or industry-specific language that is not understood by the listeners can alienate or confuse them.
Dominating the conversation: Talking too much without giving others a chance to speak or respond can lead to one-sided conversations.
Being negative or critical: Constant criticism or negativity can discourage open communication and create a hostile environment.
Ignoring the audience's needs: Failing to tailor the message to the audience's level of understanding, interests, or concerns results in disengagement.
Not being concise: Over-explaining or going off on tangents slips the listener’s attention off the main message.
And there is nothing wrong
It’s important to understand that neither ineffective speaking nor ineffective listening is a disease and we’re not examining the phenomenon to judge or shame it, rather, to learn that how we listen, and what we say or think gets in the way of what we want. It’s also important to state that some of the sentences above can also be spoken in a neutral or constructive context and hence, they stop being ineffective. Thus, It’s the context, the intention the tone of the conversation, and the relationship between the people involved that determines whether or not the sentence spoken is ineffective.
Another critical unaddressed element that stirs an ineffective conversation is being untrue to one's own feelings, thoughts, or values in what they say or how they say it. In other words, the person is being inauthentic. There are many reasons as to why a person wouldn’t be authentic in communication that we might mention in a later article but for now, it’s important to get that sometimes we stop being authentic and we start being ineffective communicators which leads to unsatisfactory outcomes and limited opportunities. When we engage in a journey to resolve the movies where our brains are stuck, develop our thoughts and our ability to be self-expressed and effective communicators and align the former and latter to be in the same direction of our vision for our future, then limitless possibilities emerge in every area of our lives where we direct our focus and that’s where our best version of ourselves lies.
I mentioned intention, what is it and how can it transform our lives. That’s what we’ll figure out in the next piece, so let’s wrap up for now.
Key takeaways and best practices to increase leadership effectiveness
1. Understanding the impact of our past experiences is critical for leadership development: Our past experiences profoundly influence our actions and shape our behaviors. The unresolved past experiences keep haunting our brain and limit our effectiveness in our personal and professional lives thus, our ability to lead life around us.
2. The way we perceive people and life around us is foundational for our Decision-making: As highlighted in the last chapter, our brain's interpretation of events, not the events themselves, often dictates our decision-making process. When we reassess and reshape our reactions to communication and situations around us, we delve into the untapped potential of growth and opportunity.
3. Identification of ineffective listening and speaking patterns: The article highlights various ineffective communication patterns. Being aware of these patterns and ways is our first step towards creating a future of prosperous leadership.
4. Practice self-reflection and awareness: Regularly reflect on your listening and speaking style. Ask yourself, "Am I being true to my values? Is this truly what I want to say? If not, then why not? Am I truly listening to understand, or am I waiting to respond?".
5. Practice mindful listening: In conversations, practice listening to deeply understand where the other party is coming from. Focus entirely on the speaker, maintain eye contact, and resist the urge to interrupt. Summarize what you've heard to ensure understanding.
6. Practice agreeing to disagree: You don’t have to agree or win in all conversations. The more you’re open to receiving the other’s communication without judgment, and to widen your perspective, the more people will want to be open and share their life experiences with you.
7. Practice role-play exercises in a safe open environment: Engage in role-play scenarios with a trusted colleague or coach. This exercise can provide insights into your communication style and how it is perceived by others then, with a coach you can train your brain to respond differently after dealing with the reaction’s origins and
8. Practice ending your conversations on a gratitude note: End conversations by expressing gratitude or highlighting a positive aspect of what worked. This practice will help you foster a positive environment and encourage open communication.
9. Practice journaling emotional triggers to clear your mind: Keep a journal of instances where you felt ineffective in listening or speaking. See if patterns of specific words or actions emerge that cause you to be ineffective or cease you from being confident. A good journal to grab is the Clarity Kit which has a set of comprehensive practices to follow.
Your ability to go beyond your ineffective communication blocks is what will give you a clear mind to think and decide proactively which will propel your leadership ability to new heights.
If you’re eager to transform your leadership style, foster personal growth, and craft a brighter future—one proactive decision at a time, one great proactive decision will be to try out our services to accelerate your path to success, book your coaching call with us today here and if you're interested to join our growing facebook community for leadership development, join here.
Sara Hegy, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sara Hegy is an award-winning scientist and a leadership coach who is dedicated to helping other leaders achieve their full potential while being fulfilled. She grew up in an environment where producing results is a measure of self-worth. Hence, she always struggled to apply self-development teachings until coaching helped her gain clarity on her struggles and gave her tools to overcome them. Through harnessing the power of her mind and taking effective action, she graduated with honors, won a scientific prize, and her findings raised a$2.7 million research grant. She's the founder of her coaching business that globally serves. Her mission: Passionate leaders who create massively and live a life that they love.
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