Written by: Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It is with a tinge of sadness that, as I look back, I can see that the times when I received the most praise for how ‘in shape’ I looked were actually some of my most truly unhealthy moments. Not only was my body constantly sore from overtraining & undereating, I wasn’t even able to appreciate the misguided compliments that I was receiving. While I may have felt a momentary sense of relief that all my hard work had finally paid off in hearing a few nice words, almost immediately, I was stressed out again for fear that I might not be able to maintain this much-desired ‘in-shape-ness’. I would wonder if perhaps I could get more praise by being even more extreme. I would even disbelieve the praise that I was so desperately seeking because deep within I didn’t feel like I was really good enough. I may have looked fabulous but I certainly didn’t feel it.
Does this sound familiar?
Perhaps your ‘never enough results’ complex was not about fitness. Instead, it might have been about success, recognition, or money. Whatever the issue, it often all plays out in the same way: we trade love & respect of ourselves for external validation.
While my worst moments were decades ago, self-acceptance still requires steady practice for me. No doubt early childhood issues played a role, as is often the case, but our modern, image-focused culture is certainly doing no one any favors in the self-esteem department.
Now, as a fitness trainer & health coach, of course, I am very interested in helping my students adopt healthier habits, so they can get more ‘in shape’. But even more so, I am also interested in them learning to cultivate acceptance, patience, forgiveness, & compassion for themselves. I know from my own experience that this is the surest path to not only achieve our desired goals but also to actually enjoy what we achieve.
So, how do we find that sweet spot where we can challenge ourselves without beating ourselves up? How can we be kind to ourselves without being too easy on ourselves?
Trust in the power of kindness
It may help to know that compassion, forgiveness & patience actually work better than denial, harshness, or force in creating lasting change. There has been a considerable amount of research in this area (most notably by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.; Kristen Neff, Ph.D.; & Chris Germer, Ph.D.), showing that when we are hard on ourselves, we are more likely to give up on our goals - fitness or otherwise. In contrast, when we can forgive ourselves for not always being perfect and be patient with ourselves when it takes time to see results, we are more inclined to stick with healthier habits and to keep walking the healthier path, even if we sometimes stumble along the way.
Prioritize how we feel over how we look
It’s truly wonderful to like how we look in the mirror. The problem comes when the cost of looking great is feeling horrible or when we obsess about our measurements so much that we can’t enjoy a meal with friends. While the ability to delay immediate gratification for future benefit has great value (i.e., less ice cream now usually does mean that we feel better later), we also know that our most precious moments come when we are present - with ourselves and with our dear ones. There is a saying, “People remember us more for how we made them feel, and less for what we actually said”. We could also say that people remember us more for how we made them feel and less for how fit we looked!
And, while we’re at it, instead of focusing just on how our triceps or our glutes look in the mirror, how about noticing how well we are able to get up & down from the floor when we play with our children or grandchildren? And instead of focusing on how many grams of carbs we’re eating a day, how about enjoying how empowering it feels to be able to climb the stairs or walk the local trails with ease?
When we seek happiness in the mirror, it will always be fleeting. Always. It can be a great feeling, but the greatest feelings come when we focus less on ourselves and more on living & giving.
Feeling ‘enough' while still being ‘a work in progress’
This can be a tricky balancing act requiring the ability to observe oneself with equal doses of kindness, spaciousness, & humor. Zen master Shunryu Suzuki says it best: “We are all perfect just as we are, AND there is always room for improvement”.
When we make positive choices for our health out of love & respect for ourselves, rather than out of shame, everything changes. Self-love and self-respect don’t always come naturally, however, which leads me to my next point…
Practicing the Art of Practice
When we set a goal for ourselves, fitness or otherwise, we have to absolutely expect that there are going to be days when we don’t achieve what we had hoped. After all, if it comes too easy, we aren’t growing or challenging ourselves. This is where practicing forgiveness, compassion, & patience really comes into play. Alongside practicing healthier habits is also the practice of viewing & treating ourselves with kindness & respect. We might miss a workout, but instead of giving ourselves a good scolding, we can keep believing in ourselves and pledge to try again tomorrow. Initially, it might feel a bit ‘fake’ to treat ourselves with respect if we have been used to reprimanding ourselves for every ‘wrong’ turn we take. Keep practicing. Every step that we take towards not only our goals but towards a more loving, respectful relationship with ourselves is a step towards true health & well-being.
Focusing on skills rather than results
I love it when one of my students tells me that they were feeling sore over their road trip holiday from too much driving, but that after they practiced the stretches I showed them in class, they were able to feel better all by themselves!
Or when they tell me that they were feeling very stressed out, but then practiced some of the breathing exercises that we often do in class, and it allowed them to calm their mind & have better sleep than they have had in a long time.
Or when they tell me that they tried a new recipe using veggies they had not cooked with before and were surprised at how simple & delicious it was.
Or when they tell me they were able to complete their multi-day hike with no problem because of all the training we did together.
These are results that matter.
We are not going to achieve perfection and just stay there forever. When we are able to take ownership of the skills and tools that we have learned, we are setting ourselves up for long-term success. This is empowerment.
Practicing gratitude for what we already have inspires us to keep going
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Although this phrase may be overused, it has been statistically shown that when we appreciate the progress that we have already made, we are more successful in going further. Instead of beating ourselves up for what we have not yet achieved, we can look back at how far we have already come with a deep sense of gratitude. This gives us the strength & momentum to keep going.
When we can keep all of these principles in our minds, healthy & sustainable results are inevitable. Making change does take some discipline and ‘stick-to-it-ness’. But when we can be our best ally instead of our worst enemy, the journey towards our goals, while not always easy, can be joyful.
If you are interested in more tools to create healthy change, click here to receive the 5 Day Introduction to Fully Embodied Living. Each day includes guided stretching, breath practice, meditation, & guidance on mindful eating.
Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tracy Renee Stafford is a coach in Fully Embodied Fitness — a weave of yoga, pilates, dance, & functional exercise - and in Fully Embodied Living based on 4 Pillars of Well-Being: Connection to Body, Nourishment, Presence & Growth. Her mission is to help people discover how they can make self-care a celebration, rather than an obligation, & enjoy the body for how it feels, rather than just for how it performs or looks. She ran her own studio in the Canadian Prairies heartland for 20 very rewarding years - where she taught various forms of fitness, with a specific interest in injury prevention & rehabilitation and empowering students with information on HOW the body works best. She is a Mindful Movement, Holistic Living & Nutrition Coach, weaving together all of her expertise into her Fully Embodied Living Programs. She currently lives in Buenos Aires and keeps her passion for dance alive by studying Argentine Tango.
