Written by: Diane Hiller, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
What is it that makes people want to change? How do you feel about the title? Does it make you uncomfortable to even think it is true, or do you embrace it as the truth? I could not recall who said it initially, but then I looked it up; I was not surprised to find it was Heraclitus of Ephesus (535 BC – 475 BC). Ahh, 5th Century Athens. Of course, one of the most prolific and profound periods of philosophy. I once took an entire semester in just that period of history as an undergraduate. The ideals we hold today in many areas of politics, life and love still hold true. Genius, truly.
Doing the work that I do now, and even while training as a therapist, this was always a huge question. In general, people do not like change. Most people prefer to stay with what is known, even if miserable. They know they are not happy, but due to childhood trauma, deeply held beliefs, and conditioning, they think this is just the way things are. They are not able to shift the apparent pattern. There may be fear of the unknown or not knowing what is healthy. I recently worked with a client in a deeply abusive relationship that had begun many years prior. Through many attempts to leave, she’d found herself unable to get out. It was a bad situation. On average, it takes a woman five times to leave an abusive situation. I asked her what she feared most; she said, “That I won’t heal.”
While working in the judicial system, I worked on a docket that arraigned 300 domestic violence cases per month for two or more years. I recommended to the court what kind of restraining order needed to be in place and for how long. Then the docket moved to a more highly specialized one of repeat offenders. What became apparent was that abusers in these situations had a 95% treatment failure rate. Programs became defunded. I assured her she would heal, but he was unlikely to ever. Not impossible, but very, very unlikely.
I believe anyone can change, given the right motivation. Unfortunately, it seems to be extreme emotional pain, loss of a career, a health crisis, loss of reputation, an arrest, a significant relationship ending, or a combination of the above.
I think part of the issue has to do with control or perceived control over one’s life. We really can’t control other people—those who try to manipulate others often find their lives embroiled in conflict and drama, but they see the source as outside of them.
They feel victimized when their tactics no longer work. The only thing we can control is our behavior and responses. That is where the key to change lies. But, it requires work, self-awareness, and insight into your own behavior and its impact on others. No one likes to do that work. It’s hard. We all have things that we can change.
There are so many quotes. This one fits here:
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” ‒James Baldwin
Change is painful, and growth can be painful, but is it more painful than being stuck where you are now?
One perhaps more straightforward example is that of quitting smoking. Nicotine is as addictive as crack. It is the perfect drug; if you are down, it lifts you; want to celebrate? Light up. But we all know it is destructive. This issue has three components: habit, physical addiction, and psychological. It takes 27 days to break or develop a habit pattern; the biological effects of nicotine are out of the body in four days. Then there are the perceived psychological benefits.
I smoked for years. When did I quit? After getting sick with pneumonia, bronchitis, being on an inhaler and two antibiotics, and being unable to walk from my bedroom to my kitchen without being short of breath. My doctor told me to keep it up. I would be on oxygen within five years. Please take a deep breath, hold it, and then try to take another on top of that; that is how every breath will feel. Try it. Wow. No thanks.
I started to think; you did this to yourself. I decided that no matter what happened, I was quitting, happy, mad, or sad, and I would not smoke. I can tell you the exact day. I relapsed once; that was over 25 years ago. It was hard.
Worth it, absolutely; I never even think about it now.
I was scared and ready. I have seen many people change over the years. I had a repeat client, he called me in crisis, and his girlfriend had ended the relationship. He was frantic. I was booked solid, and he was desperate. I said I could do 15 minutes. That is all I can fit in, and I will give it to you straight; I will not mince words, “Can you handle that?” He said, “Yes.”
So, I looked at what was happening; I said she was tired of the mood swings and the overspending. I told him I thought he was Bipolar; he needed to be in therapy and on medication. He had broken trust one too many times. She was fed up. He had a therapy appointment that day. I said he would need to follow through over and over and prove to her that she could trust him again and do that for as long as she needed, and then yes, I thought she would take him back. He did, and they got engaged on New Year’s.
I often get feedback sometimes from the client but also in other unexpected ways. One day a woman booked with me, and when I started to read her, she said, I just wanted to look at the woman who finally got my ex-husband to change. She told me his name. I said I could not discuss other clients due to confidentiality.
She told me she heard the whole story; I read him “the riot act,” and he had a “come to Jesus moment.” She came to thank me. She told me he was so much better with her, with the kids. Was it me? No, but I did recognize that this was an opportunity for him to really hear the truth about how his actions hurt others and he was genuinely ready to change. It was a 15-minute call that helped change his life. I had a 10-minute call that changed my course of mine. I will never forget it.
Change can happen very fast. It does not have to be painful. With the New Year approaching, it is an excellent time to take a step back and assess what needs to change, what you want, and whether it is not within your power to do anything about it.
Get inspired. Don’t fear change.
'Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.' ‒ Harriet Tubman
Diane Hiller, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Diane is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Psychic Medium, Certified Feng Shui Master, and Medical Intuitive. She has been tested for accuracy. After working in the nursing field as an LPN for 13 years, she returned to college and received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa. She then went on to earn her Master's (MSW) with a Major in Clinical and a Minor in Research, both from the University of Connecticut. She is licensed by State examination as an LCSW. In 2005 she founded Elemental Empowerments, LLC. She is noted in the book “The Top 100 Psychics and Astrologers in America.” She is one of the most well-researched psychics In North America.
