Written by: Tamzin Hall, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The answer is simple, you will never, ever be able to keep everyone completely happy. This a sentence I find myself saying day in, day out. Working with decision-makers of large corporations, the question, how can I keep my customers, my employees, my directors, my regulators, and my board happy are asked daily. The simple answer is that you will jeopardise your happiness, well-being, and success if you strive to please everyone. Someone will always be dissatisfied. Regardless of how much you want or try to appease everyone.
This answer is the same regardless of the situation, time of year and audience! Over the next few pages, my priority is you. My goal is to support you. Your happiness and well-being over the festive season is my focus. Research has shown that when we strive to please everyone, especially our colleagues and staff, when we do not achieve this, a host of emotions start to ruin our days – and potentially our Christmas.
This article will explore the question, can we keep everyone happy over Christmas, in both a business capacity and a personal one.
Let us be honest, finding the balance between:
Doing the right thing,
giving people what they want,
staying as close to margins or guidelines in the workplace,
keeping everyone happy,
serving who you need to serve, you, your family, your customers, and your staff,
Combined with any feelings of guilt you face because you are not doing what is expected of you.
… can and will be challenging.
What if I told you that you can do it all? How does that make you feel? Curious as to what I am going to suggest? Excited that Christmas may just align with your needs for once? Apprehensive that you may still be doing things you do not want to do?
Let us dive in.
Figuring out your ideal Christmas
Firstly
The first thing to do is to understand what you want Christmas to look like. Grab a pen and paper, take yourself off to your favourite place, (I have a favourite coffee shop, where I go, order the most delicious caramel flat white, look out at the most stunning view and enjoy sitting and exploring my thoughts).
Write down exactly what your ideal Christmas would look like. The lists could cover Christmas at work, navigating the run-up to Christmas in the office, or Christmas at home. Make two lists, even three if you want.
You can be as adventurous as you want!
From the moment you finish work, or the kids break up ‒ what do you want the festivities to be like?
What would your ideal look like at work in the run-up to Christmas?
Do you have the capacity to have more people off on holiday, when this is your busiest time of year, and you need your customers to be looked after?
What do you want? What would the perfect Christmas look like?
These lists are for you, forget everyone else's expectations for now. Forget the family members you have seen every year at Christmas up until now, forget any tradition that you have been conditioned to follow. Forget the pleas for a last-minute Christmas Eve off.
It may be that you only have one day off oveoverr Christmas, or it may be that you have weeks off, simply write down what you want to do with that time.
How about the run at to Christmas in your business, with your staff. What do you want and need these few weeks to look like?
Secondly
Once you have written the list, write down the things that you feel you should be doing - write these in a different colour. Are there any items on the list that overlap? If so, can you combine them?
You will be left with a list of things you would love to do over Christmas and a list of things that you feel you should do.
Thirdly
On the list of "should do’s", what triggers emotions of dread, fear, and anxiety? Can you simply remove them from your agenda? How does that make you feel? If you can remove them, cross them off your list.
Selfish or a worthwhile compromise?
What is the compromise? Does there need to be a compromise?
Getting the balance between doing what you want to do and not being selfish can seem daunting. But it is possible. Imagine for a moment you have put on your list that you want a white Christmas in a log cabin in the Swiss Alps, why not make it possible? If you are worried about letting family members down by not spending Christmas with them, why not suggest a weekend in December and arrange a family Christmas celebration? That way everyone gets two Christmas days!
Keep reading for more suggestions on how to get this balance right and how to give yourself a happy Christmas.
Some of you may be thinking, this is impossible. I have elderly relatives I must see over Christmas.
During a recent conversation with a client, she explained how she only has one day off throughout the 10-day Christmas period, Christmas Day. Last year, she was exhausted but felt obligated to have her grandparents over for Christmas Day because her parents live in Australia. Suzy recalled last year, she did everything to make the day perfect for her Grandparents, driving them around, cooking for them, waiting on them and giving them a wonderful day. Suzy fell into bed at midnight and was up at 6 am the following morning for a long shift at the theatre she worked at. She recalled how she drove into work so tired she had tears rolling down her face, she was not rested, or relaxed. In fact, the opposite. She was so stressed she ended up shouting at a colleague at work that day and felt terrible for weeks after. After our conversation, Suzy decided that this year she was going to take her grandparents out for Christmas lunch, and it was a perfect opportunity to introduce them to her new boyfriend.
Suzy’s plan for her new Christmas Day starts with a new tradition with her new boyfriend. It gives them some time to spend the day together, for Suzy to relax whilst still seeing her beloved Grandparents and giving them a good day. There is always another way, a way that works. A way that gives everyone what they need, even if Suzy’s Grandpa Jo might not be totally happy with the prospect of not being able to fall straight asleep after a large Christmas meal!
When your staff wants time off, but this is your busiest time of the year?
The thought of having to say no to a member of staff over the Christmas period can cause a pang of guilt! However, when you have a business that is extremely busy over Christmas, as you know, this is a balance that you need to get right.
Here are my tips on how to overcome saying YES when it isn’t the right thing to do - especially when we want to embrace the Christmas spirit and give all we can!
Let us look at the example of my clients, Shaun*. Every year Shaun had planned his staff schedule, authorised leave and had enough staff in to cover the influx of customers over the festive period, yet every year, he would have someone knocking at his door the day before Christmas Eve begging for Christmas Eve off… we’ve all had the conversation with the member of staff who has just realised their kids need taking to see Father Christmas! Here is the steps Shaun decided on to ensure this year, staff will behave differently;
Become aware of your intentions. Will you say yes because you want to be a people pleaser and avoid confrontation. Or will you only say yes if the business can function without this member of staff working?
Understand if you are saying yes because you want the validation that you are a great boss, are you worried about what people will think if you say no?
Give yourself time to see if the request is possible. Responding with “let me see if your request is possible “I’ll come back to you by the end of the day ‒ gives you time to explore the impact on the rest of the team, you, your customers, and your business if you agree to the leave. Consider your business ‒ what if you are at your minimum and someone calls in sick? Research shows that if you stop for even a 50 to 100 milliseconds, your instant response of YES is given time to think! When we stop and think we can assess the bigger picture and figure out of the outcome is right.
Once you have decided on your answer be confident in your decision, especially when giving your answer to your member of staff.
Communicate in a way that they understand. A no, with no explanation, will be taken one way… a no with a full examination will be appreciated.
Be empathetic and curious and try to understand. If they are desperate for the time off, could they swap with someone who has already booked the time off? Perhaps they could ask their colleagues if anyone could swap.
Communicate to your staff early that holidays need to be booked in advance and explain why. People respect the outcome and listen more when they know and understand the rationale behind a decision.
What if the thought of Christmas makes you sad?
There will be some reading this, who either have family living abroad, people not here anymore or kids who are with someone else this Christmas. It can be hard to navigate the festivities when you feel like a part of you is missing. If Christmas day triggers a host of emotions, ask yourself what can you do that helps you to feel freer. Is there something you can do that you enjoy? Perhaps suggesting an alternative Christmas to a friend? Can you go away? Or grab your favourite box set and settle in for a day of movies?
One of my clients finds Christmas incredibly hard, so they volunteer at a local homeless shelter. Giving their time not only helps to distract themselves from negative feelings, but by helping others my client releases endorphins, which helps to make them feel happier and less stressed. This is known as Helper's High, we get a boost in our emotions when we help others. So, if you are feeling depressed over Christmas, taking the time to support others will help boost your well-being.
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” Winston Churchill
Doing it all
How can we release these endorphins, boost our emotions, and still support our loved ones whilst staying true to ourselves and reducing the stress and anxiety we feel by trying to please everyone? Read on, the answer is easier than the question…
The belief that we need to keep everyone happy at Christmas can take its toll, especially when friends and family have grand expectations and never-ending requests.
Whilst the science behind the helpers high shows a benefit in happiness if the help and support, we give triggers a stress response; we need to find a balance between giving to others and keeping ourselves happy.
You can do both, or you can just focus on your needs, or you can focus on others. However, the question remains, what will make you happy? Who are you responsible for, and what will make them happy?! Bundling children in a car, to take them for a Christmas day with distant relatives (and none of their new toys), just as they have opened their stockings will most likely not make your children happy. You may argue that you are teaching your children to put the needs of others first. However, science says that we need to be happy first to support others to happiness. Is it being selfish, or is it filling your cup first so you can fill others?
Your opinion matters, your belief matters, and your happiness matters. Looking back at your list once again, what will your ideal Christmas look like? Do you need to add anything?
There is no right or wrong
As I said earlier, you cannot keep everyone happy.
This is your life, your happiness, your Christmas. If you find yourself in a situation where you do not enjoy Christmas because you feel you must spend the time with someone who makes you feel anxious or unhappy. Perhaps it is time to change tradition. If you have a family member who becomes abusive after they have had a few too many drinks, and ends up ruining every family occasion, perhaps it is time to distance yourself and start something new.
The truth is we all want and expect different things. Once we realise this, it is easier to stop trying to keep everyone happy. What I want to do over the Christmas period, is very different to what my best friend wants to do, and that is OK. We are all different and unique. Everyone has an opinion, which is based on several factors including, their emotions, biases and past experiences.
Last year, one of my clients called me up, “I have just given my staff half a day off, for free, to do their Christmas shopping. I don’t understand, some of them were happy, and others did not stop complaining. You would have thought I had told them they had to work an extra half day, for no more money. What did I do wrong?” There is no simple answer, and it is demoralising when you try to do something nice that is greeted with animosity and resentment. A few things that could have made more of a positive impact are;
My client had given set days and times for people to take their free hours. This was necessary for planning to ensure enough staff were in the office to ensure the customers not impacted. However, someone was given a morning off when they were already scheduled to come in late, whilst someone else was given a Monday off when it was their birthday on the Tuesday. A little more attention to the time given, when and to whom could have made all the difference.
Better still, give staff the autonomy to choose – there are 10 slots available, take your preferred slot, let me know and if you need to change – swap around between you.
Before giving everyone their time off, explain why the dates and times have been arranged, the rationale behind the gift and that this time off cannot be swapped for money (yes someone did ask)
Understand that you will not please everyone, the majority will be delighted and that needs to be good enough. A member of staff called in sick on the day they were meant to be taking their free half-day and asked my client for extra time off. Knowing how to respond alleviates any bad feelings, anger or guilt!
The time is now!
Start a new tradition, or keep with an old one, only you will know what you want to do over Christmas this year and in the future. The past few years have been tricky to navigate. Maybe you want to host the party of your life on Christmas Eve and nurse a hangover all day on Christmas Day! You might be the person who always cooks dinner for your whole and extended family, but this year you want a simple Christmas Day dinner with just you and your partner ‒ why not! Could you suggest visiting your family during the day, or seeing them on Boxing Day instead? Or perhaps this year you want to fill your house with friends and family ‒ then do it! What if you want to go away with friends and have a BBQ on the beach in Spain ‒ then do it! If these past few years have taught us anything, it is that the time is now, you have one life, what do you want to do this Christmas?
Change the script, live in your shoes not the shoes of someone else.
My top tips on how to have the best Christmas
Journal your ideal Christmas
Take some time to complete the exercise I mentioned earlier ‒ journal your ideal Christmas and plan how you can do the things that will make you happy.
Spread things out ‒ give yourself some downtime
I hear so often people sharing how they have crammed so much into the Christmas period, squeezing visit after visit after visit into one day! It is so common for people to say, “I have come back to work for a rest.” Make sure you say yes to the things that give you joy, see the important people, and politely decline an invitation that is going to give you stress and no time for yourself! If you need to, book a date with yourself and an enjoyable book ‒ that way when you decline an invitation you have a legitimate important date in your diary!
Learn to say no!
You do not have to say yes to everything. Every invitation that comes your way does not have to be accepted. Ask yourself; is it something you want to do, have time to do, and does it align with your family's plan? If the answer is yes, accept. If the answer is no, decline it. I will share a secret with you, you don't even have to give an explanation as to why you are declining! Just politely decline by saying “I am so sorry, but I cannot make it.”
Put the kids first
If you are lucky enough to have kids in your life, embrace the magic of Christmas. It does not last forever. Ask yourself, what would your kids love to do? Aside from flying to meet Father Christmas in Lapland if money will not allow! Chances are they will want to spend the day surrounded by their family, playing with their new gifts, and playing fun games! Their happiness will be infectious, enjoy the time watching them whilst surrounded by the magic of Christmas.
Set expectations
Be open and honest with people, if you are planning to serve a curry instead of a Christmas Dinner, tell people. If you want to have people over for breakfast but want to have a quiet and intimate Christmas dinner, set the expectation and be honest. People will be happier if they know your plans so they can make their plans. If you need your staff to book holiday in advance, let them know.
If you know Christmas is going to be hard ‒ arrange some fun activities
Revisit your ideal Christmas list and make arrangements to have fun. Schedule fun events that you can look forward to and invite people you love spending time with.
Plan in advance things you enjoy
I am a very last-minute planner; I find planning so difficult. However, by planning just a few activities from my ideal Christmas list, I know that there are some activities I will not miss out on because of my lack of planning! People do get booked up over Christmas, so if you want to see someone special ‒ make arrangements in advance.
Do something different
If you find Christmas draining and hard work, do something different! Revisit your journal and plan a new tradition. If it does not work this year, plan something different for next year!
Volunteer
Get on board with Helper's High; volunteer and help others who need you. There will be many charities in your local area looking for volunteers. Ask your preferred search engine for local volunteering opportunities over Christmas.
Forget the unimportant things
It is extremely easy to consume ourselves with things that are not important. Remember the important things, stick to your values, and remember what makes you happy. Spend time making memories.
Make new traditions
The time is now, you do not have to stick with old, historic, and outdated traditions if they do not make you happy. Start new traditions and create a Christmas you love and enjoy!
Plan for next year
Your ideal Christmas list might include things that logistically you cannot arrange for this year. Why not start planning for next year's Christmas?
If you would like a method to help you get through the Christmas Holidays, you can read about the A-F method by Dr Dunni Atalabi in her article, How To Prevent The Dreaded Holiday Dysfunction.
Concluding thoughts
I hope I have provided you with some inspiration and some ideas. Your happiness is so very important, both in your personal life and in business. Christmas is not only a time to see friends and family, to celebrate the meaning of Christmas but it is also a time to rest and recharge. Please make sure you, your staff, colleagues and friends rest and recharge, have fun and enjoy.
Until next time,
Tamzin
Tamzin Hall, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tamzin is a performance psychology coach specialising in leadership development and executive coaching.
Weaving a golden thread of empowerment, happiness and compassion. Tamzin partners with her clients to create high-performing organisations through their biggest asset, their people.
Tamzin seamlessly combines decades of leadership & business experience, with a lifetime of learning in the field of businesses and psychology along with ICF-accredited coach training and a recent BSc (Hons) in Psychology to give her clients exactly what they need. A high-performing organisation with happy and dedicated staff.
The harsh reality is 79% of employees will quit after receiving inadequate appreciation from their managers. Do you know what empowering appreciation looks like? Tamzin shows you and your leaders how to appreciate your staff for longevity.
69% of employees are concerned that their workplace does not develop their leadership skills. How can businesses lead from the front if leaders are not trained to be the next generation of leaders? Tamzin has a toolkit of support, development and training to ensure people are developed and ready for the future. To ensure they are ready to evolve and ready to lead with empowerment.
Businesses are acknowledging the importance of leadership development with 83% of companies saying it is crucial. Which is great news. But there is a huge gap in knowing leadership development is important and having a development programme to support a business. Tamzin bridges this gap.
Is your business ready to evolve?
Are you ready to develop the next generation of leaders?
Are you ready to lead from a place of empowerment?
Are you ready to create a high-performing culture?
Email Tamzin today, tamzin@tamzinhallcoaching.co.uk.
