Written by: Shellie Wilson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
More than five decades. 52 years to be exact. That’s how long it took me to break up with myself. It is said that our lives are a reflection of our choices, and I had made some really good ones, but also some really poor ones. They all led me to my tipping point on a cold sub-zero day.
My life had completely evolved from my role as a corporate executive where I had been only 10 years earlier. Here I was. A stay-at-home, yoga pant wearing mom. I had no sense of who I was anymore. I was feeling completely lost and lacked passion and purpose. I had zero confidence (although I always made it look like I was confident when I was in public). I felt like I had a ton of labels stuck to me, all competing for a position: divorced and re-married, orphaned, mom, wife, “former” executive; but I was completely lacking any sense of who I was.
I wanted to live a life of purpose. I wanted to make a difference in other people’s lives. I wanted to be “seen” by others. I was living in a pandemic, stuck in my house, hadn’t seen my friends in weeks, and was simply done. I was broken. I had been barraged by my limiting beliefs for months. All my past failures were constantly circling through my brain and attacking me head on. I wanted to feel happy and fulfilled. I wanted my husband to be proud of me, and to be a good example for my daughter of a strong and confident woman, but I felt like I was getting farther and farther away from that.
About six months prior to this tipping point, a friend had reached out to me to tell me about a personality assessment she had completed, and how it had helped her change how she felt about herself. I trusted her, so I took the assessment, read through what felt like a thousand pages, and put it in a filing cabinet, where it would sit for another six months.
Here I now sat. We were now a full year into a pandemic, it was a -40 degree winter day, and I had nothing but time on my hands. I was cruising through social media and saw an ad for a free webinar to help people understand that assessment that I had done 6 months before, and I was intrigued, so I registered for it. Looking back, as a woman of faith, I can tell you with certainty that I was supposed to be at this webinar. I was meant to spend the time understanding what my assessment said.
I was following along, listening to my strengths being explained in detail when I found myself overcome with emotion, and I began to weep. I had done many personality assessments in my decades of being in human resources, but this one was different. This one was incredibly detailed, getting specific about behaviours and attitudes. My own report described me in such incredible detail, that for the first time, I felt like someone actually understood me.
I learned that all of that “dreaming” I had been doing for years, was because my number one strength was futuristic. It was completely natural for me to always look ahead – to plan and to dream. I discovered that I was misusing my maximizer strength on my family, and because of that, at times I made them feel like nothing they did was good enough. Once I learned how to use it properly, it changed how I interacted with them. My biggest shock was when I discovered how my relator strength affected my outside relationships. I had always felt like the “left out” mom. We had moved around to a few different cities, and wherever we lived, I felt like an outsider. I wasn’t included in things with the other moms – I felt alone and excluded. Having a relator as a strength means that I am not one for “small talk”. It means I need a tight-knit inner circle – a small group of people that I trust explicitly, and where I can go “deep” very quickly. I recognized that all these mom groups I had tried to get into were typically people who were just looking for easy relationships, not where they had to dig deep. Understanding this allowed me to let go of that limiting belief I had been carrying for years that I wasn’t a good friend, and that people didn’t like me. Through the process of understanding my strengths, I discovered WHO I was, and that I was phenomenal.
Something monumental had happened for me. I shed my former self. I stopped lying to myself about what a failure I was. I walked taller and prouder and owned who I was for the first time in my life. I broke up with that old version of myself – the one that revelled in past failures and mistakes, and I emerged as a confident woman who knew what she was good at and I knew I wanted to help others feel the same way.
My intense learning journey had begun. I created a proclamation and framed it, detailing my strengths, so that I could remind myself every day of who I was. I joined an intensive course to learn how to become a strengths coach so that I could help other people understand their own strengths. I started reading more and more books on personal development and felt myself getting stronger and began to see a significant shift in my mindset. I no longer saw that girl who was broken, I saw a leader who was ready to walk alongside others and help them live the lives of their dreams.
I joined the most respected leadership organization in the world, honed my coaching skills and began being mentored by the absolute best leaders around. I began coaching individuals. I started Mastermind groups, where I could walk with others through a journey of transformation for their own lives.
My relationships with my family and my friends began to blossom. I could be fully present, and not worry about what others were thinking of me. All the old labels that I saw on myself every day had been replaced with new labels: Entrepreneur, Community Leader, Coach, Mentor, World Changer. These new labels have been ingrained into my soul and I strive to live them out fully every single day.
My journey has been transformative and has changed me to my core. Personal growth is in my DNA. We practice it in our family. We are teaching our daughter how to be a leader and giving her the tools to equip her in a world that so desperately needs good leadership. I now take the time to reflect before I act. I am very conscious of my character and how I present myself. I have new courage to take what I have learned to the masses and I can communicate with confidence.
Breaking up with myself was not easy. As strange as it sounds, there was a level of comfort in staying surrounded by my baggage. Leaving your comfort zone is hard. Personal growth is harder. Focusing on self-awareness caused pain, but when I persisted, that pain became purpose, and that purpose fuelled my passion.
Author Alan Cohen said, “You must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny”.
I believe this wholeheartedly. To live the life that you were created to live – to discover your passion and purpose – requires us to be students of personal growth. We need to understand that growth is not a one-time event, but it is a process. It is a life-long process where we become more refined with each passing day. Where are you right now? Are you living the life of your dreams, or are you barely existing? Are you confused, or are you living your purpose? Do you have clarity for your future, or are you walking lost down a random path.
I encourage you to discover who you are. Take an assessment to discover your strengths, gifts and talents. Surround yourself with like-minded people who are focused on growth – without this, you will struggle. Look for people who will encourage you and lift you up. Join a mastermind group that focuses on personal growth. Then, say goodbye to your former self, and take the time to become that Phoenix that rises from the ashes. No one else can do this for you. It is your time, my friend. Time to become all that you were destined to be.
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Shellie Wilson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shellie Wilson is a sought-after transformational leadership coach, trainer and speaker who helps individuals and teams to collaborate at a world-class level so that they can increase their results. She is passionate about leading people to discover, maximize, and lead with their strengths while offering advanced strategies for them to achieve higher levels of performance. Shellie is a Maxwell Leadership Certified Member, Youth Facilitator and a Maxwell DISC Behavioural Analysis Trainer. Through individual and group coaching and Mastermind groups, Shellie partners with individuals as they develop a clear vision for their lives and embark on the journey toward a life of significance and transformation.
