Veronica is a Holistic Trauma Specialist. She is a qualified BodyTalk Practitioner, qualified TRE Provider and utilises quantum field talk therapy to help her clients address and understand trauma, and how it manifests in their body (physically, mentally and emotionally).
Someone you love needs help, you rush to help them. Pretty simple, right? Not so much, help and rescue are far from simple and often have very grey lines. So let’s define help. Example 1. A family member cannot pay his car installment. He has been working tirelessly to advance his own career, while studying part time and the company just retrenched their newest employees. You are in a position to help financially and offer to cover the car installments for a few months while they get back on track. Example 2. Your family member cannot pay his rent. It was going to be missed. Again. After frivolous spending, night outs and an uncommitted work ethic, he does not have the money to cover his rent. You are concerned he won’t have a place to stay, you feel sorry for him (maybe there are other issues in his life), you are in a position to help financially so you offer to help out. Except the help runs on for a few years.
Did you help your family member in both examples?
No. you helped in the first one, and you rescued in the second.
To define genuine help, that helps someone out a sticky situation, for a limited time until they are able to act independently again let us ask another question. Do my actions enable or disable this person from doing this for themselves in the near future? Are you enabling, as per the first example. You are helping a family member who is going through a rough patch while he does everything he can to get back onto his feet. Or are you disabling, as per the second example, where you are providing assistance to him in a way that is guised as “help” but in fact what is created is a co- dependent dynamic. Co-dependency steals a person’s power, growth and will in fact stunt their ability to live as a fully developed individual… emotionally, mentally, financially, socially, intimately and even physically.
Help is not clean cut, and it is often skewed in the eyes of the helper. When it is not genuine help, that allows for support and thus independent growth; it can be considered rescuing.
What is healthy help?
Let’s start with healthy support that results in healing and long lasting growth and independence for both parties involved. Helping someone is a gift. You have supported them in an area of their life, where they needed help the most and as a result, you have in effect carried them through their turbulence. In a healthy situation, they would have grown and emerged stronger, wiser and with more humility. This is help, it is imperative in the world, be in within a family structure, community, or on a global level. How do we help in a healthy way? Through guidance and support where needed, particularly emotional. Think of a child learning to mix colors. You assist them with the paintbrush if they are a young kid who physically needs the help, you guide them as they themselves combine yellow and blue so they can see for themselves what color it makes. You are not helping the child if you do all of the above for them, they will not learn and will not get to experience that task. This is a basic example, but the principle carries through to any relationship and dynamic into adulthood. Help is so important in so many ways, but it must always carry the ethos of enabling the individual.
Rescue energy does not rescue
Rescue energy refers to the energy that is entwined with the act of rescuing. It is often fueled by a deep desire to do something for an individual that they are fully capable of doing for themselves; or in a child’s case that they should be learning (you should be guiding them) to do themselves. Please note: if they are not capable of doing it themselves it is help and not rescue. Rescue holds an emotional energy of desperation to fix; and a mental energy of control or entitlement on the part of the rescuer. I.e.: they have a right to fix things in your life for you. This is not to say all who rescue are conscious of this, many operate their entire lives thinking it is help and it is their place to speak on behalf of others. Nevertheless, the impact is the same.
The impact of constantly rescuing someone
1. Emotional effect
Emotionally, this stunts the EQ of the individual who is being constantly rescued. Your emotional understanding of the world around you, be it in a work, social or intimate setting is learnt by experience. When one sweeps in so you avoid that discomfort, you are in effect robbed of that growth. Over time this will have a cumulative effect and you miss critical stages of development. Understanding complex emotions and emotional situations are necessary, especially when it comes to relationships, marriage and intimacy. Think of emotions like a muscle, you need to exercise it to develop it. If one has been spared learning to navigate these complex situations, one may lack the wisdom and could very well miss out on these very necessary and fulfilling interactions later on in life.
2. Physical effect
Physically, synapses (the junction between two nerves cells) form when new things are done. This not only relates to learning a new skill, from learning how to walk or talk a new language, but learning how to deal with a variety, sometimes hard physical, mental and emotional situations. Again when one is denied the opportunity to walk through these situations themselves, these synapse will not be given the opportunity to form.
3. Mental effect
When an individual does not deal with things themselves, and has someone solving all their problems for them, the message they are getting, even unconsciously is that they cannot do it themselves. This is especially true for kids, as all information received under the age of 7 is seen at truth in the child’s mind. Example… a mom is baking and a little 6-year-old wants to join, she is curious and excited and full of wonder. The mom starts baking then does it all for the little girl. Once off – no problem, but replay this scenario continuously every time baking occurs, what happens? The child stops trying or doesn’t want to learn anymore, she has received a message that she cannot do it herself. This message doesn’t go away as the child grows, it will be reinforced over the adolescent years should this dynamic continue.
We can see that this can cause long term problems and weaken that individual’s ability to uphold themselves. They may not be able to firstly, fully express themselves and secondly, have the confidence in themselves to move out of their comfort zone and interact with the world around them. In addition, where one person is always “helping” (read rescue) it can lay the foundation for a co-dependent relationship.
This is not to say one should just leave a loved one or work colleague to fend for themselves. We should always strive to help one another, this is how individuals and societies develop and prosper. It is rather that we should be conscious of not doing too much for an individual what they are capable of doing for themselves, and we should be aware of what it may in fact cost that individual in future.
Rescue roles
When one constantly tries to “help” (rescue), we can feel the energy of desperation and desire to fix things within that individual. To delve deeper, that deep need to help or save everyone more than likely stems from that individual’s unmet needs in earlier on in life. Hence this plays out later in life and can sit hand in hand with the desire to be seen. It plays a big role in the parent/children dynamic.
On the other side, those who have experienced being rescued over time will generally react in one of two opposing ways.
Firstly, to push back and rebel in an attempt to gain control over their lives (this can be a healthy response if done consciously and with introspection).
Secondly to remain in the cocoon of “protection”. We see a lot of fairytale fantasy here (prince coming to rescue the princess), where one is waiting to be swept away again. As opposed to taking responsibility, making the necessary and usually hard choices to gain an independent and confident sense of self.
Part of conscious living, conscious parenting and shedding trauma layers includes looking at oneself honestly. Life is a mirror and we recycle our experiences until we become conscious of them. Do you have tendencies to rescue, are you unconsciously looking to be rescued? It is not about judgment, but the awareness of oneself so we can work through the layers.
Drop the judgment
Again, this is not about judgment. To judge a person (boss, parent, friend etc.) for rescuing or sitting waiting to be rescued is not going to help anyone move forward. Blames plays into the victimization mentality. This is about bringing to one’s awareness what they themselves are doing. It is purely the awareness of cause and effect behind rescuing and what sits within that rescue energy.
The best gift you can give someone is the freedom to be themselves, a way in which to do that is to actually allow them to be themselves (without interference), and that includes stepping back from rescuing. People grow and flourish when they are nourished with support, and are feel confident that those closest to them know that they are competent and able to deal with situations themselves. We cannot create an environment for anyone to flourish (in a personal, work or social situation) if we are constantly in their way. Do you have a tendency to be in someone way? Are you in a rescue rut? Let’s unpack this, judgment free.
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Read more from Veronica di Muro Merchak
Veronica di Muro Merchak, Holistic Trauma Specialist
Veronica has a unique approach to trauma as Holistic Trauma Specialist. She combines her personal experience, her academic qualifications, her professional experience, and her in depth intuitive understanding of people to help them navigate their individual situations. An important focus of hers, is to empower her clients so they understand how trauma was received by their individual body and above all; how it is possible to move forward, in an unapologetic and gracefully powerful way.
