Written by Nina Izel, Healer, Teacher, and Author
Nina Izel is a well-known pioneer in the psychedelic healing field; she is the founder of Avatar Healing Arts, the author of the book Heart Medicine, Ayahuasca Assisted Therapy and the Integration Process, and the host of the podcast Ayahuhsca Avatars.
Let’s get brutally honest about the emotional baggage you carry from your parents and how it’s secretly destroying your chances at real love. Buckle up for some truth-telling that might just change your entire perspective on relationships.
The uncomfortable truth about parental influence
Your first relationship begins in the womb with your mother. Your second significant relationship? Your father. These early interactions aren’t just casual encounters; they’re the foundational blueprint for every romantic connection you’ll ever have. Think of them as your relationship DNA, a complex code of emotional patterns, communication styles, and deep-seated fears that you’ll unconsciously carry into every future partnership.
The toxic dance of masculine and feminine energy
Imagine growing up in a home where safety, nurturing, and emotional well-being are distant, impossible dreams. Whether you’re dealing with an abusive father or an overbearing mother, the psychological impact is far greater than you may think.
Toxic masculine energy
Aggressive control that suffocates your spirit
Uses threats and intimidation
Constant criticism that erodes your self-worth
This isn’t just bad parenting; this is abusive behavior. The toxic masculine doesn’t protect, it conquers. It doesn’t guide, it dominates. Every harsh word, every unpredictable outburst becomes a lesson teaching you that love is about control, not connection.
An abusive, toxic father is violent, exercises extreme control over your life, is unpredictable, and often uses shame to manipulate you.
Do you recognize these toxic phrases?
"You are so stupid, you will never amount to anything. You are a disappointment to me."
"I brought you into this world. I can take you out. You’re nothing without me. I own you."
Daughters of toxic fathers
Safety is a basic human need, and when a woman doesn’t feel safe around men because of an abusive father, she will unconsciously push away every potential partner, ending up alone and forever longing.
On top of that, she will unconsciously program herself to believe that all men are like her father, a potential threat, filtered through the lens of childhood trauma. Not surprisingly, she will often choose men like her father despite wanting something different.
This is what I call Catch-22:
A perpetual state of fear as a default setting
An inability to trust and receive masculine energy
A subconscious belief that all men are inherently dangerous
A self-sabotaging pattern of repeating the same mistakes
Toxic feminine energy
Neediness and demanding behavior
Passive-aggressiveness, using guilt as a weapon
Emotional instability
Invasive monitoring
The toxic feminine doesn’t nurture; it consumes. It doesn’t support; it suffocates. When boys grow up with toxic mothers, they live in constant anxiety, always trying to please them. A toxic mother loves putting her nose into everything, monitoring you constantly, and using guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation. She believes that invading your personal space and invalidating your feelings is her right and an expression of love.
Do you recognize these toxic phrases?
"After everything I’ve done for you. No one will ever love you like I do."
"Only I know what’s best for you. Stop being so sensitive."
Sons of overbearing mothers
Safety is a basic human need, and when a man doesn’t feel safe around women because of an abusive mother, he will unconsciously push away every potential partner, ending up alone.
On top of that, he’ll unconsciously program himself to believe that all women are like his mother, potentially unstable, filtered through the lens of childhood trauma. Not surprisingly, he will often choose women like his mother, despite wanting something different.
This creates:
A constant, gnawing anxiety to please
A deep-seated distrust of feminine energy
A subconscious belief that all women are crazy
A self-sabotaging pattern of repeating the same mistakes
Your healing roadmap
1. Awareness is the key
You have to recognize what was unhealthy and not loving in the past, and you have to heal your relationship with your parents. This doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life, but you do need to find a way to let go of the past and create peace within yourself so you can move on.
Confronting your past with your parents, healing childhood trauma
Setting clear and healthy boundaries
Learning about healthy feminine and masculine expression
2. Therapy: Non-negotiable
Yes, I’m calling it out. Therapy isn’t optional, it’s vital for creating healthy relationships.
Once you’ve found peace, forgiveness, acceptance, and deeper understanding, and learned what healthy and toxic behaviors are, then maybe, you’ll be able to trust in women and men again to create healthy and loving relationships.
Recover trust and let go of the past
Establish emotional independence
Gain more clarity and move forward with ease
3. Redefine healthy relationships
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family where abuse gets normalized and justified, you need to learn later what a healthy relationship looks like.
Traits of a healthy and loving relationship
1. Mutual respect
Respect isn’t just a fancy word; it’s the oxygen of a relationship. When mutual respect exists, you’re not trying to change each other but rather celebrating each other’s unique essence.
Honoring each other’s boundaries
Valuing individual autonomy
No manipulation or control tactics
2. Emotional safety
Emotional safety is like a bulletproof vest for your heart. It’s about creating a sacred space where vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a superpower, where you can share your deepest fears, wildest dreams, and most embarrassing moments without fear of judgment or ridicule. This safe haven is the foundation where trust grows and love can flourish.
Creating a judgment-free zone
Allowing vulnerability
Providing consistent emotional support
3. Non-violent communication
Communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about creating a bridge between two souls. It means having the courage to speak your truth, even when your voice shakes, and the humility to listen with genuine curiosity and empathy.
Honesty and active listening
Expressing feelings without fear
4. Balanced power dynamics
This means no one is constantly trying to one-up the other or maintain control. Instead, you make decisions together, support each other’s growth, and recognize that true strength comes from collaboration, not domination.
Cooperation
Shared decision-making
5. Personal growth
A healthy relationship is a greenhouse for personal evolution, not a cage that limits potential. Your partner becomes your greatest cheerleader, not your biggest obstacle.
Supporting personal goals
Celebrating each other’s achievements
6. Genuine intimacy
Intimacy goes far beyond physical touch; it’s about radical authenticity and deep emotional connection. It means being seen completely, with all your scars and shadows, and still being loved and accepted unconditionally.
Deep connection and mutual care
Trust and transparency
7. Healthy conflict resolution
Conflict isn’t the enemy of love; it’s an opportunity for growth. Healthy couples navigate conflicts with respect, empathy, and a commitment to understanding rather than winning.
Active participation
Collaborative problem-solving
Unlock your divine feminine and masculine with plant medicine
Plant medicines like ayahuasca offer a profound pathway to deep emotional healing. These ancient ceremonial medicines provide a radical opportunity to confront, process, and ultimately transmute generational trauma at its root. Ayahuasca, in particular, acts as a powerful psychological mirror, allowing individuals to process their childhood wounds with unprecedented clarity and compassion.
During an ayahuasca ceremony, you can experience:
Reconnecting with your inner child
Experiencing unconditional love and forgiveness
Gaining profound insights into family dynamics
Releasing deep-seated emotional blockages
Understanding the intergenerational transmission of trauma
An effective path to healing
The medicine doesn’t just show you your wounds; it illuminates the path to healing. When you work with plant medicine like ayahuasca, you create an opportunity to break old patterns of emotional dysfunction. You become a conscious cycle-breaker, healing not just yourself but your entire lineage. This journey is about radical personal empowerment and the revolutionary act of choosing love over the pain you inherited.
In my program, Ayahuasca-Assisted Therapy, we uproot suffering, heal relationships, transform pain into love, and create breakthrough results. Connect with me for a free consultation!
Read more from Nina Izel
Nina Izel, Healer, Teacher, and Author
Nina Izel helps people to heal and change their life with psychedelic-assisted therapy. She is passionate about self-discovery and self-empowerment and she believes that you are the healer and love is the medicine. Her mission is to support, educate and guide people regarding the safe, responsible and effective use of sacred plant medicines for healing and awakening.
