Written by Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other.
When life gets intense, it’s easy to feel like you're losing your grip. The thing is, what most people don’t realize is that stress doesn’t just bring up what’s happening right now—it drags up every similar experience you’ve had in the past. It’s like you’re trying to drive through a storm, but the backseat is filled with younger versions of yourself, all crying out, feeling the same pain, fear, or anger they did years ago. And suddenly, you're not just dealing with the present—you’re managing a whole chorus of voices from the past.
This is where things get tricky. When you’re in a heightened state of stress, all these parts of you—the wounded child, the frustrated adolescent, the insecure young adult—come to life. They’re not bad parts, but they’re scared. They remember how it felt when you weren’t equipped to handle the chaos, and they assume nothing has changed. That’s why, when stress hits, you feel like you're being pulled in a dozen directions at once. It’s not just the external situation—it’s the internal noise from all those parts of you that are struggling.
And it doesn’t stop there. Your body also remembers. It stores the feelings from those earlier times—fear, anxiety, anger—and it brings them forward into the present. Your heart races, your chest tightens, and it feels like you're back in that old place, reliving it all over again. Your body doesn’t know that you’ve moved on, that you're older, wiser, and stronger. It’s still reacting to the past as if it’s happening right now.
But here’s the thing—you have moved on. You’re at a different stage in your life. You’ve gained new skills, deeper awareness, and—hopefully—you’ve built a support system around you. You’re no longer that child or adolescent who felt lost and overwhelmed. You’ve developed, and that’s what makes all the difference. But those younger parts of you don’t know that yet.
The way forward isn’t to fight or ignore those parts. It’s to listen. To recognize that they’re there for a reason. They’re trying to protect you in the only way they know how, based on experiences from long ago. This is where self-leadership comes in. It’s what I like to call self-fathering—showing up for those younger parts of yourself with the compassion and understanding they’ve always needed.
You see, those parts of you need to know that they’re not alone anymore. They need to know that you are in the driver’s seat today and are capable of handling what’s going on. You’re not that lost child or confused teenager anymore. You’ve grown, and it’s your responsibility to let them know that. When you acknowledge those parts, when you sit with them and listen, you’re stepping into the role of an inner leader. You’re bringing them the reassurance and stability they’ve been craving for years.
This is the heart of what it means to navigate stress as a leader—not just externally, but internally. When you show up for yourself this way, you take control of the chaos inside. You start to realize that these younger parts of you are valuable, not because they should be running the show, but because they have something to say. They need your attention. They need your presence. And when you give them that, the stress starts to shift.
You are no longer at the mercy of your past. You are capable of leading yourself through whatever comes your way. And as you do that inner work, you’ll find that your capacity to lead others grows, too. Because real leadership doesn’t start with managing external circumstances—it starts with taking responsibility for what’s happening inside. That’s where the real strength lies.
So the next time stress hits, remember: you’ve developed. You’re not who you were. You have the power to listen to those younger parts and guide them, just as you would guide someone else who’s struggling. And in doing that, you reclaim your authority—not just as a leader of others, but as a leader of yourself.
One of the fathers I coached, let’s call him Steve, owns a successful media agency. He’s built the company from the ground up, and he’s proud of it, but as any business owner knows, that pride comes with pressure. Recently, a major client pulled out of a multi-million dollar contract at the last minute, sending shockwaves through his business. At home, he was already dealing with a different kind of pressure—his two young kids, and particularly his youngest, who seemed to be waging a nightly battle against sleep. No matter what Steve and his wife tried, bedtime turned into a power struggle, adding another layer of stress to an already shaky situation.
When Steve reached out to me, he felt like his world was falling apart. He described it as if the ground was shifting under his feet. He wasn’t just worried about his business; it was bigger than that. The lost client triggered old fears he thought he had outgrown—fears about financial insecurity from his early years, when money was tight, and he worried about losing everything. It was as if he was right back in that place, unsure if he’d be able to hold it all together.
As we talked, it became clear that Steve wasn’t just dealing with the current problem—he was also contending with the weight of the past. The stress of his sleepless child and the lost contract weren’t just external issues; they were igniting old fears from when he first started his business. The feeling of instability that haunted him then had come roaring back, like those younger parts of himself were stepping into the room, hijacking his present with the worries of his past.
I asked him to pause for a moment, take a breath, and recognize what was happening. I explained that these old fears were parts of him that needed attention. They weren’t bad—they were protective parts that had helped him survive in the past. But they didn’t know that Steve was different now, that he had grown into a successful business leader who had built a thriving company. They still believed he was that younger man, fighting to make ends meet.
Through our work together, Steve learned to step into his role as the leader of his internal world, not just his external one. He began to sit with those younger parts of himself, recognizing their fear but also reminding them that things were different now. He wasn’t struggling the way he used to, and he had developed the skills and awareness to weather the storm.
As he embraced this inner leadership, this Self-Fathering, something remarkable happened. The chaos he felt inside started to settle. He began to show up differently, not only for himself but for his kids. Bedtime with his youngest became less of a battle as Steve realized that his own unsettled energy was feeding into the tension. He learned to approach those challenging moments with the same compassion and strength he was offering to his younger self.
And when it came to the lost client, Steve took a deep breath and trusted that he had the tools to navigate it. He no longer let the fear of financial struggle overwhelm him because he knew he had grown beyond that chapter of his life. He wasn’t just the man who built the business—he was now the man who could sustain it, even when the ground felt shaky.
As a leader, stressful situations can quickly escalate into moments where you feel overwhelmed and unable to see clearly. Whether it’s a major client backing out of a deal or mounting pressure from your team, stress doesn’t just impact your decision-making in the moment—it can also activate old fears and insecurities from earlier in your career or life. The key to navigating these moments lies not just in managing the external circumstances but in understanding and leading your inner world.
A practical guide for leaders to bring clarity and control during high-pressure times
1. Pause and identify what’s really going on
When stress hits, it’s easy to feel consumed by the immediate crisis. But what’s often happening is that current stressors are triggering earlier points in your life or career. This is where leaders often get derailed—the past and present blur together, and it’s difficult to make clear, decisive choices. I've seen this with the start-up founder and seasoned C-level executive, especially the 50-year-old executive with a first kid who is balancing the stress of early parenthood and a volatile boardroom.
Action step:
Pause and assess the situation. Ask inside: What am I really responding to here? Are there echoes of past challenges or insecurities amplifying the stress? This moment of reflection helps you differentiate between the current situation and past fears, providing the clarity needed to address the real issue.
2. Recognize the different parts of your experience
During times of high stress, different parts of yourself—the young professional eager to prove themselves, the manager who once feared failure, the early entrepreneur scrambling for stability, the sibling who didn't get any attention—may resurface. These parts carry their own fears and concerns, making it feel like multiple, often conflicting voices are trying to guide you.
Action step:
Take a moment to identify what these different parts are saying. Is the fear of losing a client rooted in a past experience of financial instability? Is the frustration with a team member tied to an old story of feeling unsupported? Write down these different voices, and recognize that they are parts of you, but they don’t define your current reality.
3. Acknowledge your current stage of development
Here’s a key point: You are not the same person you were when these old fears first emerged. You’ve gained new skills, experience, and knowledge. What often happens is that under stress, your mind reverts to outdated strategies and coping mechanisms. But the reality is, you’ve evolved, and you have the tools to handle this situation.
Action step:
Write down three specific ways you are different today than you were when you first encountered similar stress. For example, maybe you’ve built a solid team, or you now have a better understanding of how to manage client relationships. This exercise grounds you in the present, helping you respond from a place of strength rather than reactivity.
4. Lead yourself with compassion and clarity
Just as you lead your team with empathy and strength, you need to lead yourself in the same way. Under stress, it’s easy to be harsh on yourself, but great leadership starts within. When you take the time to understand what’s driving your reactions and show compassion toward your own internal struggles, you gain control over the situation.
Action step:
Treat yourself as you would a valued team member who’s struggling. What advice would you give? How would you support them through this challenge? Extend that same leadership and compassion inward. This is where you step into Self-Leadership, guiding yourself through the stress with clarity and purpose.
5. Take purposeful action
Once you’ve identified the stressors and calmed the internal noise, it’s time to take action. But it’s important that your actions align with the leader you’ve become and are not based on outdated fears. Taking purposeful, grounded steps allows you to shift from reaction to response, moving forward with confidence.
Action step:
Identify three specific actions you can take to address the situation. Whether it’s having a conversation with a client, setting clear priorities with your team, or even taking time to reset your own mindset, commit to taking one of those actions today. Purposeful action helps you regain control over the external situation while maintaining internal alignment.
In times of stress, it often feels as though the ground itself is shifting beneath your feet—like the very foundation you've built your life and career upon is no longer stable. But here’s the truth: stress isn’t just about the external pressures. The real challenge lies in how you navigate your inner world when chaos strikes. When stress hits, it activates deep-rooted parts of you, often formed in earlier, less capable stages of your life. And if you don’t confront those parts head-on, they will steer your actions and decision-making in ways that undermine the leader you’ve worked so hard to become.
The solution isn’t avoidance—it’s awareness. You have to pause, look inside, and recognize those younger, less developed parts of yourself that are reacting to the present crisis. Acknowledge their fear, their anxiety—but don’t let them run the show. You need to assert the authority of the person you are now, not the person you once were. Not with dominance or coercion but with courageous compassion. That’s the path to moving forward.
The best leaders don’t just manage their teams or companies—they lead themselves, especially through adversity. The ability to confront the chaos within, to bring order to your internal world, is what allows you to face external challenges with confidence and resolve. That’s the executive presence of a leader who thrives, no matter what the world throws at them.
Many of the men I coach struggle with this very concept of asserting authority—not with dominance or coercion, but with courageous compassion. And it’s no surprise why. Most didn’t have a healthy male role model growing up who demonstrated how to balance strength and tenderness, how to lead with both firmness and care. Instead, they grew up with male figures who were what I often describe as adolescents in adult skin. These men operated from a place of unresolved fear, confusing aggression for strength and control for leadership. They weren’t offering a model of true authority, but rather projecting their own insecurities in ways that caused more harm than guidance.
For these men, stepping into a healthy inner authority feels unfamiliar because the only models they have either bullied their way through life or retreated into passivity. But here’s what I tell them: you don’t have to follow that path. You get to break that cycle. Leading yourself with courageous compassion means recognizing the strength in being present, in bringing order not through force but through understanding. It’s about anchoring into the authority of who you are now—not the reactive boy you once were. And when you do that, you become the kind of leader your past role models never showed you how to be: someone who leads with decisive clarity, confidence, and endearing compassion.
You don’t have to follow that path. You get to break that cycle.
When you break free from the destructive patterns of authority that were handed down to you—patterns of dominance, avoidance, or emotional detachment—you aren’t just altering your own life. You’re altering the trajectory of your entire family lineage. Many of the men I coach come to understand this crucial point: by stepping into a new way of leading themselves—with a balance of strength and compassion—they become the turning point in their family’s history.
These patterns, these generational burdens, are not easy to break. They run deep. They are often etched into the very fabric of how you understand authority, leadership, and even love. But here’s the thing—when you take the responsibility to confront those patterns, to move beyond them, you do more than just improve your own situation. You become the ancestor who rewrites the story for future generations.
Think about that for a moment. You’re not just reacting to the present—you’re laying down the foundation for what’s to come. You’re stepping into a role that no one before you in your lineage had the courage, awareness, or capacity to fulfill. By breaking this cycle, you shift your family’s history from one of unresolved fear, emotional immaturity, and misguided strength to one that is rooted in true authority—one that integrates compassion, self-awareness, and discipline.
This doesn’t just change your life—it changes the lives of your children and their children. You become the figure they will look back on as the one who set a new standard for what it means to be a man, a father, and a leader. You become the cornerstone of a new legacy. You’re not just leading your family through today’s struggles—you’re shaping the future in a way that reverberates through generations.
In this sense, you’re not just making better decisions—you’re becoming the very ancestor who forged a new path, who had the strength to step into a new form of leadership that will echo long after you’re gone. That’s the weight of what’s at stake here, and it’s also the opportunity.
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Read more from Mark W. Guay
Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other. As an adoptee and survivor of childhood domestic violence, he leads with this approach: To really change our lives, we must heal the past and embrace the unknown. To do this, we need self-accountability, the courage to take decisive action, a community of support, and trust that doors will appear, leading us on our path.
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