Written by Reah R. Hagues, Relationship/Holistic Coach
Reah is a wife to Quintin and a mother to 5 humans and 3 pets. She is the daughter of Kim (or Ma to her) and a big sister to Raven.
“It took me years to acknowledge and especially understand the phrase “Mom Guilt.” Once I did, I was able to work on finding a cure to better myself in the future and forgive myself in the present. This article describes what “Mom Guilt” looks like, why we have it, why we conceal it, and how we can overcome it.”
What is mom guilt
The phrase “mom guilt” simply means feeling guilty for things you have done as a mother, whether they be in your control or beyond it. These things can be direct results of personal choices or they can have absolutely nothing to do with anything you did directly. The constant factor of “mom guilt” is that things happen, and you feel guilty. It can come from witnessing a negative experience of your child(ren), being told about it, or even causing it unintentionally or intentionally. As an almost forty-year-old woman, there are a lot of things I am reflecting on, working to correct, and learning how to navigate. “Mom guilt” has surely been one of them.
Why do I have mom guilt
Have you ever heard the phrase “we can’t control what we can’t control”? Is it one thing my therapy is working hard to instill in my brain? I mean, of course, I know that it is true. I physically cannot control things I cannot control. But, like many other things, it is not always easy to put into action the words you know to be true in your own head. We find ways to prove ourselves wrong, fight our own instincts with thoughts like “but if I had done this or that, that or this would not have happened” and while it may be true, absolutely and undeniably true, that our actions cause reactions, but it is still a fact that we cannot physically change the past. We cannot time travel and undo mistakes. It is also what makes the fact that allowing our past mistakes to negate our future choices, such a cold, hard, important fact.
Why do I conceal it
Like most things in life, when we have a negative emotion tied to it, we work to either hide it or change it. In this instance, if you are reading this article, you are probably trying to change it after spending time hiding it. Concealing a feeling tied to a negative emotion is natural, but as with
more other negative emotionally tied feelings,
How can I overcome it
Acknowledgement
Acknowledging the existence of “Mom Guilt” is the first step to successfully navigating it. Acknowledge that you have guilt related to things involving your children, whether you caused them or were even present or not.
Awareness
“Mom Guilt” is important to understand and navigate. If you did not perform the action directly, you have to acknowledge and understand that you did not execute it. If you did not assist in performing the action directly, it is not your fault. Suppose you caused a negative emotion or experience to your child(ren) but have since acknowledged your mistake and worked to avoid making the same mistake again. In that case, you are no longer at fault for your previously improved action/behavior. Becoming aware of the fact that you cannot hold yourself accountable for an action not performed by you is progress to letting yourself free from accountability.
Assistance
Seeking mental health assistance is always a good answer. If you have acknowledged and forgiven yourself for the mental beating you have inflicted upon yourself over it and still cannot move on, then it is time to seek professional help. Be proud of yourself for taking the time to heal with help. Parenting classes are also an option to learn tactics to prevent past mistakes from repeating themselves in the present and future. Never stop learning, never stop growing. For when we become stagnant in growth, is when we stop progressing. PubMed gives a little insight to professional definition and suggestions on dealing with parental guilt.
Achievement
Achieving your goals of acknowledging and healing from the guilt you have placed upon yourself is the fourth step in overcoming “Mom Guilt.” It doesn’t mean you stop holding yourself accountable; it just means that you allow yourself to practice self-love and accept the things you cannot change. You cannot go back in time, but you can correct the present in an attempt to be preventative in the future.
Reah R. Hagues, Relationship/Holistic Coach
Reah is a wife to Quintin and a mother to 5 humans and 3 pets. She is the daughter of Kim (or Ma to her) and big sister to Raven. Reah has earned multiple degrees, including a Bachelor's degree in Christian studies, a Master's degree in Psychology, a Master's degree in Holistic Mental Health and Wellness (with emphasis on family dynamics), and a Master's level certification in Life Coaching.
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