Written by Trina Zaragoza, Wellness Coach
Trina Zaragoza is a National Wellness Coach, Registered Nurse, and Energy Practitioner who blends holistic wellness with integrative coaching to help clients achieve personal empowerment. Focusing on mind-body connection and healing, she offers a unique approach and perspective to transformation and well-being.
Expectations are like invisible threads woven through the fabric of our daily lives. They shape our actions, guide us toward goals, and influence our relationships. But when reality doesn’t align with these idealized visions, those same threads can start to feel more like tangled knots. Creating friction, frustration, and disconnect. By exploring these interwoven threads, we can begin to understand the impact expectations have on our inner harmony and relationships. What if, instead of tightening the grip, we could loosen it and make space for real connection, fewer headaches, and maybe even a pleasant surprise or two?
Seeing expectations as energy
When we start shifting our perspective, expectations begin to look less like fixed outcomes and more like energetic projections. Built from our beliefs, past experiences, and assumptions, expectations often form a mental blueprint for how we think things “should” be. They’re our minds’ way of saying, “Look, here’s the plan. Let’s stick to it, please!” But life rarely follows our carefully laid blueprints, does it?
Some expectations can be helpful, giving us goals and motivating us. But they also limit us, affecting how we feel and react when things inevitably veer off-script. By viewing expectations as flexible mental constructs rather than rigid demands, we gain the power to question, adjust, or let them go when they’re holding us back. This shift opens us up to more possibilities, allowing us to engage with life and people with a bit more ease and a lot more grace.
The trap of unrealistic expectations
Expectations have a sneaky way of setting us up for disappointment. We often get our feelings hurt or, worse, feel downright annoyed when people and situations don’t fit our mental playbook. Let’s face it: when we carry around a fixed image of how things or people should be, we create standards that reality struggles to meet. This disconnect between expectancy and reality leads to a frustrating cycle of blame, resentment, and distance.
Consider this classic scenario: you’ve spent the week planning a special night out with your partner, imagining engaging conversation, laughter, and maybe a little romance. You’re picturing them hanging on your every word, soaking in the moment. But as soon as you sit down, they’re glued to their phone, checking emails or scrolling through the day’s headlines. Or maybe they’ve arrived with a cloud of stress from work, looking like they’d rather be home in their sweatpants. You’re left sitting there, wondering if their “effort meter” is even remotely calibrated the same way as yours.
In these moments, it’s easy to feel deflated, like your emotional investment didn’t yield the return you’d hoped for. It’s a classic clash of expectations: you’re envisioning connection, they’re in dopamine stimulation mode. And while we might be silently fuming, they’re probably oblivious to the unspoken “script” they’ve accidentally ignored. These situations are humbling reminders that while we’re busy counting on others to follow our lead, they’re often on completely different wavelengths.
The double-edged nature of expectations
Here’s the twist: the harder we try to mold others' reactions, the more those expectations act like boomerangs, delivering a reality check back to us. It’s as if life has a sense of humor, showing us just how often we get tangled up in our own emotional web. Sure, we may be on a self-improvement kick, ready to show up as the “best version” of ourselves, but everyone else has their own schedule for growth and it’s rarely synced up with ours.
How expectations impact our own growth
The same is true for our personal goals. When we hold a perfect image of our progress, like nailing every milestone exactly on schedule or achieving flawless results, the inevitable setbacks or detours can feel like failures. Rather than taking them in stride, we might lose motivation or abandon the goal entirely. In clinging to a specific outcome, we miss out on learning from the bumps along the way and celebrating the progress, however imperfect it may be.
I like to keep Thomas Edison’s wisdom in mind: “I haven’t failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Every time things go sideways, it’s a chance to gain a new perspective, refine our approach, and maybe even chuckle at ourselves. So, instead of treating unmet expectations as failures, let’s see them as friendly (if not-so-subtle) nudges guiding us toward what truly matters or sometimes life just giving us directions to a whole new adventure.
Rewiring the brain to release expectations
Changing our relationship with expectations isn’t just a matter of gritting our teeth and thinking differently; it’s about giving our brains a little remodel, tapping into neuroplasticity which is the brain’s amazing ability to create new pathways and break down outdated ones. When we start shifting how we handle expectations, we’re training our brains to build new habits that lean toward openness, flexibility, and acceptance rather than the usual “my way or the highway” approach. It’s like giving our minds a bit of a tune-up. Here’s how to recognize when expectations are calling the shots and how to rewire your brain to roll with life’s surprises.
1. Identifying expectations as they arise
The first step is to catch these threads before they lead us into the usual frustration loop. Take a moment to notice when you’re feeling annoyed, disappointed, or stressed about a situation or emotional reaction to someone’s response. These emotions are often the body's code word to you that an expectation is in play. Ask yourself: “What was I hoping would happen here?” or “What outcome am I holding onto?”
This self-reflection interrupts automatic reactions and builds awareness, which is essential for neuroplastic change. By consistently naming and calling out your expectations, you help your brain recognize patterns, making it easier to identify and tell them “no, no, no.”
2. Practicing flexible thinking
Once you’re aware of an expectation, practicing this flexible thinking helps open new mental pathways. You're digging new paths into the brain; it loves the path of least resistance. The more we do this, the more our brain wants to take the new path. Flexible thinking encourages the brain to explore different perspectives and outcomes rather than latching onto one “right” way. For example, if you expected a friend to react enthusiastically to a piece of news, but they seemed indifferent, pause and think: “Maybe they’re dealing with something today,” or “It’s possible they need more time to process.” Or it could be you need to clean the house and get a new friend.
This process doesn’t force you to ignore your feelings, but it opens the door to alternative interpretations, which helps release rigid thinking buttons. Each time you reframe a situation, you strengthen pathways in the brain that support openness and resilience, reinforcing a more fluid mindset.
3. Building new neural pathways with gratitude
Gratitude is like a magic reset button for expectations, it nudges us to stop obsessing over what we want and start appreciating what we already have. When we shift our focus from what’s missing to what’s right in front of us, something amazing happens: our brains get a little rewiring.
4. Using visualization to reframe preconceptions
Visualization is a way to harmonize with life’s unexpected turns. Picture a time when things didn’t go as planned, a moment of disappointment or frustration. Now, in your mind, revisit it as if you’re walking through sacred space, with curiosity and acceptance, open to whatever lessons it holds. Then, see yourself embracing the actual outcome with calm, trusting it unfolded as part of a larger design. This practice aligns your mind with the flow of possibilities, helping you cultivate resilience and flexibility to face life’s twists with a grounded presence.
5. Closing: Embrace imperfection and open the door to growth
Rewiring our brains to release set assumptions isn’t an instant fix, but each small shift creates powerful ripples in our lives. By identifying them as they pop up, practicing flexible thinking and gratitude, and visualizing alternative outcomes, we open ourselves to deeper engagements and stronger resilience. Letting go of rigid expectations isn’t about lowering our standards; it’s about approaching life with a touch more curiosity, embracing the present, and allowing ourselves and others to show up as we are.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into this journey of personal growth, I’d love to work with you through a coaching approach that supports mind, body, and spirit. Book a session with me to explore tools for embracing flexibility and finding balance, or subscribe to my newsletter at Altered Haven for regular insights on living a more connected, fulfilling life.
"This holiday season, let go of the pressure to make everything perfect. Embrace the joy of imperfection and focus on what truly matters."
Read more from Trina Zaragoza
Trina Zaragoza, Wellness Coach
Trina Zaragoza is a National Wellness Coach, Registered Nurse, and Energy Practitioner who loves helping people reconnect with their inner strength and well-being. Drawing from both her medical experience and energy-based practices, she creates a supportive space where clients can heal and grow. Trina is all about making wellness practical, using simple yet powerful tools that guide people toward a balanced, fulfilling life. She believes that everyone has the ability to transform their own health from the inside out.
