Written by Nicole Ayub, Personal Finance Coach
Nicole Ayub's passion is to help people have a healthy relationship with their money & reach their financial goals. This led to her becoming a personal finance coach & launching her brand Wall Street Girl Next Door. She currently works on Wall Street where she sees her industry overlook the everyday person & not address people's emotional behaviors which drive their financial decisions.
Everyone has experienced shame at some point in their life. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. One form of shame that does not get talked about as much is financial shame.
The difference between money shame vs. money guilt
To understand money shame, you first have to know the difference between shame and guilt. Money shame is “I am bad with money” whereas money guilt is “I did something bad with my money.” Shame is about who you are and guilt is about what you did. Shame is about the fear you carry about how you spend and relate to your money and it feels like there is no way out. Guilt feeds into the scarcity mindset, but motivates you to do better with your money next time. Shame makes you feel like you are the problem and has a feeling of despair attached to it, like this is how your financial circumstances will be forever. While guilt makes you feel like you made a mistake with your money but there is a way out and you can do better in the future. According to shame researcher and expert Brene Brown guilt can be a motivator for positive change, whereas shame often leads to negative self-perception and destructive behaviors.
The “shoulds” are a form of financial shame
Shame produces the “shoulds” which are things you tell yourself you should be doing or
where you should be in life. They sound like this:
“I should have more saved”
“I should own a home by now”
“I should be better with my money”
“I should have more saved for retirement by now”
These are examples of a money-shame mindset. To break the habit and mindset of the “shoulds” you have to shift the narrative. I will give you tips and actions later in the article to help you release your financial shame. First, let's dig into understanding more about money shame.
Aspects of money shame
Comparison, societal expectations, personal decisions, and stigma are all aspects of financial shame.
Comparison
When you start comparing yourself to others and their financial status this can create elements of shame and inferiority. Social media can be the main culprit for lifestyle comparison. In reality, you never know how someone is paying for their lifestyle. Until you see the balance sheet you never know the truth of their financial situation and in my experience, you would be very surprised how much people large debt people carry.
Societal expectations
Society places unspoken expectations on what defines wealth and success. Owning a home, taking vacations, luxury items, and fancy cars are the most common external items that society uses to gauge success and wealth. Not having these things can create shame about your financial status. This is the main reason why I teach people to focus on the other aspects of wealth that bring joy into their lives.
Personal decisions
Decisions that led to accumulating debt, poor investments, or financial setbacks can lead to money shame and lack of financial confidence. The reality is that most of your personal money decisions can come from your behaviors your learned in your upbringing, lack of financial education or support on how to properly manage your money.
Stigma
There is stigma and judgment around personal financial struggles. The main stigma is around debt. Society assumes if you have debt that you are bad with money. This can lead to isolating your financial struggles instead of talking about them and seeking help. Even in the personal finance community coaches and leaders shame people for their money struggles instead of having compassion and trying to educate people to make wiser financial decisions.
Overcoming financial shame
There are actions you can take to release financial shame.
Awareness: Having awareness that you are experiencing money shame is the first step towards healing it.
Self-Compassion: Give yourself compassion for any financial mistakes or setbacks you have experienced. Be kind to yourself throughout the healing process.
Ask for help: Support can make all the difference in working through shame. Find someone who can hold space for you in a non-judgmental capacity and who will help you specifically address your financial struggles and how to shift into healthier behaviors.
Positive self-talk: Judging or beating yourself up will only perpetuate your money shame. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and be gentle with yourself on your journey. Become your own cheerleader and acknowledge your progress along the way.
Healthy money habits: Commit to healthy money habits and release any behaviors or habits that trigger your financial shame. This is a vital aspect to releasing shame. You cannot break through to the other side of your money shame with the same habits that cause your shame.
As a society and even in the personal finance community we need to do a better job of not perpetuating financial shame. For not shaming people for having debt, but teaching them how to break the cycle. For not shaming people who do not start saving for retirement or investing at an early age, but giving them the resources they need to start where they are. If you struggle with financial shame and you need support please reach out and schedule a consultation. Breaking down financial shame is one of the pillars of my business and what I help clients with and I would love to help anyone struggling with money shame. Click here.
Read more from Nicole Ayub
Nicole Ayub, Personal Finance Coach
Nicole Ayub's passion is to help people have a healthy relationship with their money & reach their financial goals. This led to her becoming a personal finance coach & launching her brand Wall Street Girl Next Door. She currently works on Wall Street where she sees her industry overlook the everyday person & not address people's emotional behaviors which drive their financial decisions. Nicole's goal is to bridge the gap for people who do not qualify for financial advising & give them the support and resources they need to make healthy financial decisions. Through this brand she is bringing awareness to people’s relationship with their money on an emotional & mental level so they can achieve financial freedom.
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