Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns.
Navigating the complex dynamics of relationships often brings up questions about boundaries, communication, and behaviour. Many people struggle to understand the difference between setting healthy boundaries and engaging in behaviours like stonewalling or giving the silent treatment, which can be abusive. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting one’s mental health.
The struggle of setting boundaries
It’s a common experience: you set a boundary to protect yourself, and suddenly, you're accused of being abusive. This can feel incredibly frustrating and disorienting, making it difficult to maintain your sense of self. The key difference lies in intention and the underlying dynamics at play.
Understanding boundaries, stonewalling, and the silent treatment
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They define what is acceptable and what is not, ensuring mutual respect and understanding. Boundaries are about self-care and are not intended to harm or control others. They protect our emotional and mental well-being.
Stonewalling, on the other hand, is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationships, as identified by renowned couples therapists John and Julie Gottman. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down and refusing to engage. This often happens in response to criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. It’s a way of becoming overwhelmed and is usually a response to feeling attacked or unable to cope.
The Silent Treatment is more insidious. It’s a deliberate refusal to communicate, often used to punish or control the other person. Unlike stonewalling, which can be an unintentional response to stress, the silent treatment is intentional and manipulative. It’s a form of emotional abuse designed to elicit an emotional reaction or to force compliance.
The quest for peace
Oh, peace—what we all crave, yet some don’t experience it in their relationships. The Gottmans’ research highlights how crucial effective communication is for relationship health. Stonewalling disrupts this communication, often leading to more significant issues if not addressed.
Recognizing the signs
It’s essential to differentiate between these behaviours. Stonewalling might look like avoiding eye contact, remaining silent during an argument, or leaving the room. It feels like a wall has been put up, making resolution difficult. The silent treatment, however, is characterized by an intentional refusal to respond, leaving the other person feeling isolated and punished.
Reflective questions
1. About boundaries
Am I setting this boundary to protect my own well-being, or am I trying to control someone else’s behaviour?
Do I clearly communicate my needs and reasons for this boundary?
Does this boundary foster mutual respect and understanding in my relationship?
2. About stonewalling
Is my partner withdrawing from communication when we have conflicts?
Do they seem overwhelmed or unable to engage in the conversation?
When I try to address an issue, does the other person shut down emotionally or physically leave the situation?
3. About the silent treatment
Does the other person refuse to speak to me as a form of punishment or control?
Is the silence intended to elicit an emotional response or force me into compliance?
Do I feel isolated, punished, or manipulated when the other person chooses not to communicate?
More food for thought
When I set boundaries, do I feel empowered and respected, or do I feel guilty and afraid of the response?
When communication breaks down, do I understand the reason behind it, or am I left feeling confused and hurt?
How do I typically react when faced with stonewalling or the silent treatment? Do I feel desperate to resolve the issue, or do I withdraw as well?
Do I recognize patterns in the other person’s behaviour that seem aimed at controlling or punishing me?
By regularly reflecting on these questions, you can gain clarity on the dynamics at play in your relationships and take steps to address unhealthy patterns.
The impact on victims
For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, the silent treatment can be particularly devastating. It’s a tactic frequently used by narcissists to control and manipulate their victims, making them feel worthless and desperate for validation. This emotional abuse can have long-lasting effects on one’s self-esteem and mental health.
Boundaries protect
Boundaries are a form of self-respect and care. They are not about control or punishment but about ensuring healthy interaction. The main factor to consider is intent. Are you setting a boundary to protect your well-being, or are you withdrawing to punish or control?
Trust yourself
Distinguishing between these behaviours can be challenging, especially when dealing with narcissistic individuals who are adept at manipulating situations. Trust your gut. You know yourself better than anyone else. If a situation feels abusive or manipulative, it probably is.
In summary, understanding the differences between boundaries, stonewalling, and the silent treatment is vital for healthy relationships. Boundaries protect and promote mutual respect, while stonewalling and the silent treatment are destructive behaviours that can lead to emotional abuse. By recognizing these patterns and trusting your instincts, you can better navigate your relationships and protect your mental well-being
Malissa Veroni, Founding CEO & Lead Therapist
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
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