Written by: Nanette Murphy, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Your marriage is coming to an end after twenty plus years of marriage. How is this possible? You may feel like it is the end of your identity, as you know it. Maybe you have been a stay-at-home wife and mother for the last 20 plus years? Perhaps you have been working outside the home and raising a family, doing it all. Slowly it sinks in; this is a redefinition of your status. You're going from being married to divorced. Then possibly from working in the home to working outside the home.
Many are blindsided by their spouse asking for a divorce. Infidelity is what I was blindsided with, which ultimately led to Divorce.
Divorce is not something we plan for when we walk down the aisle. You fell in love, married, maybe had 2-3 kids; life got busy challenging at times, but you enjoyed the good times when they blessed your days. Now, this. Divorce. You are likely devastated; I know I was. But my gosh, you thought you were planning the third chapter together. Retirement with your spouse. Isn't that what you have been planning to do, TOGETHER?
The plans have changed, and you must stop and switch gears. It's not easy. Pain, anger, depression, and grief are swirling around you. You are in the middle of this tornado of emotions. I recall those feelings as I write these words. First, be aware the person you are divorcing is not the same person you married. Many wrongly assume that the person who "took care" of them during the marriage will give the same love and care to them through Divorce. Often people (women) must prove the financial contributions they made to the household despite not working (outside the home), such as taking care of the finances and caring for the home and the children so that their spouse was free to earn a living. We wish we had prepared ourselves emotionally and legally for this. But why would you have? You have been married, possibly more than half your life, to this person you thought you knew. Where do you begin in this divorce process?
You have professionals to hire; living arrangements may need to change, finances will change until the Divorce is final, many areas need attention, all while trying to grasp your situation. Right now, your health needs to take priority. In addition, you will be dealing with many issues, people, and paperwork; good health will help keep your mind clear to deal with those as mentioned above.
Now is the time that "self-care" is of utmost importance. You may have to start by stepping out of your comfort zone. Meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and a healthy diet will play a key role
in you being able to stay in control. Have you ever paid attention to any of these areas? If you do, then put extra emphasis on these areas. If not, start immediately.
I know what it's like to be in this situation. It's heartbreaking, stressful, and depressing. Anger can hit at any time. I made many mistakes in how I reacted on several occasions. I exploded when I should have just taken a deep breath. I cried when I wanted to be happy. This list goes on. I learned to focus, forgive and be constructive when taking care of myself—mind, body, and soul. Physical activity is no1. It keeps you focused while making you stronger. I discovered while healing, you need strength; your mental, physical, and spiritual strength help you heal. I also know that healing is an "Active" Process. It doesn't just happen. You must be conscious of all three areas. Exercise and eat appropriately for your physical strength, meditation and being present for your mental strength, and prayer (whatever that looks like for you) for your spiritual power. Having faith in the Universe being positive, I believe, is part of building and strengthening your spirit. Going for a walk outside. Pay attention to your breathing, each step you take, the birds chirping, the wind around you. Listen to music, an audiobook, or a podcast; it that helps clear your mind, you decide. Be peaceful. Eat well. You should be doing this anyway but now is a really good time to change your eating habits if you aren’t in the habit of eating food that is good for you. If nothing else think of it to distract you. Your mind needs that. What better way than focusing on doing something good for yourself. If you let it, eating better and exercising can be a game-changer. I’m really addressing this for your own sense of well-being. Relax in a peaceful comfortable spot. Prop yourself up on a bed full of pillows, I know you have a Lot! Grab that soft blanket, light a candle, play soft music, and grab your favorite beverage.
Just relax. Learn to concentrate just on your breath. Breath in your nose out your mouth. That is one count; do this 10 times. You’ve been blindsided and even knocked down. Now it is time to get up and take that first step towards healing. I will repeat myself; healing is an active process that only you can make happen.
NOTE:
Did you know that "research found that more than 1 in 4 people getting divorced in the USA is over age 50, and over half of those divorces happen after 20 years of marriage"? In addition, research data from 2017 found that the Divorce rate after 50 nearly doubled from 1990 to 2015.
“Since the 1990s, the national trend of divorce among adults 50 years or older has risen, often linked to the marital instability of the aging baby boomer generation”.
The national divorce rate for adults
25-39 is 24/1000 persons 40-49 is 21/1000 persons 50 + is 10/1000 persons
Nanette Murphy, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nanette Murphy is an author, divorce & Health Coach, and founder of the online community, www.divorceafterforty.com, for women divorcing after twenty-plus years. She is the mother of three adult children and divorced after nearly twenty-five years. Nanette did what she hoped to do but didn't expect; she found strength after heartbreak, her drive after healing, and discovered her purpose through growth. Her goal is to guide, support, and encourage other women to do the same through her community and her coaching.
