Tanya Cole-Lesnick, therapist turned personal development coach with three decades of professional experience, helps people pursue lives they love, that honor their truest selves, and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She works with individuals and groups, virtually and through in-person retreats. She created The Unlimiting App, a personal growth companion. https://www.theunlimitingapp.com/
At first glance, "nice" and "kind" seem interchangeable, both reflecting positive behavior. However, the difference between them is deeper and more impactful. By understanding this distinction, especially from a personal development perspective, we can foster more authentic relationships and clear Energetic Clutter, which refers to distractions and behaviors that drain energy without adding value. (For a deeper dive into Energetic Clutter, check out the animation available on my website.
Being nice
Being nice is about being polite, friendly, and agreeable. These are surface-level behaviors aimed at creating ease and avoiding conflict. Niceness often serves as a tool to smooth over discomfort, fit in, or maintain social harmony. It is typically motivated by a desire to be liked or to avoid tension rather than by a genuine concern for others' well-being.
For example, a "nice" person might smile and agree with someone, even if they disagree, simply to avoid conflict. While niceness can create a pleasant atmosphere in social settings, it often lacks depth. It focuses on maintaining politeness and social order rather than truly connecting with others or fostering self-growth. This behavior is often rooted in a limiting belief that suggests we will face rejection if we are not "nice" or overly accommodating, even when it conflicts with our own needs.
Being kind
Kindness, on the other hand, goes much deeper. It is not about pleasing others for the sake of comfort or avoiding difficult situations. Kindness comes from a genuine place of empathy and care. It involves thoughtfulness and effort, but it does not mean sacrificing yourself. True kindness includes setting healthy boundaries and ensuring that your efforts stem from balance rather than depletion. It is about doing what is best for someone else or yourself while honoring your own needs, personal development goals, and well-being, even if it feels challenging or inconvenient.
Kindness often requires emotional energy, whether it means offering a listening ear to someone in need or standing up for others in difficult situations. Unlike niceness, which is often motivated by external factors such as social approval, kindness is driven by compassion and a desire to make a positive difference in someone's life.
Motivation
The core difference between niceness and kindness lies in their motivation. Niceness is often driven by external factors such as maintaining harmony, avoiding conflict, or seeking approval. A "nice" person may agree with something they do not believe just to keep the peace, or they may say kind words without truly meaning them. Sometimes, being nice means sacrificing personal growth and self-improvement.
Kindness, in contrast, arises from internal motivation such as compassion, empathy, and a sincere desire to nurture well-being. It can be directed toward others or toward ourselves, honoring the balance between giving and self-care. When we are kind, we act out of care and thoughtfulness, which sometimes includes offering uncomfortable truths, but never at the expense of our own well-being. Kindness fosters both self-growth and meaningful connections.
Impact
Niceness often pairs with people-pleasing, causing us to sacrifice our needs or boundaries to avoid discomfort. When we focus on pleasing others instead of honoring our own wants and needs, we create more Energetic Clutter in our lives. Over time, this imbalance can spark resentment and ultimately lead to burnout.
Kindness, however, is grounded in mutual respect. It means offering support when needed while maintaining healthy boundaries. Though it may be more challenging in the short term, kindness creates a deeper and more lasting impact on relationships, both with others and within ourselves. It builds trust, fosters genuine connection, and demonstrates meaningful care.
Intent
Ultimately, the distinction between niceness and kindness comes down to intention. Niceness is about maintaining ease and comfort in social interactions, while kindness is about acting with empathy and care, even when it is difficult. While being nice can help us navigate daily life and avoid awkward moments, kindness builds real connections and has a lasting, positive impact on others.
By recognizing this difference, we can prioritize kindness when it matters most, transcending superficial politeness to foster meaningful, compassionate relationships while avoiding the Energetic Clutter of people-pleasing that can negatively impact our self-growth.
Take the next step in your personal growth journey
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Read more from Tanya Cole-Lesnick
Tanya Cole-Lesnick, Personal Development Coach
After three decades as a psychotherapist (licensed clinical social worker), Tanya Cole-Lesnick has embraced and landed on the more action-focused role of personal development coach—helping people to pursue lives they love, that honor their truest selves, and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She dedicated her life to this work after group therapy profoundly changed her life. She provides coaching to individuals and facilitates group sessions, available online and at on-site retreats. She also created The Unlimiting App to help people stay connected to their personal growth journeys. All of her work is designed to help people move steadily through the changes they long for in order to live the lives they dream of living. and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She works with individuals and groups, virtually and through in-person retreats. She created The Unlimiting App, a personal growth companion. https://www.theunlimitingapp.com/
