Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting in Libertyville, Illinois. She is also the owner of and writer for epijennetics.com, a website that explores the mental shifts that lead to healthy expression of self and healthy connection to others.
Being a therapist who observes individuals and relationships for a living, I’ve learned that the only way to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship is to have a healthy amount of empathy and entitlement and strike the perfect balance between other-directedness and self-directedness.
1. Empathy
Empathy is a necessary component of healthy relationships. In order to have healthy relationships, it is essential we learn to put ourselves in another’s shoes and see things from their point of view. Having empathy does not mean that we agree with every feeling or perception that someone has, it simply means that we can identify with and understand how someone might see something a certain way and thus feel a certain way.
In working with individuals and couples, I have found that individuals who have chronic relationship difficulties or even mental health concerns often have either too little empathy, and thus aren’t sensitive to the feelings and needs of others, or have a lot of empathy, so much so that they struggle to hold others accountable or to make healthy boundaries. In my practice of Schema Therapy, individuals who struggle with either of these problems score high on Self-Sacrifice schema if they are high in empathy or Entitlement Schema if they are low on empathy.
Related article: Narcissism and Caregiving: Dancing Around the Truth
Falling on either side of the empathy spectrum is detrimental to having relationships that are healthy. It is important to know which side you fall on and how you can become more balanced.
2. Entitlement
Entitlement is the feeling that one has a right to something. Entitlement also must be balanced to have healthy relationships. Someone with too much entitlement feels that they have the right to what doesn’t belong to them. Because of this, they often take too much from others, either by demanding things, being manipulative, or blowing past the boundaries of others. This results in resentment and anger in others and the feeling of not being respected.
An individual that was taught growing up that they are not entitled to things, even things that they should be such as their feelings, needs, and desires, are often equally unhealthy in relationships. Since they don’t feel entitled to these things, they often feel guilty for wanting or needing things and fail to communicate their feelings, needs, and desires to others. This results in individuals chronically feeling unseen and failing to get the things that they need out of their relationships.
Related Article: The Entitlement Spectrum: The Importance of Knowing Where You Fall
3. Other-directedness and self-directedness
Individuals who receive the message that they should prioritize the needs and feelings of others growing up often become adults with an excessive sense of responsibility towards others. These individuals become hyper-vigilant about not hurting or upsetting others or consistently prioritize the needs and feelings of others over their own. Because of this obsessive focus on others, they can feel anxious and afraid to speak up, be direct, make boundaries, or say what they are feeling or need. When people are always focused on others, they eventually lose sight of themselves, fail to be mindful of what they are experiencing and needing, and often can’t describe what they want. This loss of identity makes it impossible to have true intimacy with others and prevents them from feeling seen and known.
Individuals who are raised by parents who are overly focused on performance often become increasingly self-directed in an attempt to always monitor their performance and how others are characterizing their performance. These individuals lose opportunities to grow in empathy and turn into adults who struggle to be mindful of the feelings and needs of others because they are always self-focused. Self-focused or self-absorbed individuals are often seen as selfish and uncaring because they fail to notice the feelings of others or to be mindful of their needs. Partners of these individuals eventually get tired of not feeling seen or cared for, and eventually, the relationship often falls apart.
Know yourself and commit to grow
Understanding which side of things you fall on with regards to empathy, entitlement, and focus, is the first step to bettering your relationships. Regardless of which you identify with, strive to picture a spectrum with the middle always being the goal. In all of your interactions and conflicts, be mindful of striking a perfect balance between these three things and you will be well on your way to improving your relationship satisfaction and emotional health.
If you struggle to identify where you are on the spectrum, seek professional support. Having a neutral third party to observe and help you see your blind spots is often helpful for creating a plan to improve yourself. If you are in a relationship, engage in couple’s therapy and have discussions about where you think you land and the work that you want to be held accountable to do.
With the right information, support, and commitment, you can start creating balanced relationships and a balanced life.
Start improving your relationships today
Doing the work to become a healthier person and a better friend, lover, or family member, is every bit as challenging as it may feel. However, you can come a long way in your attempt to grow by simply identifying where you fall in the 3 areas above. Raising your self-awareness will equip you to understand what you can change that will set you on a journey toward increasing relationship satisfaction and quality of life. If you still have questions, engage in therapy and work on clarifying what it is that you want to improve in your relationships. Although individuals often feel stuck and unclear about how to move forward, therapists are often very familiar with situations like yours. If you are in the state of Illinois or Wisconsin and would like to work together in therapy, feel free to reach out through my website. I’m rooting for you!
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Jennifer Martin Rieck, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting and epijennetics.com, a website that explores healthy self-expression and healthy connection to others. She specializes in working with individuals who struggle to break free from Narcissistic or Self-Sacrificing relationship patterns.
