Written by: Nancy Oblete, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Emotional regulation is a critical aspect of handling conflicts in relationships. How well we regulate and provide co-regulation for our partner during an argument is vital for managing disputes effectively.
Attachment theory offers insight into how we handle emotions and regulate them. We now understand how our attachment style influences our ability to manage our emotions during conflicts.
Anxious attachment style
An anxious partner easily gets overwhelmed and unable to regulate their emotions during a conflict. They could become very argumentative and worried about increased emotional distance due to the disagreement. An anxious person believes they are unloveable and may quickly interpret their partner's displeasure as a rejection of them. They, therefore, set out to convince their partner or use protest behaviours to get back at their partner.
When Paul complains about their house being messy and Jane not picking up after herself, she perceives this complaint as a criticism of her. She begins to worry that he may be looking for a reason to leave her. She immediately begins accusing him of not loving their daughter enough to allow her the freedom to play and explore as a toddler.
Jane's internal model and belief that she is unlovable makes it difficult for her to see the merit of her husband's complaint. She gets flooded, fearing abandonment and strikes back to protest a perceived attack.
Avoidant attachment style
The avoidant partner gets quickly flooded with emotions. Hence, seek ways to avoid emotionally charged conversations. In the face of conflicts, they distance themselves from their partner, switching off all emotional channels to keep themselves from feeling unpleasant emotions. It makes it challenging for their partners to get them to talk through disagreements and make compromises. Most of their conflict will remain unresolved.
Mary says getting Partick to work through a disagreement is exhausting. When she brings up an issue that burdens her, he will likely minimize the problem. When she says she is hurt, he responds that she is petting (gets offended over trivial matters). At other times, he completely evades the conversation. He claims not to have any problem with how things are in their relationship; this gets Mary even angrier.
Partick fears strong emotions; he is concerned that sadness or fear can quickly engulf a person. Hence, he does everything he can to avoid those unpleasant feelings. When he turns away during a fight to stop himself from having those uncomfortable feelings, he makes it difficult for them to resolve the conflict. It results in his wife feeling rejected.
Secure attachment style
A secure person has beliefs about self and relationships that help them stay calm during a conflict. Their core beliefs enable them to focus on the issues instead of their partner's deficiencies. Hence, they can collaborate and find solutions with their partner quickly and are not easily overwhelmed during an argument.
When Esther expresses her frustration at Pam for not doing the laundry as agreed, noticing that she is upset, he looks at her in a guffy way, which makes her smile. He then apologizes and asks if they can find another alternative to getting the laundry done because he doesn't like washing clothes. He tells his wife he would rather cook and babysit their six-month-old than do the laundry.
Pam not only regulates his emotions, but he also co-regulates his wife's emotions (with the Guffy look). It helps both of them to stay centred and have a conversation. He is also able to own his failings and seek a collaborative solution.
How can partners help each other
Offer regular assurances of love and commitment to the relationship. An anxious partner likes to hear that you love and admire them often. It helps them feel better when there's a problem. In the example, Paul could say, 'You're awesome, and we can figure things out because we love each other,' to help her feel calm and find it easier to focus on the discussion they need to have.
Preframe your partner for difficult conversations. Mary can tell Patrick, 'I would like to talk with you when you come home from work tomorrow. I know these talks aren't your favourite, but it is important to me. Please try to listen and talk with me. It can help us both get ready for our conversation.
Make the discussion short. I often say marriage is a marathon and not a split. It is best to have short but productive conversations. Instead of trying to fix the problem immediately and making each other upset, a couple can have five short times to talk and figure things out. Knowing when to take a break during an argument to calm down and feel better is vital.
Use soften-startup for raising conflict issues. When you want to talk about something that bothers you with your partner, it is wise to start gently. If you sound critical or blame them, your partner might get upset and have difficulty self-regulating. Instead, try to talk about how you feel and what you need. That way, your partner will understand you better, and you can have a good conversation.
Get help. Sometimes, talking with a counsellor or therapist can help you understand why you and your partner have the same problems repeatedly. They can help you figure out the patterns and negative circles that keep you from feeling safe and emotionally regulated. They can teach you ways to handle your emotions and problems together.
We provide coaching for couples who want to improve the quality of their relationship and rediscover love. You can choose individual sessions or join a group coaching session. We're also introducing our Couples Repair Intelligence Program (CRIP), a group coaching program that focuses on restoring connection through effective conflict management, considering the attachment needs of both partners. For more information, contact us here.
Nancy Oblete, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nancy Oblete is a marriage and relationship coach, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistics Programming, a public speaker and a teacher. She believes that the approach to marriage coaching should be holistic, taking into account financial growth, behavioural, trauma and addiction challenges, in addition to their relationship dynamics, to assist couples in having and maintaining a stable and happy home. Her teaching starts from the core, addressing the human factor and psychology.
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