Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years' experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Twin parents who worry about compromising their twins’ secure attachment can rest assured their babies can still feel loved, secure, comforted and supported even if they can’t always be picked up. Even in the most ideal world, this isn't always feasible, and I will argue – it isn’t always necessary.
What does secure attachment mean?
John Bowlby has pioneered the field of parent-baby attachments, classifying 4 types of attachments formed between parent and child. The 4 types of attachments are secure, anxious-avoidant, disorganised and anxious-ambivalent. The type of attachment formed between each child and their parent depends on many things, including the parent's personality and upbringing, the environment where they raise their babies (socio-economic status), stressful household, other siblings, parental relationships, employment, income or health hardships and more.
Bowlby said every child needs at least one primary caregiver to whom they can securely attach in order to thrive. When babies trust their caring adults to respond to their needs, they feel confident exploring and learning, and their mental health and physical and cognitive development are nurtured. Meaning that when a parent is attuned to their baby’s needs and responds to their emotional and physical needs, the baby can bond with them and feel safe and secure.
Does attachment parenthood equate to no crying?
No, secure attachment does not mean babies should never cry, or that if they do cry, their secure attachment is compromised.
Responding to baby’s crying is a natural biological urge. When we hear a baby crying, we are compelled to respond, to pick them up, to soothe, to calm them down. We want to fix the problem, so they are not upset anymore.
Yet babies cry. Crying is a baby’s means of communication, and it isn’t always meant to be stopped.
There are 2 types of crying, emotional and physical.
The former includes feelings such as: sadness, anger, frustration, boredom, overstimulation, disappointment, fear, loneliness etc.
The latter includes: pain, hunger, thirst, fatigue, discomfort and more.
In the same way that when we are upset, sometimes we just need to let it out, talk about it and share our feelings, babies also need to express their feelings. For babies, it is done with crying. Understanding why your baby cries is as important as attending to their needs. When your baby cries for emotional needs, there are other ways to support them than merely picking them up, shushing them, offering a dummy/pacifier and making the crying go away.
While it might be hard to endure at times, it is important to acknowledge that a baby’s crying is a way of letting their feelings out, and holding space for the baby at these moments is oftentimes the best thing to do.
Holding space can mean hugging and letting them cry, yet not all babies want to be held when they are upset. Just like not everybody is ready to be touched when they are upset, but still want someone to be there with them, sitting and listening. Babies can find a lot of comfort in physical proximity, and when they are ready, a hug can be offered and accepted. That said, when we can’t physically hold them (as is oftentimes with twins), being near them, talking to them, singing a soothing song, or just placing a hand on them, can communicate comfort, love and safety.
Making the crying go away also means we do not give the baby the opportunity to overcome an obstacle. When our instinct to assist and solve a problem (i.e. make the crying stop) drives our actions, we interfere with the baby’s learning to persevere, persist with a task, and acquire new skills.
In the same way that we might grunt and vocalise when we are frustrated yet keep trying to solve a problem, the baby might express their frustration when they try to reach for a toy, climb down a step, face injustice when their sibling takes their toy away, or when they need to wait. When this happens, instead of stepping in and solving the baby’s problem for them, it is better to sit and observe. It is amazing what babies will do when given the opportunity to persevere. When they are given the chance to try again, try a different strategy, and find the resources within them to overcome the issue.
Sitting by your baby’s side when this happens and not interfering, can be hard at times, yet it helps your baby develop important social and emotional skills. It allows them to become resourceful, competent, confident and skilled problem-solvers.
Magda Gerber, who brought Dr Emmi Pikler’s teachings to America and founded the RIE (Resources for Infants Educareres) institution, wrote about the importance of observation and free play in nurturing babies' self-esteem and confidence. She advocated for letting babies figure things out on their own, and nurturing their curiosity and problem-solving skills by allowing them to struggle a bit in a supportive environment. She wisely said:
“Sadness, discomfort, frustration – they are all valid human emotions. Why would we want to suppress them?” – Magda Gerber
Allowing your baby to express their frustration in challenging moments, which can be a bit loud, will not compromise your secure attachment. Letting a baby persevere and learn to face challenges isn’t divorced from being a good, attentive and loving parent.
Attachment parenthood doesn't mean there are no tears. It means we are there to support our babies, but it doesn't mean we need to remove all obstacles and silence all crying.
Can twin parents still be attachment parents?
Yes, absolutely, yes. Twin parents, especially those who already have an older child with whom they were able to build a very responsive relationship, may fear they cannot be attachment parents to two babies at the same time. After all, they cannot possibly attend to their every need instantaneously.
And yet, they can be attachment parents.
Being an attachment parent doesn't mean your babies should never cry. Even if you can't be by your baby’s side the moment they begin to whimper or cry, it doesn’t mean you are not a responsive parent. And it certainly doesn't mean you can’t form a secure attachment with your twins.
How can I be an attachment parent with twins?
The overwhelm twin parents face when both babies cry at the same time can knock anyone out of their centre of gravity. It is definitely something twin parents become more used to and, therefore, can respond slightly more calmly as they face the situation again and again. It certainly isn't easy right from the get-go.
The secret lies in 2 things
1. Understand why your twins cry
This can help reduce some of the stress revolving around meeting their needs. While we strive to meet all of our babies’ needs, and preferably sooner rather than later, when we know why the crying happens, we can prioritise our actions and the decision-making process looks different.
2. Focus on giving each twin what they need, not the same
When we know we will meet each baby’s needs as soon as we can, and we acknowledge they have different needs (they might not cry for the same reason), we can better mentally handle the crying, and respond accordingly.
There will be times when both babies will cry for the same reason, and they will need your help at the same time. Twins’ reality dictates that waiting is an integral part of their life. Sometimes, their needs can’t be met immediately, and that doesn't mean parents aren’t good or responsive parents, or that secure attachment is in danger.
Twins will learn that their needs will be met, when it is possible. They might learn to be comforted with your presence while you attend to their co-twin; they might learn to take comfort listening to a song you sing while you are getting their food/clothes/bath/bed ready; they might find comfort in a soft toy they can hold, or in the rocking of their bouncy chair as you finish whatever it is you are doing (you might want to finish your cup of tea, that is a legitimate reason to wait too), before their needs can be met.
All of these are integral parts of raising twins. There are tears at times, there are loud cries, and yet, there are also loving parents and caregivers who are doing their best to meet everyone's needs, including their own.
Can my twins form secure attachments with me?
Yes, they can. Bowlby’s secure attachment theory never indicated baby’s needs must be met immediately, nor that crying is wrong.
Crying is natural. And babies learn the adults around them respond to their pleas, some sooner than later. Yet the consistency in responses is what helps the secure attachment form and last.
Unlike singleton babies, twins learn early on that things can take time. They call for you for help, as they are biologically wired to do, and they learn that their needs will be met. Even when it isn’t immediate, it will happen. The more consistent we are, the better it is for the development of babies’ secure attachment. Yet the responses can come in many forms and shapes.
Responding to a crying baby can mean picking them up, and it can also mean sitting gently by their side and offering words of encouragement to help them feel safe. It can be offering a hug, and it can be sitting and cheering for them as they try again and again to reach their objectives: to finish a task, to climb up that step.
When we remain calm and centred, and offer support according to the baby’s needs, a lot can happen. Whereas if we simply whisk them into our arms and try and calm them down with hugs and kisses and shushing, we might miss out on a lot.
We will miss out on the opportunity to decipher why did they cry in the first place.
We rob them of the chance to finish something they started.
We aren’t addressing the root of the issue, but the symptom.
We are teaching them that when things are tough, even a little bit, we will come and fix it for them (or rescue them).
We teach them that they, in fact, need us to fix things for them, communicating the message "you don't have it in you to solve this situation, it’s too hard”.
We reinforce the behaviour that when they cry, they get picked up, and that this is all they need to do to make us drop anything we do and be there.
We also miss out on what was it that they were struggling with? Did they find it hard to wait for a turn; did their foot get caught under the sofa; was their co-twin mean to them; did they throw a toy far away and they can’t find it now?
So much is going into the invisible box of potential opportunities for learning and development when we respond automatically to their cries.
Twins can learn to attach to us securely even if their tears aren’t always dried up with the palm of our hands. They learn that love means so many things and comes in many shapes. They learn that our love and support feel real, nurturing and meaningful – in various forms. When our loving, calm presence is there, we can be supportive and nurturing without holding our babies in our arms. Not because we don’t want to, but because sometimes we physically, logistically or even emotionally, can’t.
Allowing babies to struggle in a supported environment in order to allow them to acquire new skills, persist with a task, overcome an obstacle and develop resilience and perseverance, are important skills parents can foster in their babies. They aren’t done out of neglect, indifference or harsh parenting. They are acts of love, support and confidence in our babies to explore the world, face challenges and learn how capable and resourceful they really are – when given the chance to try.
You can read more about nurturing your twins’ confidence and self-esteem in my Twins blog.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
