Written by: Ana Angelique, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Somewhere along with the evolution of the human race and the development of communication, we seem to have mastered the art of being incredibly elusive, aloof, indirect and sometimes completely misleading with what we say and what we mean. Most often, it’s out of politeness; Politeness for asking how someone is, telling them that you’ll see them soon, or promising that you’ll catch up. In almost all cases, we don’t care how the other person is, we have no intention of seeing them soon, and we’ll catch up with them when the sun stops rising and setting. As a result, most of what we say is simply automated, such as asking someone how they are as part of a “hello” greeting, when in actual fact, you’re really just saying the full polite (automated) greeting, when you should have just left it at “hello”. The same thing happens when we respond to those questions: We give automated answers. This means that in response to a greeting such as “Hi, how are you?” we typically respond with something like “Hi, good thanks” and we do it without thinking. If we did stop and think about it, I’d bet that most of the time, “good” wouldn’t accurately describe how we’re feeling or doing, but since we also unconsciously know that the person who just greeted us doesn’t really care, we don’t bother telling the truth. They asked because they were being polite. A standard response was given because we were being polite. Seems a bit pointless.
Then there’s the poor use of communication in task setting. These are the times when you’re given a task to do, but the instructions aren’t clear. At best, they’re vague with many components being implied where you’re expected to instinctively know that these things should be included or considered when completing the task. Generally, the reality is that you don’t know them, or don’t know all of them, but you also don’t ask for clarification because you’re expecting to receive answers that are just as vague and unhelpful as the task itself. Or maybe you’re the one setting the task and you’re not being specific about what you want. Either way, when the task is “done” according to the person that completed it, there’s a good chance that they’ll get in trouble for not completing the task “as instructed” because they misinterpreted the vague request in the first place or forgot to include an assumption that was never given. Have we evolved to being able to read minds? I don’t think so. At least, not for many of us.
There are countless instances that happen daily in workplaces, schools, homes and even on the street, when people do a half-hearted attempt to communicate, and then get cranky when they’re misunderstood. Why? Because simply talking, is not communicating. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just said what we meant and meant what we said? There’s a lot of wasted effort put into trying to obtain answers, chasing the wrong things, or coming to the wrong conclusions, all because the information wasn’t communicated clearly enough in the first place. Sure, some things are implied but when we’re all busy with a million other things going on in our lives (and heads) at any point in time, being clear, straightforward, honest, and specific, would make a world of difference.
Let’s explore this further.
1. If you’re not interested in the answer, don’t ask the question.
There’s being polite, small talk and then there’s talking for the sake of talking so that there is no silence; But there is nothing wrong with silence. Many of us would prefer silence over meaningless talk. (Also noting that as an adult, you’re allowed to excuse yourself and leave if you find the silence awkward.) The same goes for asking how someone is – please only ask if it you actually want to know the answer, because I know that personally, I will actually tell you how I’m really feeling, as shocking as that may be; And I know that I’m not the only one. The same goes for the reverse: When you ask how someone is or ask how their weekend was, you should genuinely want to know. Allow the time for the other person to talk and for you to listen. Maybe even ask more questions along the way, but only ask because you want to know the answer. Isn’t that the point of questions anyway? Asking to find the answer? It also seems more polite to only ask what you want an answer to, so that you’re not wasting the other person’s time.
2. If you don’t want to agree to something, don’t give the other person false hope.
How many times have you bumped into someone randomly, chatted for a while, and the conversation ends with something like “we should grab a coffee and really catch-up”, with the (general and automated) reply being something like “yeah sure, let’s do that sometime” and then nothing happens… ever? Why say that you want to get together with someone when in fact, you don’t see a point in doing so or you simply don’t want to? I know that it’s polite, but isn’t it better to just say “good chat” and leave it at that, rather than giving someone false hope? Or assuming that they know that you have no intention of ever seeing them again? Similarly, if the situation is a date or something similar, and it turned out to be with someone that you have no interest in ever seeing again, why not just say that it’s not working for you and part ways? Awkward? Perhaps. But it’s a simpler outcome in the end.
3. If you can’t answer the question asked, then you probably don’t know the answer.
There is never anything wrong with saying “I don’t know”. No one is expected to know everything and it’s much better to tell someone that you don’t know, instead of skirting around the answer or talking about something that has nothing to do with what was asked. And if you’ve been asked something that you’re expected to know the answer to, but you don’t, take it upon yourself to finding the answer and getting back to the person who asked. Neither is difficult to do.
4. If you’ve done something wrong, the quicker you admit to it, the quicker it can be corrected.
Mistakes happen. Accidents happen. And it’s easier to work on fixing things if you (and anyone else involved) take ownership of what was done wrong. This isn’t about blame. This is about knowing the truth so that the right changes can be made and the right solutions to problems can be found, because all the facts are known. So taking ownership for your part in a situation can make all the difference.
5. If you can’t simplify something that is complex, then you probably don’t completely understand it.
What’s the point in making things seem overly complex? None. At least not unless you’re trying to make yourself feel and sound so much smarter than the person you’re talking to, and if that’s your aim, you’ve probably just achieved the opposite. To be able to explain something, you need to understand it completely. Being able to break something down into understandable components, shows the other person that you understand the topic in so much detail, that you’re able to simplify it for them – maybe even many times over, until they understand it. So either keep it simple or just say that you don’t know it enough yourself, to be able explain it any further.
6. If you can’t clearly state what you want, then it’s unlikely that you know what you want.
Do you give yourself enough time to think about what you want before you start asking for it? Or do you run on adrenaline and bounce between assigned tasks? If it’s the latter, do you just jump into tasks based on the initial details or do you clarify or ask further questions, so that you know for certain what the task is? Not being specific in any type of relationship, whether you’re the one giving the instruction or receiving it, is like asking a tailor to make you a pair of blue pants by Saturday, but not specifying the cut, the style, the material, the measurements, who the pants are for, and which Saturday you want them by. You can’t be upset with the tailor when you get given something that meets all those requirements but is nothing like you had in mind. Assuming or implying does not equal understanding. Yes, in this situation the tailor should have asked some questions, but you should have been clearer with your instructions in the first place. The onus isn’t just on the other person to be clear about is wanted. Everyone has a part to play.
7. Don’t riddle your sentence with acronyms or abbreviate words if there’s a chance that the other person won’t understand.
We live in a world where we love to shorten everything. Common phrases are reduced to a few letters, whilst other words are simply shortened. Without getting into the fact that most people cannot spell anymore, don’t use shortened versions of words or phrases if there’s a chance that the other person will misunderstand it. If you must use an abbreviated version, write the full word or phrase out first, include the abbreviation in brackets, and then you can continue to use the abbreviated version because you’ve already included the explanation of what it was. (Basic high school English class stuff.) Remember that you’re not going to get any extra brownie points for being able to write a complete sentence using the least number of whole words, and like one of the previous points, it’s not going to make you look or sound any smarter either. Remember that the average person will sit there struggling for a very long time, as they try to figure out what any abbreviation means (sometimes even coming to the wrong conclusion of the full meaning) before they muster up the courage to ask.
My challenge to you
For the next seven days, I’d like to challenge you to only say exactly what you mean. I’m not asking you to be rude. I’m asking you to be clear, concise and only ask questions that you actually want an answer to. When answering questions, I’d like you to ensure that you answer the actual question instead of rambling on about what you think the other person needs to hear. In addition, just like your mother probably taught you, if you have nothing nice to say or nothing constructive to add to a conversation, keep your mouth shut.
At the end of the week, reflect on how many times you had to stop yourself from going into auto question or answer mode, auto talking-to-fill-in-the-silence, and just talking for the sake of talking. Consider whether being so straightforward, clear, and really communicating, made things easier for you. Is this something that you should continue? Admittedly, you may need to tweak a few things before it becomes second nature, but simple is usually better.
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Ana Angelique, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine After overcoming some major life challenges on her own, Ana Angelique believes that others shouldn’t have to struggle in silence; Life is complex enough, but it is also beautiful, and it should be enjoyed. As a well-being life coach and mentor, Ana’s positive approach to life, her captivating and addictive energy, and her creative thinking enable her to empower her clients to take charge of their future and regain control. She has an insider’s perspective - one that’s been gained from an international corporate background, that enables her to relate to and understand, the real challenges faced by people every day. Thought-provoking, persuasive, and inspirational, Ana has natural teaching abilities and is known for her unique perspective on situations.
