Dr. Jane Greer is a nationally recognized marriage and family therapist with decades of experience in private practice and media. She is an expert in love and relationship intimacy, authoring her latest book, "Am I Lying to Myself? How To Overcome Denial and See The Truth", published in 2023.
A couple who has been together for almost two years breaks up. They both have heavy workloads and spend a significant amount of time answering phones and being fully available to their jobs.
We see it all the time: couples who are always on their phones. It seems like they must be available all the time—right? But availability comes in all sizes. They might have to put their phone down when they are in a meeting or when they are with clients.
That’s certainly understandable and to be expected. But what happens when that very device that helps to keep you in touch is the thing that is now keeping you apart? That iPhone, iPad, or Droid may be diverting all of your or your partner's attention away from the time you spend together, raising the dilemma we all face.
Are you paying more attention to your phone than to the people around you?
Usually, the reason is your job—the boss might be calling, or you don’t want to miss out on a deal that is in the works. And once that is explained, they are supposed to understand. But even work has to have limits. If it is spilling over to the dinner table or, even worse, the bedroom, then the answer is you are probably more connected to your phone than to your partner. Over time, that can compromise your relationship because it can leave your significant other feeling unimportant and left out.
It is okay to be accessible to your job, but not if it makes you unavailable to your partner. When that is happening, put some guidelines in place. For example, you can decide that there should be no phone while watching a movie, or maybe deciding to put the phone away completely after dinner might help. At the very least, turn it off during mealtimes and bedtime. Try to preserve your togetherness by editing out the phone. Make its presence the exception and not the norm.
The digital dilemma
In today’s digital age, it’s easy to become more connected to our devices than to the people around us. The allure of constant connectivity and instant communication can often overshadow the need for genuine human interaction, especially in romantic relationships. So, are you more connected to your phone than to your partner?
This question has become increasingly relevant as technology continues to permeate every aspect of our lives. Smartphones and other digital devices have transformed the way we communicate, work, and entertain ourselves. While they offer numerous benefits, they also present significant challenges, particularly in maintaining healthy relationships.
One of the main issues is the constant availability expected by many employers. The pressure to be reachable at all times can lead to blurred boundaries between work and personal life. This incessant connectivity can result in one partner feeling neglected or undervalued, as their significant other prioritizes work-related communications over quality time together.
To address this issue, couples need to establish clear boundaries regarding phone usage. Creating phone-free zones can be an effective strategy; designating specific areas or times where phone usage is not allowed, such as the dining table and bedroom, encourages more meaningful interactions. Scheduling quality time is also essential. Setting aside dedicated time for each other without any digital interruptions, whether it’s a weekly date night, a daily walk, or simply an hour in the evening to talk and connect, can help strengthen your relationship.
Additionally, it’s important to communicate expectations regarding phone usage. Discussing these expectations with your partner and understanding each other’s needs can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of neglect. Using technology mindfully also plays a crucial role. Being conscious of how and when you use your phone and prioritizing face-to-face interactions over digital communication whenever possible can help maintain a healthy balance.
If you need to respond to a work-related message, let your partner know and keep it brief. Turning off non-essential notifications can also reduce the temptation to check your phone, helping you stay present and engaged during your time with your partner.
Otherwise, they are likely to feel that your phone is more important to you than they are, something that I address in my book: “What about me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.”
In conclusion, while digital devices are an integral part of modern life, it’s crucial to ensure they don’t overshadow your personal relationships. By setting boundaries, scheduling quality time, and communicating effectively, you can maintain a healthy balance between staying connected to your phone and nurturing your relationship. Remember, the key to a fulfilling relationship lies in the quality of the time you spend together, not the quantity of digital interactions.
Read more from Dr. Jane Greer
Dr. Jane Greer, Marriage and Family Therapist, Author, Radio Host
As a marriage and family therapist who has spent decades working with clients in her private practice and through her media work, Dr. Jane Greer has become a nationally recognized expert and authority in love and relationship intimacy.
