Are You in an Abusive Relationship? – 4 Things to Stop Doing Now
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 3
- 4 min read
Written by Aleya Belamour, Relationship Recovery Coach
Aleya Belamour is a manifestation expert and energy healer. She is the founder and CEO of Reclaiming Radiance, where she offers a 6-month program to help women heal from narcissistic abuse, a free support group, and leads healing journeys around the world.
It can be extremely heartbreaking when the once loving, kind, and caring person you fell in love with is no longer there. If you find yourself deep in an abusive relationship, after thinking you were choosing the nice guy or woman, you need to make an exit strategy your biggest priority.
Abusive people do not change, especially if they show any signs of mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder. Instead of giving up years of your life to endless misery, abuse, and pain, try to refocus on getting out and rebuilding your life.
After my divorce and retrospection, I realized there were four major errors I made during my time with that person.
Stop defending yourself
The biggest mistake I made was feeling like I had to respond to all of his attacks and defend myself. My short marriage was a roller coaster of being told I was the most amazing and kindest person he ever met, to being told I was a “useless cunt” and other terrible names on repeat.
This eventually led to me having severe panic attacks and being in such a state of chaos and anxiety I didn’t even think of not responding. It wasn't until a lawyer told me to stop responding that I realized that was even a choice. I had to wait until I was no longer living with him to make this happen, but it was the first step in reclaiming my health and the peace I once knew.
Fighting with abusers is the biggest way to waste your life because they are not fighting to come to a solution; they are fighting to make you feel bad about yourself, trap you in their cycle of abuse, and for you to become addicted to their praise. The truth is of no relevance to someone who enjoys making you feel terrible about yourself. Their joy stems from controlling your emotions like a puppet on a string.
You will never have to defend yourself when you are with someone who values and respects you.
Stop sharing personal information about your past or anyone you know
Everything you say about yourself and anyone you know will be twisted to use against you. I couldn’t even believe the things he was able to turn into something negative. When you think they are interested in you and that you are being invited to be vulnerable with them, it is only an information-collecting process to gather ammo to use against you later. They do not care about your trauma; they do not care about your hopes or dreams; all of this information is only going to be used against you and to turn others against you.
If they really won’t stop trying to get you to open up, lie. You have to protect yourself and your loved ones when you know you are dealing with an abusive person.
Stop being reactive; It’s a trap
Act as if anything you say and do will be used against you in court. Two months into marriage, I said that I should send his mom the abusive texts he sent me to show her the names he calls me. His response was to threaten to have me arrested. He moved us to a Muslim country because he was not worldly and thought women didn’t have rights there. This was the moment when I realized he married me, brought me here to abuse me, and if I left, have me arrested or worse.
Due to this realization, I believe he was baiting me into bizarre fights to make me act out of character, so he could collect evidence against me. He knew there was a chance we could end up in court while I was trying to figure out how to be happily married.
After my experience and connecting with other women who had to go to the police to get help from their abusers, I found this is not a unique story. Baiting their partners into fights is a typical tactic used by abusive and narcissistic people.
Stop making excuses for abusive people
Have zero tolerance. I am sure billions of people were abused as children, grew up in bad homes, or were bullied in high school. Billions of people choose not to be abusive despite these factors, and some choose to be abusive because they enjoy it. The reasons made up to explain why they are abusive don’t matter; we care about our well-being.
There is not one abusive person I turned a blind eye to that I talk to today. It isn’t worth it. After losing 1.5 years of my life to a court case because my standards were so low and I accepted so much bad behavior due to abuse being normalized to me, I will never make that mistake again.
Make a pledge to yourself that you will have a happy, healthy life, and say no to anyone who tries to stop that from happening.
Do you need help seeing a future where you are free of abuse and neglect?
If you need help creating an exit strategy or envisioning a future where you are okay, I am here to help. Feel free to DM me on social media or email me at info@breakuptoblissful.com.
If I can get out, go through hell in the process, and come out the other side better than before, you can too.
Read more from Aleya Belamour
Aleya Belamour, Relationship Recovery Coach
Aleya Belamour is a relationship recovery coach and energy healer. She is the author of Breakup to Blissful and Heal From Narcissistic Abuse: A 90-day Journal. Aleya offers coaching and worldwide retreats to help women thrive after painful breakups and divorce.
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