Written by: Naomi Stockman, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four distinct behaviours that predict the demise of a relationship; Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They call these – The four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
They can predict within 90% of which relationships will end in a divorce based on these four behaviours. Let’s assume the other 10% are super committed to the actual vow, have other reasons keeping them in a toxic bond or have strong skills to repair the damage caused by these toxic traits.
In this article, I’d like to explore how we damage our relationship with ourselves using four similar behaviours.
When we damage the relationship with ‘self’ – we become emotionally and mentally misaligned. Our very ‘identity’ becomes damaged, and our sense of self-worth is diminished.
We can’t divorce ourselves, and yet, many of us do by rejecting and denying the parts of us which are the neediest, the most vulnerable, and the most insecure. Often denying these parts with unhealthy and self-sabotaging behaviours.
Let’s look at what I believe are the 4 Henchmen of Self Destruction – Self-Criticism, Contempt of self, Ego, and Denial.
Self-Criticism
What is the purpose of criticising oneself? The concept is quite bizarre. To reject the abilities and actions of the very being that is you is absurd. This leads to asking the question, what is the purpose of self-criticism – understanding of course, that survival and safety are the two most basic drivers of behaviour.
Finding fault brings awareness and the opportunity for improvement
Feeling faulty or not good enough prevents us from taking risks outside our comfort zone and keeps us where we are.
You can see that staying where you are, lacking self-belief and self-confidence until you are ‘good enough’ to meet the risks – is a safety feature.
The problem is, it comes at a price. A small life, feeling inadequate and lacking in confidence.
Contempt
According to the Oxford dictionary, contempt means:
The feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.
Where criticism is active, verbal, and specific, contempt is an attitude, feeling, and perspective. Self-contempt simply means to feel worthless, unimportant, and insignificant and completely disregard one’s own needs, hopes, dreams, values, and opinions.
Wow! – Hard to comprehend, and yet, we are all guilty of self-contempt in some shape or form at some time.
Have you ever disregarded your hopes and dreams or put your own needs last? Heartbreaking.
Ego
Our Ego shields us from the things we cannot bear to face, and in doing so, creates bigger burdens.
Nothing restricts our growth and happiness more than reactions and choices initiated from the place of the ego. Our ego fears criticism, contempt, and rejection, and rightly so – because it destroys our identity and our relationships. The fear of the ego causes us to be defensive, and this defensiveness is a destructive force unto itself. You already know it to be one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse referred to earlier. Ego makes us less likable, less pleasant in nature and personality, and blinds us from seeing ourselves. It literally is the part of us that would cut off our noses to spite our faces. Without self-awareness of this part, we are unable to grow. Essentially, our ego exists to protect us from our psychological fears. Because fear-driven behaviour is mostly destructive, the Ego usually does more damage than good. Egotistic behaviours may come across as conceited, narcissistic, condescending, defensive, arrogant, rude, selfish, controlling, self-glorifying and judgemental. All of which are unpleasant. The truth is they mask deeper underlying insecurity.
Denial
I turned my back on my shadow, “You no longer exist,” when in truth, the only way to avoid one’s shadow is to avoid the light and remain in complete darkness… the question is – which is more frightening? The shadows or the darkness?
Denial of self, of the parts of ourselves which feel vulnerable, shameful, unacceptable. Denial of our heart’s desires, our needs, and our self-importance. Denial is a combination of rejection and deprivation, to simply not acknowledge the self or support our own needs. Shutting off, denying, rejecting, and failing to communicate and acknowledge our emotions, thoughts, feelings, sensations, needs, wants, opinions, hopes, and dreams. Pushing them away, hiding them, ignoring them, denying them. This causes deep loneliness and depression and the sense that no one else appreciates or cares for us – because, essentially, when we deny our own needs, others will too. People who are stonewalling themselves may be fawning and people-pleasing others. They may have learned during childhood that the only way to get love or attention was to ignore the self and focus on the needs of others. This seldom results in reciprocation. Until we learn to connect with ourselves and our needs and seek to fill our own cups first, others are unlikely to treat us better than we treat ourselves.
So what can you do to improve your interpersonal relationship with the most important person in your life, YOU?
STOP criticising yourself and take time to deliberately appreciate the good things about you and speak them to yourself.
START valuing who you are as a person. No matter what your past or who has treated you poorly, you are a valuable person with wonderful qualities and talents, and the world needs you.
STOP justifying, defending, and explaining things you do and say… just say to your inner ego part – ‘Everything will be okay, I know the truth, and that’s all that matters.' When we justify, explain and defend, we are giving away our personal power.
START putting your needs and emotions first. It is safe for you to speak up, have a voice, and claim your birthright as a human being. When we do this, we are teaching others how to treat us and also teaching others (like our children) that it’s okay to meet your own needs and value yourself.
Like all aspects of mental and emotional health, making a change on your own can be slow and challenging. Shifting your baggage can happen faster than you think when working with a trained professional who has done the work themselves and knows what you’re going through.
If you’re in a toxic relationship with yourself, you may also be experiencing anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders, loneliness, toxic relationships, and more.
If you or someone you love experiences anxiety or depression, connect with Naomi Stockman and discover how the ANXIETY FREE LIFE 6-week program has changed the lives of people worldwide. You can learn more about overcoming anxiety and depression here.
Watch more at Naomi’s YouTube channel or book a free anxiety & depression assessment call here.
Naomi Stockman, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Naomi Stockman is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Nutritionist, and Author who transforms the lives of people living with Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD. Anxiety-Free Life, Naomi’s signature program, has helped people all over the world restore calm and happiness to their lives. Naomi’s mission is to speak to the world: No one needs to live with anxiety or depression, even if you’ve been diagnosed with the alphabet, medicated, or distressed for decades.
