Written by: Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In my life coaching practice, I am being approached more frequently by parents who are at their wits end with their children. They report disobedience, rudeness, unreasonable demands and a sense of entitlement. When I coach the children (mainly teenagers), I see these patterns emerging even if they try to appear wronged and virtuous.
How does it start?
Let me say at the outset that I am by no means generalising or saying that all teenagers are like this, but the behaviour mentioned above is very common, certainly in the parents who come to me for help. But I also discover when coaching the teenager and meeting with the parents that the family dynamics are more complex. It’s not a simple matter of the children being ogres and the parents playing no role in the way their teen has turned out. It stems from a style of parenting that goes back years and has contributed to the unwanted behaviours.
The child is (not) the father of the man…
Parenting styles have changed much over the years. Our parents or grandparents were more likely to believe in the adage ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’. But while the discouragement, even banning of corporal punishment is a welcome development, some modern parents seem to have gone to the other extreme: treating the child as an ‘equal’; consulting and talking everything out; conceding to every material demand to make their lives easier in a difficult world; not wanting to set any punishment for fear of hurting them or furious resistance; pampering them to the point of not being able to say ‘no’ to anything and the worst – giving in to tantrums. Sometimes it seems that parents are afraid of their own children!
Heading for disaster
This is what these children are learning: I am entitled to anything I want; if I don’t get it, throw a tantrum and I will get my way; I don’t have to obey my parents if I don’t want to or don’t like what they’re doing; if I am punished my parents are being cruel and don’t love me, etc. These children are a disaster waiting to happen. They are going to have to make their own way in the world one day and are going to find that their tantrums, demands, sense of entitlement and ultra sensitivity is not going to cut it with others like it did with their parents. They are going to fall flat on their faces and not have the first clue how to get up, get on with people or make their way in the world. Most of these kids will veer from one disaster to the next. For those who do have some solid values, resilience, strength or social skills, they will be able to pick themselves up and crawl back up, with much difficulty and suffering. I tell parents who do this to their kids that it is a form of child abuse. Over-pampering and indulging deprives children of vital skills that they need to navigate life. They are setting them up for failure. They are teaching them that bad behaviour will be rewarded.
Who’s the boss?
As parents, you are the boss. Yes you are. You get to make the rules, you pay the bills, you are way older and (hopefully) way wiser than your children. Most religions teach that parents are to be honoured and obeyed. Children need to respect their parents and follow the rules. Disclaimer: this does not mean that any parent has the right to abuse their role – to be dictatorial, harsh, abusive, neglectful or unjust. Be firm but fair, kind, reasonable and consistent. Children will far sooner follow the latter type of parent willingly than the former. Parents have duties and responsibilities towards their child, not just the right to be obeyed. Teach them the right morals, principles and values. Teach them respect, gratitude and tolerance. Teach them that they will not always get their own way and that’s fine, even necessary. Teach them that they will often be wrong and that they need to apologise. Teach them all that’s good and that will prepare them to take their place in the world as worthy, principled beings. They will then obey and respect you automatically. And yes I know that it’s not easy, that parenting can be damned difficult. But doing the above is giving you a fair shot at success.
‘This is not a democracy’
There’s a letter written in 1962 which has become famous and is worth reproducing here. It was an American named Ralph who wrote it to his son Dave, who was aged 15 at the time. It goes like this:
‘Dear Son, as long as you live in this house you will follow the rules. When you have your own house, you can make your own rules. In this house, we do not have a democracy. I did not campaign to be your father. You did not vote for me. We are father and son by the grace of God and I accept that privilege and awesome responsibility. In accepting it, I have an obligation to perform the role of a father. I am not your pal.
Our ages are too different...I am your father. This is 100 times more than what a pal is… You will do in this house as I say and you cannot question me because whatever I ask you to do is motivated by love. This will be hard for you to understand until you have a son of your own. Until then, trust me’.
The only thing I would modify is the ‘you cannot question me ‘bit. Allow your child to question you respectfully if they disagree with you, listen and engage with them and change your mind if they make sense, as long as they know that your word is final and ‘no correspondence will be entered into’. Otherwise it’s pretty good advice.
Raeesa Mahomed
Transformational Life Coach
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Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Raeesa Mahomed is a transformational life coach, and her tagline 'Be the best you' aptly describes the results she gets with her clients. Raeesa has helped hundreds of clients remove negative programming from the subconscious mind and take them to a place of positivity and empowerment and, in so doing create the life they want. She comes from a decades-long award-winning international career in radio, TV, and film, and her path to deep self-reflection and life coaching began when she faced a life-threatening illness a few years ago. She now also helps others heal from disease by addressing their emotional health and spirituality. She is also a writer and motivational speaker.
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