Written by: Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In my work with women, I have noticed an interesting but not surprising phenomenon, even among independent-minded women. In fact, this is so pervasive and hidden, I didn’t even see it in myself until I really started to pay attention to what was beneath a common problem so many of us women face.
I call this phenomenon The Other-Led Woman.
You may be an Other-Led Woman if:
Your work spills over into the rest of your life (checking email at home, working late, working through lunch)
You often people-please
You rarely speak up about your needs, wants, and/or things that are bothering you
You are unclear about your core values and your priorities
You feel like you will never get it all done
You live life from your “to-do" list which was made by others, societal norms, just trying to keep up with it all
Sound familiar?
The thing is, you likely come by this honestly.If you are over 30, there has been so much covert messaging from Disney movies to the beauty industry to the dreams we were truly allowed to have to how adults talked to us as young girls versus how they talked to the boys ‒ it is a long list. These messages have been inherent in all we have done in our lives and have been endorsed publicly, in our school settings, in our homes growing up, and now in our workplaces. Not taking in these messages would be like a fish not feeling the water touch it.
And the problem is, when we live being Other-led, we end up overworked and with lives that look like this:
You are so tired from work that when you get home, you know what you need to do to feel better like exercise, eat well, and sleep well but you can’t get yourself to do it consistently when all you want to do is feel better.
You have so many people to help at work, that at least three days per week when you get home you have no more compassion or energy left to connect with your family or friends.
You have so much on your plate at work that you rarely have time or energy to put away the clean dishes in your dishwasher, clean your bathroom, or fold your laundry such that you end up feeling bad that your house is such a mess and wasting time digging through your laundry basket for clean clothes to wear while the dirty dishes stack up in the sink.
You feel so undervalued and overworked in your job that you feel angry at or about work at least three days per week, are snapping at people daily, and may even be having angry outbursts when all you want is to help the people you serve at a manageable pace and be well compensated for what you do.
Work is so busy that you're not having fun or doing things you enjoy more than one to two times per month when all you want is to enjoy your life.
Essentially, you are living out of alignment with who you are, with your core values, and not meeting your needs let alone creating space for what you want. You start to lose yourself.
So now what?
The good news is, we can shift out of this. We can be Self-Led.
The Self-LedWoman:
Has time and energy for life outside of work – family, friends, fun, favorite activities
Is resilient and able to handle the stress of work and life
Advocates for herself
Clear on who she is and what she wants
Lives in alignment with her core values
Notices when she is out of alignment with her values, leans in, and gets curious about what's going on. She seeks to grow
If you are interested in working towards this shift, I have an exciting announcement. I will be shifting my podcast from only focusing on recovering from chronic stress and building resilience to this deeper work of women being Self-Led. We will still explore wellness topics and ways to recover from chronic stress and build resilience, but with an eye on the bigger picture of Self- leadership for women.
When we women are Self-led we uplift our communities, our nations, and the world. Join the movement and tune in here:
Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jen Barnes is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Minneapolis, MN. She specializes in complex trauma, PTSD, stress, and grief. The daughter and sister of nurses, she has a passion for empowering nurses to build resilience. She has worked with nurses 1:1 hoping to expand her reaching to a broader audience. In 2021 she completed the Dare to Lead certificate program in order to more effectively address organizational challenges in healthcare. Most recently, she spoke at the American Association of Critical Care Nurses’s 2022 NTI conference on Building Resilience in Nursing.
