Written by: Kate Krieg, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most of my ambitious clients are go-getters ‒ often highly motivated ‒ with a desire to make an impact in the world. But the biggest thing in their way… themselves.
And when they’re being honest, they tend to call themselves Perfectionists.
Perfectionism is an issue I see in my work as a Transformation Coach because what sits underneath it is often:
cognitive distortions,
negativity biases, and
self-esteem issues.
And these issues have been linked to low satisfaction in life and an increase in depression and even unhelpful behaviours such as disordered eating.
All or Nothing Cognitive Distortion
Often perfectionists have an “all of nothing” mentality. This is what I see a lot of my clients have. An All or Nothing cognitive distortion.
They are either feeling like they are:
succeeding or failing,
right or wrong,
good or bad.
It's all black and white, with no shades in between.
This is not only detrimental to achieving goals, but also correlated with stress, burn out and decreased quality of life.
Unfortunately, perfectionism is often incorrectly worn as a badge of honour. This is an irrational and unhelpful thought pattern that has often been brought about by childhood conditioning. Often, we were told we with either being a "good girl" or a "naughty girl" for example. Here's where the distortions can start.
Creativity, joy, inspiration, and even productivity decline when perfection feels like the only option.
Self-Reflection
Think about your life and reflect on these questions:
Do you tend to have an all or nothing, good or bad, success or failure, right or wrong attitude or approach to things?
Do you tend to people please?
Do you take errors personally?
Are you generally sensitive to criticism?
Do you often fail to celebrate your accomplishments ‒ or are you just relieved you didn't fail?
If you answered yes to more than one of those, then you could benefit from reading on.
The Research
Have I just potentially started a subtle shift in your distorted thinking? Well, I hope I have for your sake.
There are some pros ‒ perfectionists tend to be motivated and conscientious but because of this all or nothing distortion, they often have poor self-worth, negative thinking, and expect extreme standards of themselves (and others).
Automatic Negative thoughts
An all or nothing distortion is harmful as it can start to create what Psychologists call Automatic Negative Thoughts ‒ ANTS for short.
These ANTS may appear small and insignificant at first, but they can quickly spiral out of control. One setback (or imperfect result) can spiral into intrusive thoughts and into over generalising or catastrophising of a situation. Which could progress to using extreme self-talk statements such as
“I am so useless as a mum”
“I am never going to be able to launch my business”
“I can never connect with my partner”, or
“I don't deserve to be successful"
Now these ANTS that may stem from an all or nothing distortion can be very heavy thoughts to bare.
Where might you be experiencing and all or nothing distortion? Is it with your health, career, or relationship for example? And how is it creating negative thoughts, self-criticism or disrupting your potential?
End Result Obsession
So many people with an all or nothing distortion often start goals and never achieve them. It's because they get so caught up in the outcome ‒ the result ‒ that they feel like they are failing because they are not there yet or because of the high standards they set.
They often don't see things with shades of grey ‒ just black and white. But life has a lot of grey. There are many steps to take before we reach the end point. It's not rational to think that you're either succeeding or failing. You don't get to 100 kms per hour in a car by skipping out on 1 kms – 99 kms. Your car needs to go from 0 kms to 1, then 2, then 3 and so on until you're at 100 kms.
Plus, on the road to reaching 100kms an hour, there will likely be traffic, stop signs or even detours. It doesn’t mean we are failing. Or that we are not capable of getting to 100 kms per hour. We just know it's a process. We need to get our car progressively from 0 - 100 kms and there will likely be setbacks or obstacles that we will overcome. We don't give up and say “it's not worth it, I am no good, I can't do it. I'll never be able to reach 100 kms”.
So why on earth do we think life operates from 0 ‒ 100 kms skipping the steps in between and has no setbacks or obstacles?
Process versus Outcome
How can you start to embody this process versus outcome mentality? Perhaps focus on what you would be doing each day or week to reach your ultimate lifestyle or goal?
With process goals ‒ see realistic timeframes for each task too. If you want to work out more – start by doing a 15-minute exercise a couple of times a week. Then build on it to a few times a week, for say, 30-minutes. You will be able to boost your satisfaction and productivity whilst also boosting your self-belief.
It's okay to set an outcome goal but this ‘end-result’ hyper focus could be strengthening a distortion.
Embody the knowing that you are exactly where you need to be and the road to where you want to go is a process, not an outcome. And it’s full of setbacks.
Connect to the Process
With such a hyper focus on the end result, we often forget to connect to the positive benefit of the daily actions that help us achieve our goal. Every habit requires a positive reward for you to continue doing the work required to get the result you are after.
Connect to the process, the actions you are taking. Not the outcome. It's not the grade or the result... It's the experience you get from it.
If working out is the example, connect to how strong you feel when you work out. How it clears your head and makes you feel energised. This hardwires a positive connection to the activity encouraging your brain to repeat the behaviour.
The Three Ps
Overcoming perfectionism or all or nothing thinking requires what I call the three Ps.
Practice,
Patience, and
Persistence.
Keep practicing reframing your mind, dialling down your negative thinking and connecting to the positive benefit you get each day from progressing your life and goals.
Be patient with yourself – and add a good dose of self-compassion. You will have ups and downs. The road to where you’re going is not linear. Expect setbacks and issues so when you face them, you won’t be so caught off guard.
Persistence is the way to rewire your brain. Being persistent enables you to repeat the behaviours that help you get the results you’re after. So make sure the actions you do each day are easy enough and manageable for to you consistently do them!
Final Takeaways
If you have an all or nothing distortion or this perfectionist mentality, I encourage you to decide to think in terms of process not outcome goals.
Be process oriented ‒ not outcome oriented. Process orientation includes being realistic about the actions you can persist with regularly.
Connect to the positive actions and feelings you get from the aoutcome-orientations you take ‒ collect evidence to show yourself how great you are doing and focus on what is going well on the journey.
Demonstrate to yourself that you're succeeding. Show yourself the success along your journey to slowly unwind the old distortion and reframe a new, more helpful mindset. Success is found on the journey in small actions and attitudes...
Be present with your thoughts ‒ when you feel yourself thinking negatively and spiralling out of control, intentionally switch the narrative to one that is self-compassionate and self-empowering. We all have a choice. Even when the situation is out of control, we can choose how we respond.
Be self-compassionate. Understand you are where you need to be right now. And embody the Three Ps.
Get to the bottom of your distortions ‒ because often perfectionists or those with an all or nothing distortion often have more distortions that need addressing.
Be curious and remember life is full of different shades ‒ don't let your mind trick you into anything else. It's not only unhelpful for your goals its detrimental to your health and mindset.
If you want to learn how you can reshape your habits, mindset, emotions and your overall life ‒ Connect with Kate!
Ask a question, share your story or just connect!
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Kate Krieg, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Kate Krieg MBA is the founder of Lead Yourself, helping ambitious women who feel stuck to gain clarity, reduce overwhelm and overcome doubt. Kate’s evidence based self-leadership method supports women to dramatically redefine their professional and personal identity, overcome limitations and significantly enhance their self belief. Kate’s methods helped her lose 30 kilos and keep it off, overcome an addiction to stress, receive academic performance awards and achieve 6 figures + consistently in her business. Kate‘s coaching is practical and tailored to each client, her personal experiences are highly relatable and her methods are sustainable and easy to implement. Kate’s unique connection with her clients has seen her empower women to become even more inspiring leaders ‒ from the inside out.
