Written by: Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was in a therapy session when I came to the realization that I am a people pleaser. I have always known that I’m a giving person but I never considered my behavior to be out of the ordinary. And then all of the sudden, a data dump from my past started to flood in, showing me all the ways that I had never set boundaries. I consitently prioritized other people’s feelings and desires above my own. It has always been difficult for me to make important life decisions because I wouldn't just consider what I wanted, I would contemplate everyone’s feelings as well. I felt a lot of guilt prioritizing my desires and then felt resentment when I didn’t. As I got older, I began to notice that people expected me to always comply with their demands; asking for a favor was no longer a request but an order. And when I dared to object, a fight would ensue. I spent many years in a tug of war of emotions between guilt, resentment from neglecting my own needs, and pure confusion about what was happening around me.
So what’s wrong with pleasing others? Absolutely nothing. In fact, for some people, it perfectly aligns with their love language of ‘acts of service.’ Helping others is part of living in a community and caring for those you love. It’s only when you start putting others ahead of your own needs on a regular basis, without boundaries, that you’ll start to feel the impact of this behavior. Allowing people to be constantly taking from you, creates co-dependent relationships that become difficult to repair without destroying the relationship. You will start noticing that you are always giving, they are always taking and it’s not reciprocal. You will experience a growing dissatisfaction that surfaces at inappropriate times with poor delivery. This type of behavior is often found in family dynamics or old friendships. People find it difficult to re-establish boundaries due to fear that it will change or end the relationship. So instead, people pleasers are more willing to have 20yr old ‘bad’ friendship than no friendship at all. And with family, it’s even harder to let go or re-frame dynamics.
There is a myriad of reasons why someone turns to people-pleasing as a coping mechanism. As with most things in life, it stems from our childhood experiences. We decide early on, between the ages of 4-8yrs old, that pleasing others, without boundaries, is the way to pacify a situation, to get validation, to feel seen, or even to feel loved. It’s important for you to understand your ‘why’ so that you can release it and start the process of setting boundaries.
If you have identified yourself as a people pleaser and you are ready to embark on the journey of establishing boundaries, finding and using your voice, and re-prioritizing your needs; Congratulations!
In full transparency, the un-doing process is not easy. Re-learning how to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty is not an overnight process. However, it’s a necessary step that you must take if you want to live authentically and experience relationships in a healthy way. As I went through my own re-building process, I took notes of my discoveries along the way. I hope that the guidance below helps you kickstart your own journey back to your authentic self.
Commit to loving yourself first.
Self-love is not selfish, it’s essential. It is impossible to love others if you haven’t learned how to love yourself. You don’t need to apologize or ask for permission. If you encounter people along the way that makes you question this, I encourage you to reflect on the relationship and determine if it serves you or not.
Accept that you might experience some loss.
Unfortunately, you will find that the “takers” were only your friend because they could take from you, endlessly. And the moment that you start to set boundaries, those people will start to pull away. It’s natural to feel a sense of loss and to question your actions. It’s important to remember the reasons that led you on this path. You want your needs to be ackwonledged, you want relationships to be mutually beneficial, and you don’t want to be taken advantage of. You want and deserve to be cared for as well.
On the other side of this experience is where you will find who your true friends are. And moving forward, you will only attract like minded individuals to your circle of friends.
Boundaries. The essential tool to freedom.
Helping others is a wonderful thing. We should all strive to help others until the moment that it starts to harm us. The only way to prevent an unbalanced relationship is to understand your boundaries and vocalize them.
Understanding who you are and your needs is a critical step to creating boundaries. This is a life long exercise that evolves organically, but with intention.
Find your voice and use it.
Until you are comfortable with who you are and why your boundaries exist, you won’t feel comfortable exercising them. Practice this often so that it becomes natural and not something you feel you need to ‘enforce.’
Develop a strategy that can pave the way. Pick an area of your life that you think will be easy for you to start exercising your voice and your boundaries. Once you feel that you’ve nailed it, move on to the next area and so on.
Now that you are aware, you will be tested…many times. And you will fail. And that’s OK. It’s part of the process. The growth comes from being aware, learning, and trying again.
Let go of the guilt. It’s OK to say no.
Don’t take people’s reactions personally. As you start showing up differently, the takers in your life will react negatively to your boundaries. They are not used to being told no. They will call you selfish and make you feel guilty for your decisions.
It’s important to have a support system and tools that you can turn to when you are confronted by these challenges. If you are not working with a life coach while going through this transformation, find a confidant that can be your cheerleader when you need to be reassured. My clients have also relied on journaling to process the pushback they receive when establishing boundaries.
Learn to ask for help.
This is the final stage and the most interesting one. People pleasers don’t know how to ask for help because they are so focused on helping others and being the ‘reliable one’ that they don’t want to burden anyone with their own needs. Learning how to ask for help and how to rely on others is part of the process of establishing healthy relationships.
If you want to learn how to implement these ideas and be coached by me, you can email me at truepassioncompany@gmail.com
Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For over a decade, Patricia kept ignoring the growing sensation that she could do more to serve the world. It was daunting to think about dramatically changing her life without direction. After spending some time searching for the answer, Patricia found her calling as a Life Coach. This became the vehicle for her to facilitate the transformation of people who felt stuck in their life, not knowing how to begin a new journey. Patricia dedicates her time to connecting people with their genuine passion for living a passionate and purposeful life. Patricia’s innate ability to see people’s potential beyond their purview inspires clients to work through the inner blocks preventing them from living their dream.
