Written by Dawn Bates, Writer, Author Coach and Publisher
Dawn Bates is a true international bestselling author multiple times over on five continents. She specializes in developing global leaders into real authorities who wish to give a voice to the voiceless whilst working with them to create brand expansion strategies through activism and authorship.
Masculinity has been stripped from young boys by the mummy martyrs of the world, mothers who over protect their young boys and who are raising boys alone.
There’s something innately powerful about being a mother. It changes you in a way that you never expect, can never verbalize or can ever have explained to you.
Driving along the road with my two sons in the back of the car, shortly after my second son was born six weeks early,
And with what I now see as the cracks that would eventually destroy my 18-year marriage to their father,
I tried to work out how fast to drive the car so I would crash, killing myself but not hurting them.
Being great with words and almost a disaster with numbers, I couldn’t figure out an equation that allowed this, and then the words, “You may not hurt them physically, but your actions will hurt them mentally and emotionally for years to come.”
Over the years I have battled with dark thoughts, and whilst I was working on the anthology of women’s stories,
Alive to Thrive: Life After Attempting Suicide with lead author and therapist Debbie Debonair,
I discovered research on the number of men who attempted suicide every day.
My heart broke.
Would my sons become one of these men?
Had my own dark thoughts somehow been inherited or incepted into their psyche?
Especially my eldest son who experienced severe bullying in schools just because of his ethnicity and nationality – both in schools here in Britain and the international schools he attended whilst we lived overseas.
The further I went down the rabbit hole of men’s mental health challenges with Alice and The Caterpillar, devouring endless cups of tea, the more alarmed I became.
The numbers were staggering.
And the reasonings, foggy at best.
Looking at the larger picture of society and how it has changed over the past one hundred years, I saw a journey that men had taken, been forced to take,
I see how masculinity has been stripped from young boys by the mummy martyrs of the world, mothers who over protect their young boys and who are raising boys alone.
Men who exhibit greater masculinity are shamed in our society, whilst the less overtly masculine man is celebrated.
I see how men who showed tenderness in the intimacy of relationships are mocked and ridiculed for showing the very same tenderness and fragility when it came to challenging times in their lives.
Us women, we want it all.
We want to see a man show emotions, but not too many.
We want men to look good, but not too good, because other women will steal our man – as if he is a possession, and what woman wants a man who looks in the mirror more than she does?
We want men to be forceful and lead us, but not too forceful that we are intimidated or question our own strength and abilities.
Nor do we want men to lead our nations, organizations or projects, because we can do just as a good a job – if not better, whilst juggling all the other things we have to do, and moan about doing.
We want men to be great fathers, but never allow them to parent the children we chose to have with them.
And when they do try and parent their own children, we mothers criticize them because they did not do it the way we want them to do it, the feminine, motherly way.
We want men to be key role models for our children, but do not want them teaching our children in schools, leading youth groups or being a child care provider, because surely that’s inappropriate and they are sexual deviants.
We want men to sort out the finances but not rob us of our spending, nor do we want them to earn more than us, yet we moan when they do not earn enough money to spend on gifts for us or take us to the fancy places we want to go.
We want men to protect us from harm, to defend our honor, to be a gentleman, but not be violent, chivalrous, or too gentlemanly.
We want men to speak up for us, but not speak for us, over us or explain too much, that would be mansplaining.
We want men to be strong, to hold us up when we are broken, squeeze us so tightly our broken bits are put back together again,
But when he is broken, he has to hide it, be a man and stop being such a girl – as if being a girl is a weakness.
We want men to be everything we want them to be, forgetting that they have a right to be who they choose to be.
We want our sovereignty as a divine feminine woman honored and respected, but God help a man who owns his own sovereignty and his divine masculinity!
With the drive towards gender equality, shared spaces and equal opportunities, we have lost our way.
We have forgotten that being treated equally isn’t being treated the same.
Men and women do have distinct roles to play in society, as is clearly shown in the ability of women to give birth. Men can never do this, will never be able to do this (naturally!) just as women will never be able to plant the seed of life into men.
Men and women are different and instead of trying to erase our differences, instead of trying to become the other, cancelling out who we are, we need to celebrate the differences between us, and the very things that make us all human: the need for love, safety, security, understanding and happiness.
In the push for shared spaces, we have forgotten the sacredness and power of single sex and gender spaces.
We have lost the deeper connection to ourselves these spaces bestow upon us, of the calming essences and the liberties of the body, mind and soul.
We fight for equal opportunities, but within that fight, we have forgotten to work together.
We are at war with one another, have been encouraged by political narratives and agendas, and the media, to be at war with each other,
And we have all seen enough war.
Men have been traumatized for centuries fighting wars to protect women, communities and nations.
They have been traumatized by governments fighting for power, made to fight and kill one another,
Made to spend time away from the women who love them, and whom they love.
Made to leave their families, and the safety of a warm and loving home.
Men have been replaced by machines which has robbed them of their ability to channel their testosterone,
Replaced by women in the workplace and society and left wondering where they are now needed,
And now they are being replaced by software which is producing the solutions men were once loved and celebrated for. Solutions they used to figure out in their man caves and quiet time.
Men are criticized for being too quiet, for thinking about ‘nothing,’ for being in their man caves – for even wanting a man cave!
Men are criticized for listening to the woman they love and spontaneously buying flowers or jewelry for her just because he wants to see her smile, then he’s accused of having an affair or a guilty conscience.
And yet, if a man dared to speak as much as women,
Or took part in the overthinking and connecting of everything – including the things that have no connection to each other the way women do,
Then he is mansplaining, dominating and verbally violent and abusive.
My motherhood journey has taught me a lot about males, about men,
So too has my professional career which spans the world of IT and Publishing, of entrepreneurship, regional regeneration, immigration and human rights abuses, as a teacher, leadership coach, writer, and as a trauma informed author coach.
I have learnt about how our brains are different, how we learn, express and navigate life and it’s challenges.
And with my work, study and travels taking me to over forty-four countries around the world, I have seen how the Western world is the worst at destroying manhood.
The various traumas I have experienced at the hands of men, including abandonment by my father, infidelity by my ex-husband, rape by men who spiked me, have taught me even more, and yet I do not see violent and aggressive men.
I see wounded men, men who are hurting, confused and reacting to events outside of themselves.
Men who have not had the support and the love they have needed at the most crucial times in their lives.
When men feel loved, wanted, supported and respected, When they feel seen for the person they are, for all of who they are, they have no need to harm others, and most importantly they have no need to harm themselves.
It isn’t just the education establishments, medical industry, policing and justice system that needs fixing. Nor is it only society that needs to re-evaluate how we see and treat men.
Women also need to heal their own pains, the generational wounds of the past, and they need to heal the unresolved traumas from past relationships with their fathers, ex-partners and abusers.
With men and women as allies, rather than seeing each other as enemies or as predators, we will go a long way in helping to eradicate this male suicide epidemic we are facing, and we will increase happiness for all, now and for future generations.
And as one very smart gentleman told me recently, “When we stop traumatising men, we stop traumatising women.”
Together, with the book ManUp, working with each other, we can reduce the number of male suicides happening here in Britain, and around the world.
*If you have a book you would like to write for a cause you are championing, then make sure you book a consultation with me so we can discuss a plan of action that works for you.
Dawn Bates, Writer, Author Coach and Publisher
Dawn Bates is a true international bestselling author multiple times over on five continents. She specialises in developing global leaders into real authorities who wish to give a voice to the voiceless whilst working with them to create brand expansion strategies through activism and authorship.
Profound truths, social justice and human rights underpin everything she does, and at the core of her soul is a passion for being of service to humanity, giving hope, courage and confidence for others to stand in their truth and live a life of conviction.
She writes for various magazines, sails around the world on yachts as a digital nomad and is currently working towards her PhD in Human Rights and Social Justice with the University of Oxford, whilst also hosting her own podcasts The Sacral Series and The Truth Serum.
Her books are powerful and comprise of solo compilations and multiple collaborations of the highest caliber. Dawn brings together the multi-faceted aspects of the world we live in and takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, whilst delivering mic dropping inspiration, motivation and awakening. Her work captures life around the world in all its rawness.
Dawn’s expertise and insights will make you rethink your life, whilst harnessing the deepest freedom of all: your own truth. She’s an authority on leading others to create exceptional results by igniting the passions and fires deep within to speak and live powerfully.
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